My thoughts won't grace the computer screen any easier than they will paper.  What I am feeling isn't something that is easily passed on to an audience.  It's a sadness that is hard to describe without the look of pain and emptiness in the eye of its beholder.  It's hard to examine without a chart of all the wounds that have graced my heart in the last few years.  you get stabbed in the heart enough, it's bound to break.  There are stitches, sutures, and miracle cures found through the hands of honest lovers, but nothing touches the crack that's permeating to the center of me.  Nothing can erase this pain, this loss, this emptiness.  My father is gone, but he very well may be watching over me.  It's becoming more and more apparent that my views on life, and afterlife are slightly flawed.  what I wanted to believe and what I realized I actually took to be the truth were two seperate things.  I didn't believe in god.  I didn't believe in angels or ghosts.  and now i have reality staring me invisibly in the face.  i cannot see him.  but for once i believe he is there.  he loves me.  he watches me.  and it hurts like hell that he could be inches away and i can't sense him.  i can't hear him, or smell him, or see his silhouette.  It hurts deeper now.  I need to face something.  i can feel it.  heightened perception perhaps from my life of misery, or maybe simply just negative melodramatic thought.  i live for this.  i love for him.  is he proud?
living the life he never would have wanted,
J-L