these lies are leaving teardrops
and trails to my stricken heart
it's beating, it's breaking
i feel as if i'll fall apart.

i like him a little too much
and respect her a little too less
she's lied just as i have in the past
how'd I get myself into this mess?

i love him, she's leavin
and i'm wondering if it's wrong
am i a hypocrite, a fuckup
why can't i just be strong?

lies make the world go round til it's spinning out of control...we're halfway to hell and wondering when we'll just finally get there.

what the hell do you do when you fall in love with someone you just can't be with? what the hell do you do? i've been lieing for what feels like my entire life now. i literally cannot tell my best friend in the world the biggest news i've had in months. i can't tell her i have a semi-boyfriend. i can't tell her i lost my virginity...and i can't tell her that i could possibly be in love. i wanna scream it from the rooftops... or just whisper it in the rain. it would kill her though. it would destroy her to know that after all we've been through and after all the problems us being together has caused that i'd still risk it to be with him. i can't stay away though. he is so fucking imperfect sometimes that he's just perfect. i don't know how to even explain it. i didn't even realize how much he was like my last lust/love obsession until it was entirely too late and i was already falling. he's exactly like him. the same family situations, the same fucked up sense of self, the same eyes even. they are complete opposites on the outside...but once i kept digging deeper and deeper they are the same. it's scary sometimes, because i haven't talked to him or even seen my old best guy friend in like months but i'll be sitting with this new guy and i forget that they're not the same person. i feel exactly the same with them both, but this one actually likes me back. this one isn't afraid to tell me what's going on or call me on my bullshit or just sit with me in complete silence. he is everything that my old love was... but he's everything he wasn't too. i'm scared that that's the only reason i like him this much though, that it's the only reason i'm falling so hard... i want him to be someone else so badly that i'm ignoring things that i shouldn't. and i could possibly be losing the best two friends i've ever had in the process... i'm not sure if it's worth it all. but it is...it feels like it is. and that sounds like a bunch of bullshit because friends come first, but it's how i feel. i'm sick and tired of having to give up what i really want because someone else isn't happy. she doesn't even want him, she just doesn't want me to have him...and it's selfish. i love her to death, but she's not thinking of anyone but herself in this situation. why should i have to sit here and possibly lose someone that i could be happy with when she's leaving to move all the way across the country in a little over a week? why do i always have to lose what i really want... i feel like i give up everything that means anything to me. i give in so easily, i'm afraid to let anyone else get hurt...but i'm sick of hurting. i am sick and tired of being the one that gives everything up. and so i will lie... so no one gets hurt. he told me that lies can save friendships...and this could very well destroy ours whether she finds out or not because if i can't tell her any of this is it really a friendship? i don't think it really is... and that hurts even more sometimes. he says she's lied to me to and that hurts too... because i don't know what it's about. i don't want to believe that she could act like i'm acting now... and i'm being a hypocrite to say this but i can't believe she'd do something like that. i'm being forced to... but what the hell could possess her to do it? i'm so fucking confused right now.