nothing lyrical or poetic today
i will simply write all i have to say.

so I just typed out this enormous entry explaining how fucked up love is and how hard of a time i'm having with it and then fucked up and refreshed the window... so here's the venting as closely as I can get it. Love's a funny thing... not funny in the ha ha sense, but more like in the fucked up ironic sense. My entire highschool career I avoided the teenage love thing. Sure, I fell in love with my best friend as all teenagers at one point do, but inevitably it turned into nothing. I think I loved the idea of him more than I ever loved the actual person. And then I thought I was free and clear... I was leaving my hometown without any strings attached and launching myself into the college madness... I was free. But love's a funny thing and it crept in when I wasn't looking or paying attention. It crept between my best friend and I too... and it just wouldn't back off. It grew stronger and stronger with each day... until we get to the present. We started saying I love you a while ago... but I don't think I realized I really meant it until the other day. You see my boyfriend is going to the air force. He is leaving me before this year is even over for 8 months. We haven't even been officially together for a month yet. Can such a young romance withstand that kind of time and distance? I'm not sure. And it scares me to death because the only kind of love i've ever known ends like this. I get left behind. I get left home to cry and wonder why. It's not like I didn't know that it was coming, I always did. He never kept these things from me, but all the same it was never real to me. Until he came home from visiting a base the other day with a smile bigger than I've ever seen on his face, and animatedly told me everything he'd seen and been through that day. It was hard not to burst into tears... because in about 3 minutes my entire life collapsed. I had betrayed my best friend's trust to be with him, almost ruined our friendship, and I'd even come to truly love him and now all of a sudden he was leaving me, and he wasn't even thinking of me. He didn't until I broke down into tears later that night and he forced me to tell him why. He broke down too, I saw him cry for the first time, and even though it was a little thrill that he felt comfortable enough to do it in front of me, it hurt me too. It hurt me that I could make him feel like him doing something with him life and trying to fix everything was wrong. He started telling me that he could change this and change that so he wouldn't have to be gone so long, but I told him I wouldn't let him. I'm not letting him compromise his dreams to be with me. It's not fair to him or his future. I would leave him before I ever let him do that. I feel awful because I kind of ruined everything for him, but I couldn't help it. I don't want him to leave. I'll never outright tell him that, but in my heart I don't think I can go through this again. I can't be the girlfriend waiting at home for news that he's been killed or hurt. I realize that that won't be for a few years... but if I'm in this as deeply as I think I am, we'll still be together in a few years. I can't just wait for news like that again, not after what I went through with my dad. waiting to hear that he'd died almost killed me. And that right there is why i'm terrified to be in love with him. I love him, there's no point in trying to get around that, but am I IN love with him? Can I stay with him? Can I imagine myself marrying him? having kids with him? making him a part of my fucked up little family? The problem is that I can. And it would seriously damage me to lose him at this point. He's my everything. I know it happened fast, and some would say that I'm getting carried away, but everything just works. And he's told me that I mean more to him than any girl ever has, he flat out told me that if I wasn't sure I was in this for the long haul then I needed to tell him now, because if he waited even a day longer he wouldn't survive it. He told me he was in too deep... and I believe him. I think we're both in a little deeper than we can manage, but I can't stop myself. I don't want to, I shouldn't have to.

a little broken, a little blistered, but what's left is still beating,
Jenny