I'm just in one of those moods where I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't get my thoughts down in writing, but I have no idea what I want to say. I have all these thoughts just flying in circles in my brain but I can't figure any of them out. I'm going insane. I'm trying to handle too much, but dealing with too little. I wanna be the carefree student, partying it up and livin it down... but here I am partying it down and livin it up. I'm insanely in love, and i should be happy because of that but things are so damn confusing sometimes. David isn't always the boy that I thought he was. He scares me sometimes. He's losing himself in his problems, and I'm trying as hard as I can but with everything I have going I don't know how to help him. He's consumed me, and I'm not sure how I can dig myself out without hurting him. I dont' ever want to lose him. He's the only boy that I can picture myself with 10, 20, 30, 40, even 50 years down the road. I wanna be with him forever, but I don't want him to be the only thing I am. I want to have time for my friends, time for myself, time to just write like I am right now, but with him off work I can't seem to do that. I never thought I'd get sick of him being here everyday, but here I am. and I don't know how to deal with it because it's not just that he comes here, it's that I go to him. He calls and says he's having a bad day and the first thing I want to do is go to him and make him feel better no matter how much money and gas I'm wasting that I don't have in the process. I want to get to him and fix everything. I want to lay next to him and hold him and get up at an ungodly hour just so I can get back to campus in time for my class. I want to ignore all my friends and all the plans that I might have made so that I can just see him, even if it's only for 10 minutes. i don't want to go out there, i don't want to waste money i don't have, i don't want to leave stacie here after she like passed out and has been in the emergency room all day. I don't want to run to him every single time he mentions that he wants to see me, but at the same time it's all i want. I know that how ever many years down the road i won't have most of these friends, and he'll still be there. He'll always be there. But I shouldn't go out there. I shouldn't, but I will. I will, but I shouldn't. It's killing me to think all these things out, to think these thoughts and not tell him, and I will end up telling him. Things have to start to change and they have to start to change now. I don't want to drive out to luna pier only to be sitting at adam's house watching them all get high. I'm not gonna sit there and watch david smoke away his troubles. I'm not going to drive all the way out there just to have sex until we eventually pass out and go to sleep. everyday shouldn't have to be like that. I realize that neither of us has money, but just once I want him o surprise me with an awesomely random and inexpensive treat. I'm sitting here dreaming of the surprises i can bring him tonight... already knowing that I will be there. God... love is so amazingly contradictory.

call, leave a message
the dial tone isn't working
but your voice carries
i'll hear every single word
leave the voicemail unlistened
save it for later review
i'm a thousand miles away, but only ten
and amazingly i can still smell you
you drift to me miraculously
because you're scent is still on my pillow
wash it, rinse it, dry it, repeat
you're still there
mocking my attempts to wash you away
funny how i can't make you disappear
when the last thing you wanted was to stay.

i love that i can still do this, but am i losing steam... have i lost some of my ability because i've fallen in love. is it enough to matter, enough to want back? will i ever know?