Thursday, March 9, 2006

Its a Good Day to Look Back

Life is an endless string of events, and I guess I always knew that. I knew there would be good days and bad days, happy and sad days, and even just days like this one, days where you can just sit back, talk to old friends, and blast country music so loud while your flying down the express way at 75 miles an hour that you think nothing can touch you. I knew there was randomocity to days, i knew that everyone was different, but when I look back at this journal I don't see that. All I see is pain, and hate, and half-truths because I was so goddamn angry about what was happening to me. It's taken quite a few wakeup calls to realize this, to realize that maybe i was never representing myself with this blog, I was merely creating a world where I was the victim and it was okay for me to say anything i wanted to get back at the people that hurt me, and coincidentally those that love me the most.

I thought that the internet was safe. I knew I was broadcasting my pathetic sense of existance to the world, to countless strangers that I don't know, or even if I did know, wouldn't know me. I never stopped for one second to think that those I loved the most would ever come across my harsh words. I was wrong. Search engines are amazingly accurate, and telling these days. So my best friend, the person that I've probably hurt worst in this world, found my online journal, because it's such a jenny-thing-to-do. It's not even that I care that she read these inner thoughts of mine. I trust her more than anyone in the world, even if we don't talk much, and see each other even less. She was my best friend for years, and that trust will never go away. I just hate that I hurt her with my words. I hate that this place that I thought was so safe, and so harmless, was able to hurt her because of the way I used it. And so I'm attempting to remedy that.

I'm not just going to use this on the bad days anymore, I'm branching out. Today it becomes my outlet for hope, for happiness, and for contempletation. These are my thoughts, these are really me. Ignore what has come before this very entry because starting at 10:16 on March 9, 2006, I'm letting anyone that dares to look see what I'm really about, and who I really am.

I'm in an amazing relationship that is not quite a fairytale, but he makes me happy. We have our fights, hell we're coming out of one right now, but we always make up. I make sure before I lay my head down to sleep at night that we're okay, that I've said "I love you" and that I know, without a doubt, that we will live to see another day. Relationships are hard, but isnt that the point? We have to fight for the things that we really want, we have to battle to be worthy of the rewards. And ya, sometimes it hurts, but the way I see it now, the rest of the time it doesn't. and if I have to live through a couple more arguments or misunderstandings, then it's worth it, if only for one night laying in his safe arms.

Friendships are the same way I think. You have to fight for them, or they don't really mean much at all. I've fought with my best friend, it's true. But ever since the last time we exchanged harsh words I've been fighting FOR her. I want her back, and I'll stop at nothing to get her back. It's not worth the petty highschool drama anymore. We're adults, and we're dealing with love and life and everything else on our own, it's about time we put the team back together and battled it together, cuz I'm losing. Our friendship made me sane, and I fear for myself if these things dont get settled soon. She's traveling the country in less than a month to see us all, and I can't wait another minute. Everything will be okay. It has to be.

I never realized that the path I let myself lead the last few months is what was making me crazy. I thought for the longest time that it was because of my unresolved issues with my dad that I couldn't be fully happy, that I was irritated and felt completely off center. The truth was that I was off center, because I had let myself stray there. I went to college and left all my friends a half an hour behind, and thought it was too far. It's not, and I need them now more than ever. They bring me back to reality and make me see that not only am I being a dumbass, but that life is awesome with them in it. I wish I could see them everyday, and I can't. But I will see them more than once every couple months now too.

I'm not sure what else to say. I'm coming back from the dark place, and I have all the people that I love to thank for that. They've woken me up, and given me reason to open my eyes. I've been depressed, and I need my medication. It doesn't come in pills, or bottles, either. It comes in human form, and they're ready to be filled. Thank god for all these great friends that haven't given up on me in my absence.

i've woken up, and I'm not walking away,

Wednesday, March 8, 2006

Nothing left to Argue, Nothing Left to Say

here's to afterhighschool romances being exactly like the ones that we experienced when we were there. Here's to my stupidass believing that love could really save me, and really bring me back to earth. And finally, here's to heartbreak, but never breaking up. It's a toast to being lonely, but somehow still not being alone. And it's a toast to crying and drowning yourself in the tub. I don't know where I'm going, or if my words are taking me there, but all I can say for fucking sure is that I wish to god he'd be walking up those stairs. I'm tired and I'm uneasy, and I feel like I've already lost the race, when the honest truth is that I probably never ever kept up with a single pace. I'm a gimmick, I'm a joke, I'm everything he thought he wanted, but nothing that he chose. I'm his dream girl to a tee, but how the hell does he know what he wants anyway. I'm fucked up, I'm hurting and where is he? I don't have a damn clue. He's as lost to me as I am right now. And the sad part of everything? He's the only one that I have to call. I have not a fucking soul in the world to go to right now other than the person that I all of the sudden feel the need to run away from. That's not even the truth, he was the one that ran away from me.

so run run run away, everything will eventually be okay... but just remember that those you leave behind, they change, they rearrange, and sometimes lose their mind.

i give up i'm not making sense or helping myself in the least with this stupid shit,