Monday, September 19, 2005

Do you ever hit a point where you feel like you've done all you can to try to fix a situation, and you just have to give up? Where is the point where you just say enough is enough? I've been paying for my mistakes for a long time now. I've apologized a thousand times. I've given in a thousand times. I've given up almost everything so I could keep my two best friends in the world and it got me nowhere. I was the only one trying to fix anything. They never wanted it fixed, and to be honest I knew that from day one. I woke up next to David that first time and I knew for sure that everything was over between me Jessi and Puddy. I knew there was no coming back from it... but I still had to try, because that's what best friendship means. It means that you don't just give up or give in or accept the fact that the years you've been together mean nothing. I tried my hardest to do any and everything in my power to get her back... to make her forgive me... to make up for all that i had done wrong. And I did. We were fine, until she decided she wanted to be cruel. Somewhere in there things changed dramatically... the person that I thought was my best friend took a sharp turn and turned into a person that I completely did not know. Someone that maybe I couldn't ever love. She was cruel and sadistic and only brought me up to put me a little farther down. She said and did things to me that I would never have considered... that I still wouldn't consider even after all she has done and said to me. She brutalized me mind, body, and soul. She made me question myself... question if I deserved her, if I deserved anyone. Friends don't do that. It doesn't matter how much I hurt her... friends don't make friends second guess their self worth. So ya, maybe i fucked up, and maybe I did a lot of things I never should of, but she stopped being my friend a long time before I ever gave up trying to be hers. I'm only realizing this now, but she was stringing me along just for sheer entertainment. She needed someone to blame things on, someone to point to and laugh at when the days got monotonous. She can blame me all she wants for the fact that she's off in california by herself hating her life... but i never wanted her to go. it was her choice. she got on that plane and she flew 2000 miles away from everything she knew knowing full well what she was leaving behind. and now i'm getting blamed for the fact that i'm still here and i can still hang out with everyone... when most of them are my family. she wouldn't even know them if it wasn't for me... she never would have gotten close to them or hung out with them at all... and i shouldn't be able to now just becuase she chose to leave and is pissed that i stayed? was i supposed to force her to stay? or go with her? neither one of those things is even possible. i can't change the fact that i fucked up... but i can change the fact that i have to deal with the consequences everyday. i don't need to wake up dreading the fact that i might have to make more excuses or prove myself more that day. I don't need to keep getting put down and stepped on. I'm human, i made a mistake and i'm paying for it... but i'm not okay with paying the price for the rest of my life... and my self confidence and happiness is too large a cost. Do i love her? ya i used to. i loved the jessi that would stand by me no matter what. i loved the jessi that was at my house everyday and referred to my room as "ours". I loved the jessi that wasn't afraid to tell me what she thought or hide anything from me. i don't love this jessi that's hellbent on destroying me. there has always been this quote that i disagreed with wholeheartedly that says that some friendships have to end... that maybe theres a reason for it. I get it now. Maybe our friendship has to end in order for us both to lead happy fulfilled lives. Maybe in order for me to be able to be in love I have to let her go... and maybe it's the same for her. Maybe to experience love separate from the kind she might have had with david she has to let me go. I'm only a reminder of what she "lost". we've been together for years and we grew up side by side learning the same lessons... but here's where the road forks. I'm learning how to love, and she's learning how to deal with losing love. We can't do it together anymore... we just can't. And so i'm cutting all ties. I'm not trying anymore, as bad as that sounds. I always said that I'd never consciously let a friendship go, but I never thought in a million years that it would damage me this much. I never thought I'd have to choose between myself and my friends... but here I am just the same. I'm choosing myself. I have to... there comes a point in everyone's life where they have to step back and take care of themselves. i'm broken and if i don't fix myself fast... i'm not sure i'll be able to be fixed at all.

friendships aren't unsinkable after all,

Thursday, September 8, 2005

I'm not sure I can even explain what i'm feeling right now. It's over. Jessi and I are officially not friends anymore. She's 2000 miles away and she hates me. She hates me for my lies, and my actions, and for the one thing that has actually made my life happy lately. She hates me for the love that I found in a place I should never have been looking in the first place. I never meant to steal David from her, even though she didn't really want him anyway. She liked him, she'd had a semi-relationship with him, not much of one, but still it mattered. I never meant to fall in love with him, but I did. And I can't turn it off or dig myself out of that hole. I thought she'd gotten over it a little bit, but I guess it's just too large of a betrayal. I just don't know what to do, I can't even cry. For the first time in a long time I'm back to my utterly invisible depression. I don't want to do anything. I get up, I go to class, I party, and I hang out with the few friends that I have left, but it's kind of emotionless. It hurts so bad that I just want to shut myself off. Best friends aren't supposed to be this breakable... I never thought in a thousand years that I'd lose her to such a degree. I just don't know what to do. I can't talk to her, I can't change anything. I fucked everything up and there's no going back on anything. There is honestly nothing I can do to fix this. It's so fucking frustrating too... because I need answers. I'm one of those people that believes in second chances... and even third, and fourth, and fifth if they are needed, but she's not. I don't know what to say other than she's being just as selfish as I was when I caused this. I would have done anything for her. I would have ripped my own heart out and told david that I didn't love him even though it was so blindingly obvious to me that I did. But she told me that it was okay. She lied to me. She told me she'd never completely write me off, and that she wouldn't hate me forever for this, but she is. She told me I could do what I wanted if I felt that he was that special to me. And he was. And I told her that, I was completely honest. I told her I had feelings I couldn't explain, or even shut off anymore, and she said it was fine. If I had known back then that it wasn't, that it wouldn't ever be I could have walked away. It would have broken me, and probably David too, but I could have done it. It's not something I can do anymore. I don't know at what point that fact changed, but I'm too far in now. He's my...everything. Jessi doesn't want to be there for me, so he has been, and so he's my best friend now. I have friends... but I don't have a best friend anymore. There's no one I can be completely and brutally honest with anymore. TJ's gone. Puddy's too wrapped up in Jessi's world, so there's just certain things I can't say. Erica's just not always there. Kahla's changed. Allor doesn't always listen or understand. He's my only option, and that's fine with me, but I just can't give that up. Because it's very obvious at this point that I can never be just friends with him. I could have if I didn't know him as deeply as I do now, but I can't now that I see the kind of person he really is rather than the person he wants some people to think he is. I want to be able to say that I'd still do anything for Jessi, that even after she's given up on me and ever trusting or loving me again, I could look past it and still keep up my end of the friendship. But I just can't do it. I never in a thousand years would have said the things she's saying to me to her... I never would have purposely hurt her, and she knows it. I can't keep trying to fix something she so obviously doesn't care about anymore. I can't keep rolling over and taking this kind of stuff all the time. I get hurt too much. I didn't care about it when she still cared a little bit for me, I would have taken it forever, but now that she's decided she's done... well maybe I'm done too. Maybe I don't always have to wait around for people to forgive me, or come back around. Maybe I need to look out for my own heart now and again. Maybe I need to think of myself rather than those around me, because it seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try to be perfect and never step on anyone's toes, it happens anyway. I hurt people anyway. It's my curse and I know it. I'm fucked up, my life is fucked up and there's nothing I'm ever going to be able to do to fix that... I just have to learn to live with the shittiness... I need to learn how to make it great. I need to be able to love, without feeling guilty. I need to be able to laugh, without wondering if I have a right to. I need to be able to just relax for 10 minutes even without thinking of how I can make things up to people. I need to be able to live. It's about time I started... oh shit, this is gonna be something. I'm not sure I know how to do this.

forever fucking over and fucking up,