I'm not sure I can even explain what i'm feeling right now. It's over. Jessi and I are officially not friends anymore. She's 2000 miles away and she hates me. She hates me for my lies, and my actions, and for the one thing that has actually made my life happy lately. She hates me for the love that I found in a place I should never have been looking in the first place. I never meant to steal David from her, even though she didn't really want him anyway. She liked him, she'd had a semi-relationship with him, not much of one, but still it mattered. I never meant to fall in love with him, but I did. And I can't turn it off or dig myself out of that hole. I thought she'd gotten over it a little bit, but I guess it's just too large of a betrayal. I just don't know what to do, I can't even cry. For the first time in a long time I'm back to my utterly invisible depression. I don't want to do anything. I get up, I go to class, I party, and I hang out with the few friends that I have left, but it's kind of emotionless. It hurts so bad that I just want to shut myself off. Best friends aren't supposed to be this breakable... I never thought in a thousand years that I'd lose her to such a degree. I just don't know what to do. I can't talk to her, I can't change anything. I fucked everything up and there's no going back on anything. There is honestly nothing I can do to fix this. It's so fucking frustrating too... because I need answers. I'm one of those people that believes in second chances... and even third, and fourth, and fifth if they are needed, but she's not. I don't know what to say other than she's being just as selfish as I was when I caused this. I would have done anything for her. I would have ripped my own heart out and told david that I didn't love him even though it was so blindingly obvious to me that I did. But she told me that it was okay. She lied to me. She told me she'd never completely write me off, and that she wouldn't hate me forever for this, but she is. She told me I could do what I wanted if I felt that he was that special to me. And he was. And I told her that, I was completely honest. I told her I had feelings I couldn't explain, or even shut off anymore, and she said it was fine. If I had known back then that it wasn't, that it wouldn't ever be I could have walked away. It would have broken me, and probably David too, but I could have done it. It's not something I can do anymore. I don't know at what point that fact changed, but I'm too far in now. He's my...everything. Jessi doesn't want to be there for me, so he has been, and so he's my best friend now. I have friends... but I don't have a best friend anymore. There's no one I can be completely and brutally honest with anymore. TJ's gone. Puddy's too wrapped up in Jessi's world, so there's just certain things I can't say. Erica's just not always there. Kahla's changed. Allor doesn't always listen or understand. He's my only option, and that's fine with me, but I just can't give that up. Because it's very obvious at this point that I can never be just friends with him. I could have if I didn't know him as deeply as I do now, but I can't now that I see the kind of person he really is rather than the person he wants some people to think he is. I want to be able to say that I'd still do anything for Jessi, that even after she's given up on me and ever trusting or loving me again, I could look past it and still keep up my end of the friendship. But I just can't do it. I never in a thousand years would have said the things she's saying to me to her... I never would have purposely hurt her, and she knows it. I can't keep trying to fix something she so obviously doesn't care about anymore. I can't keep rolling over and taking this kind of stuff all the time. I get hurt too much. I didn't care about it when she still cared a little bit for me, I would have taken it forever, but now that she's decided she's done... well maybe I'm done too. Maybe I don't always have to wait around for people to forgive me, or come back around. Maybe I need to look out for my own heart now and again. Maybe I need to think of myself rather than those around me, because it seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try to be perfect and never step on anyone's toes, it happens anyway. I hurt people anyway. It's my curse and I know it. I'm fucked up, my life is fucked up and there's nothing I'm ever going to be able to do to fix that... I just have to learn to live with the shittiness... I need to learn how to make it great. I need to be able to love, without feeling guilty. I need to be able to laugh, without wondering if I have a right to. I need to be able to just relax for 10 minutes even without thinking of how I can make things up to people. I need to be able to live. It's about time I started... oh shit, this is gonna be something. I'm not sure I know how to do this.

forever fucking over and fucking up,
Jenny