Tuesday, February 21, 2006

boyfriends and boy (space) friends

does life always run in circles... or maybe just spiral? I mean in the last year I have completely changed as a person. I've found love. I've lost friends. I've found out what was truly important to me. I've lived almost on my own. But in the same aspects I've lost myself too. I lost the person I used to be able to be with my friends. I've lost the need to party all the time. I've lost the freedom to flirt, and kiss, and spend every night exactly the way I want to. None of this is bad, I've just learned a new way of life. I've given up things in order to get things, and I'm finally happy... or at least on my way to finding out what that word really means. But now I find myself in the same position I was a year ago, two years ago, hell even three. TJ's in my life again, by my sheer amount of will. I missed him, so I started calling and now I think I'm on my way to having him back. as a friend. as only a friend. and for once that's all i want, that's all I need. I need for him to be just a friend, so that I can once and for all prove to myself that david is the one, that david's the only one I want to be with for the rest of my life. But on the phone today TJ finally admitted to me why he's repeatedly made plans with me, but broken them. He finally realized that he really fucked up in letting me go. He openly said, this is hard for me to say and it's really awkward, but i wish i had done things different with you a long time ago. In not so many specific words I got out of it that he's in love with me, or maybe has realized that at some point he was. which really fuckin sucks because i wasted three years of my life being literally obsessively in love with him, and he never could figure these things out then. So you might wonder what the problem is. I've said time and time again that I'm in love with david, that I'd never screw things up, that he's the one I want to marry... and he is. I have no doubt about that fact. He is and will always be the man that I want to spend my entire life with, every bad and good day of it. But I want my best friend back. Before TJ became a love interest he was my best friend. Even after he was still my best friend because that's how strong it was. Things never would have worked out and he had me guessing too much anyways. I wouldn't wanna jeopardize that friendship now that I look back on it. But now i'm finding out that I'm jeopardizing it anyway. TJ won't hang out with me because he doesn't wanna mess up what me and david have, and he convinced of the fact that he will. He's convinced that something would happen that would hurt me, and he says it's because he wants to protect me because he loves me. I need my best friend though, more than anything right now. I just wish he'd see that. I wish he'd believe me when i said that i'd never let him come between me and david and that david honestly does not care. i wish he'd listen to me like he used to.

best friends and boyfriends never were an easy thing to decide, if only he would listen to me instead of choosing to run and hide.

love, life, friends, and circular amusements never were my thing,