does life always run in circles... or maybe just spiral? I mean in the
last year I have completely changed as a person. I've found love. I've
lost friends. I've found out what was truly important to me. I've
lived almost on my own. But in the same aspects I've lost myself too. I
lost the person I used to be able to be with my friends. I've lost the
need to party all the time. I've lost the freedom to flirt, and kiss,
and spend every night exactly the way I want to. None of this is bad,
I've just learned a new way of life. I've given up things in order to
get things, and I'm finally happy... or at least on my way to finding
out what that word really means. But now I find myself in the same
position I was a year ago, two years ago, hell even three. TJ's in my
life again, by my sheer amount of will. I missed him, so I started
calling and now I think I'm on my way to having him back. as a friend.
as only a friend. and for once that's all i want, that's all I need. I
need for him to be just a friend, so that I can once and for all prove
to myself that david is the one, that david's the only one I want to be
with for the rest of my life. But on the phone today TJ finally
admitted to me why he's repeatedly made plans with me, but broken them.
He finally realized that he really fucked up in letting me go. He
openly said, this is hard for me to say and it's really awkward, but i
wish i had done things different with you a long time ago. In not so
many specific words I got out of it that he's in love with me, or maybe
has realized that at some point he was. which really fuckin sucks
because i wasted three years of my life being literally obsessively in
love with him, and he never could figure these things out then. So you
might wonder what the problem is. I've said time and time again that
I'm in love with david, that I'd never screw things up, that he's the
one I want to marry... and he is. I have no doubt about that fact. He
is and will always be the man that I want to spend my entire life with,
every bad and good day of it. But I want my best friend back. Before
TJ became a love interest he was my best friend. Even after he was
still my best friend because that's how strong it was. Things never
would have worked out and he had me guessing too much anyways. I
wouldn't wanna jeopardize that friendship now that I look back on it.
But now i'm finding out that I'm jeopardizing it anyway. TJ won't hang
out with me because he doesn't wanna mess up what me and david have, and
he convinced of the fact that he will. He's convinced that something
would happen that would hurt me, and he says it's because he wants to
protect me because he loves me. I need my best friend though, more than
anything right now. I just wish he'd see that. I wish he'd believe me
when i said that i'd never let him come between me and david and that
david honestly does not care. i wish he'd listen to me like he used to.
best
friends and boyfriends never were an easy thing to decide, if only he
would listen to me instead of choosing to run and hide.
love, life, friends, and circular amusements never were my thing,
Jen
