Wednesday, January 26, 2011

And I bid farewell to my bitterness, for you were never worth it in the end.

It's hard looking back sometimes. It's hard to come back here and read the words of a girl that gave everything she was to a boy that didn't want her. A boy that never deserved her. Whoever that girl was, she doesn't exist anymore. That girl that would give anything, change anything, be anything for love no longer exists. She died the day she realized who that boy truly was. I will fully admit that I was that girl. I was that dreamer that wanted to believe that there was some good in all people, that even if someone did something bad, that there was a reason behind it. No person was malevolent or mean at heart, they were simply lost. After the events of the past year and a half I can say that some people harbor an evil within them that cannot be explained, and cannot be fixed. There are liars, and abusers and worthless human beings in this world. He was one of them. So this is my last letter to him. A hardened goodbye that until today I have been too scared to attempt to write. Because giving up on him, on us, on a 'forever and always' is difficult and scary. But with a clearer mind and a clearer understanding of the world, and of people I can honestly say that I never intend to be a part of his life, nor want him to be part of mine, ever again.

To my first (love/mistake),

It's almost amazing how freeing this last year and a half has been without you. I've done things and experienced things that I feared, because of you or because I was with you. I've grown more as a person in these past months than I grew in the four years we were together. For a long time I didn't think that I would ever be able to move on from the pain that you purposely inflicted on me. I didn't think that I ever could, or ever would, or would ever want to love another person again. You changed me in ways that I don't really want to admit. From the day I was born I trusted in people. I trusted that people were good at heart, that even if people did bad things, they did them for good reason. I had a faith in mankind that was unchangeable, or so I thought. And then I met you, the real you. At first I blamed it on me. I blamed it on the fact that you could never love a person like me, that I had done something wrong. I don't believe this anymore. After a solid year of not having contact with you I do believe that I am better for it. Your lies and your deceptions shrouded my entire life. You broke me. And I fixed me. Alone. While you went running full-fledged into the arms and heart of another, I let myself heal. I let myself grow to be who I now know myself to be. I'm still not the girl that I intend to be, nor am I perfect, or unflawed, or even completely happy. But I am myself. And you have hardened me to lies. I hope that someday you wake up from the miserable life that you built for yourself and you realize that I was right all along. You are just a scared little boy that doesn't know how to be alone. And I think at some point we all are. We all need that defining moment where we must stand on our own two feet. It's terrifying, to know that you don't have anyone else in the world, but it is amazing as well. To be able to say that I overcame you is probably one of my greatest feats. I overcame a man that waltzed into my life, deceived me, changed me, and made me do things I would never ever do on my own. I overcame a man that broke me. I wish just one more time I could look you in the face and tell you everything I think of you. Maybe that makes me a terrible person, that I want to tear you down just like you tore me down. But I think what I would have to say would hurt more than anything you ever launched at me. Because the only things that I would ever need to say would be thank you. Thank you for pushing me to see that all people are not good at heart. Thank you for forcing me to stand on my own two feet. Thank you for making me feel so fucking amazing. And thank you for allowing me to find real love. Not juvenile love, not necessary love, but love. Love where a man WANTS me, DESIRES me, APPRECIATES me. You make every man in the world look amazing in comparison. All I have to realize is that hey, can't be any worse than that first one right? You see, now I have rules that I do follow. And if a man EVER lies to me, cheats on me, or hits me again I have you to thank for the fact that I will not have a second thought in picking up and leaving in an instant. I will never again let a man treat me the way that your young stupid ass believed you could. I am someone you would no longer recognize. I'm not scared of the world anymore. I'm not scared of what people think, or how they react to me. I'm me… take it or leave it. And I hope you rot in hell for what you did to me…and what I no doubt believe you will continue to do to any girl you "love". Because some people were never meant to love. You asked me once if I thought that the world was better off without you. I answered no. Even then I knew I lied. So I'm finally letting go, not of you, but of the memory of you. I've held myself back because of what you did to me for far too long. I've met people that were far better than you and I still did not trust them, because you made me mistrust the world. But I'm done with your lies, and I'm done with you still influencing this me… this new amazing me. If I could go back in time and change one thing it wouldn't be loving you, it would be trusting you. But I can't, so I can only live and learn. Live my life free of your influence, and learn to trust that these other men are not you. Trust that these men are not liars, or abusers, or fuck-ups. Because that's who you are and who you are destined to always be. I'm the completer and you are the destroyer. Polar opposites, that attracted for far too long. Go bring someone else's world down because mine is standing unscathed finally. You couldn't affect it if you tried. I love NOT loving you.

Forever and always,