Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Backwards Realities Never Were My Favorite.

So when the world goes topsy turvy this is where I stand my ground. I tell my secrets without abandon, hoping some answers will be found. Maybe I'm a little crazy, a little too perfect to live in this fucked up world. The only thing I ever wished to be, was to always always be his girl. And this rhyming is getting out of tune already… so here's my saga I hope your ready.

I've been with a man for almost 4 years… almost being the key word here. Our anniversary is august 3rd, today is July 29th. He broke up with me with no warning, no reason, and no care 3 days ago. Looked me straight in the face and told me that he didn't love me, that maybe he never really had. And my world melted. It lost all reason, all purpose, everything. We were on our way back from vacation. I didn't even get to unpack my bags before I was forced out of my home. Days went by without communication, until I had a few drinks and decided that I wasn't going to be silenced on this topic anymore. I didn't care what he'd done, I wanted him back. He still didn't want me. And I wouldn't give up, so he says something that tears my world to pieces once again. I cheated on you. 4 words, 5 syllables, yet groundbreaking. At first I didn't believe a word he said. I didn't see his face because he did it over the phone so I couldn't believe it, I wouldn't. So we arranged a time to talk. I sat waiting for an hour and a half before I got the phone call. He was at the police department. He had changed the date on his expired motorcycle 30 day tags, was carrying an ample amount of marijuana, and would be in jail a few days. Could I call his mom? Could I call his boss? Could I pick him up? I wasn't his girlfriend anymore. He'd done who knows what with who knows who who knows when. I wasn't his lifeline, and yet somehow I was. I called him mom, she called his boss, and she picked him up. And somehow I came running back to him when he got home. He wanted to talk, about what we were going to do now that our relationship was over. I wanted to talk, about how we were going to make this work. I WAS BEGGING HIM FOR ANOTHER CHANCE. We have to have entered a topsy turvy world where yes means no and everything is backwards. It made no sense. He did the unmentionable. And I was apologizing, I was going to change for him?

Here's the part where all you readers get pissed at ME. You tell me not to be THAT girl. You tell me to pick up whats left of me and walk away. Kick him in the balls, slap him across the face and move on to something better that I deserve. That's what I'd be feeling if I read this. Writing this is different. For the first time in my life, I know without a doubt and without pause that I love this man. He's screwed up right now. He's on a disaster path that's leading him to somewhere that he likes. He wants to be alone… wanted maybe is the key word. You never really realize what you want until it's gone, or leaving. So yelling and screaming that I loved him, that I would always love him, that he made a mistake but he could fix it, only tonight. And now he's kicking himself in the balls, and slapping himself across the face, and telling me to move on to something better that I deserve. He is marveling at the power my love for him has. I will not listen to a word you have to say, and I'm sorry, but I'm a smart person. I have an IQ that is off the charts and I've aced every class I've come across, unless of course I didn't feel the need to summon up the effort. My friends would describe me as the genius, the smart one, the one that always knows what to do. But from the day I was born, I listened to my heart, not my head.

I feel broken in two. I feel as if our relationship will never be quite what it was before, because I have this stuck in the back of my head. There will always be her, when I'm undressing, when I'm kissing him, when I'm making love to him. To some degree the thought of her will not go away, at least for a while. As for him, is he to be trusted? I say yes, but again that's my heart speaking. It is my belief that he hit a psychological break and wanted to let loose all ties to all those around him. I was the only one that wasn't going to go willingly, so he did the one thing we both thought would seal the deal on this relationship. I said from day one my only two rules were don't hit me, and don't cheat on me. Those are the only reasons I would leave without a second thought. I was wrong. As was he. This may prove to be our undoing in the end, but for now I'm being strong because I think in the end of all this bullshit, and when all the backwards curtains are pulled and the world is as it should be, there will be happiness on the other side. Call me stupid, call me whatever you want, I'm in love and for the first time I don't care what other people think about my decisions. I might be wrong, but I'm okay with that.

And so we wait, for the final ball to drop, or for the scene to reverse back to reality. We wait to see if love really is enough in this fucked up world. We wait to see where we go from here… these are the days you marvel at your own strength, and also your own weaknesses. I love him, but this makes me fucking hate myself. This will be a long road but it's brightening a little everyday. Maybe that romance in him will return. Maybe he'll come home and sweep me off my feet. Maybe he'll make me love myself again someday. We just have to wait and see.


Loving him and losing it.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

My Pieces

Over the course of growing up I was probably asked over a hundred times what kind of person I am. Am I giver, or a taker, a liar or a faker. I've been given a thousand comparisons to choose from. Black and white reminders of categories that no real person could ever fit in. I was told from day one that I had to fit into categories. I had to be… something. I had to be able to explain exactly what kind of person I was in order to decide what kind of person I wanted to someday be. Today I finally realized who I was. And to be quite honest, it has nothing to do with the bullshit cookie cutter places they wanted to shove me into. I am a very unique person, one that has intrinsic value that is lost on most people. Those are the ones that vanish from my life without many second thoughts. They move on before they realize what I have to offer them. I don't really blame them, I'm just realizing exactly what it is that I possess, what kind of value I hold to this amazingly fucked up world. So what is it you might ask? What is it that I have to give to you? The answer is a piece of me.

I've skirted around this idea that I started as a whole person, and that I've lost pieces of myself along my long journey of life. I've talked it to death in previous journals, but I never really gave it any depth. I never really structured the idea in the sense that I intend to now. Before I get too deep into this I want to issue a small disclaimer. I do not intend this to increase my social, or even intrinsic value to the world. I am not spewing these mostly useless words to prove to you that you should be in my life, or that somehow I am worth more than you. I just made a profound realization in my life, and its brought me to a place of finality somehow. It has brought me to a place where I can be me, I can be comfortable, and I can feel as if, in the long run maybe I do mean something. So here is my normal incoherent babble for you to muddle through with (dis)interest.

I'm one of those people that has always always felt like there is something profound missing from my life. I walk around seeking that final piece day after day, and I will find things that feel right, and I will keep them, and still that hollow piece in my heart pangs to be filled. I used to blame it on losing my father at such a young age. I thought that I would never fill the hole that he left me with. I've realized that is not the case. I love my father, and in some way shape or form he is still with me every day of my life. He is proud of me, he loves me, and somewhere out there he is waiting for me to return to him. Am I bitter? Absolutely. Do I hate the world sometimes still? Everyday. Do I feel empty because of it? No. I feel a lot of things about my father, but not one of them is emptiness. I'm almost overflowing at the brim with memories of him. I will never lose that. So why do I feel so empty? The answer lies within the kind of person I have found myself to be.

I am selfless to a degree that I'm not sure I can explain in words. I am the friend that will never give up on you. I am the person that will give up anything to make you feel better, even in detriment to my own well being. I am the one that will give my life for yours, and think about it a little too late and a little too little. This sounds weird even as I type it out about myself, because I'm a bitch. I tell it how it is. I call you on your bullshit. I get heated and upset a lot. My tolerance is high, but when I explode, I decimate whatever lies within reach. I'm real. So maybe this is the price you pay for the goods you receive from me. I give up a part of my soul to everyone I touch… a part of my heart.

I will always be empty to some degree, because the pieces of myself that I long for lie within the people of my past. I give a part of myself to each person, a different part, a necessary part that makes their life a little easier to deal with. Maybe this is why I find it hard to let people in my life go because in an essence I am giving up on me. I am giving up on the parts of me that I felt I could do without. I love so deeply and so passionately that I do not see giving these pieces of myself away as anything great. I see it as necessary. A need. I love doing it.

Everyone I love holds a piece of me that I will never get back. And I realized today that they are better for it. They have never, nor will they ever again, have a person like me in their life. I love them more than I can fathom loving myself. All of them. All of you. Even the ones I have yet to meet, I love you for all your fucked up little quirks. I love you for your empty chambers that I can no doubt fill with another interesting part of me. I can be whatever you need me to be. Because I don't need to be anything other than that.

My haphazard past has led me to many places, and I could probably not trace it back if I tried. My pieces lie like breadcrumbs in the hearts of those that I have touched, and even if I sought to find each and every piece, I do not have the heart to take those pieces back. They needed those pieces, more than I did, and more than I will ever need them again. All those versions of me, they still exist out there within these people. Maybe I'm getting a little existential on you guys, but there are a thousand versions of me out there conquering the world. There are a million of me affecting the world still today, because each person with a piece of me, no doubt passes that part of me along to those they come into contact with. It's a strange little Jenny chain saving lives and hearts out there. This sounds crazy, and like I'm full of myself, but I feel good.

I feel great for the fact that I am worth something. I am the person that will someday at least try to save your life. I've seen what saving one life has coalesced to, what it is still blossoming into. And its eyeopening. I love that my life can save thousands just by shattering… even if it is one piece at a time. I only hope that a piece of me is climbing through these virtual pages. Learn from me, and pass it on. Maybe you too, can save a life.

Maybe emptiness doesn't have to be a bad thing. Maybe it's just a reminder. A slight pang that tells me that in some small, maybe even insignificant way, I'm changing the world. My pieces make other people feel whole, and my emptiness is a reminder of that. It is a small incentive to continue living the way that I do, to continue loving with no limits. I'm a bitch, but you love me, and your probably better for it too.

So in conclusion, if I were to define myself, I would have to say that I am a completer. I encounter people, I pick them up and dust them off and fill a tiny hole within them that allows them to continue on by themselves. I am not a creator, nor am I a developer, I am simply a builder. I am a helping hand. I reassemble what is out of whack. And I love doing it. I love finding something broken and bandaging it. Maybe someday I will encounter another person like myself and finally become my own finished product. I almost hope that doesn't happen though, who am I, if I am not who you need me to be?


This is either the caffeine or the sleep deprivation talking, but I mean every misspoken word of it.