Thursday, January 26, 2012

Twisting myself back up in love/life

"life doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be lived"-Dexter

And as the fear creeps in deeper, running already sounds enticing. This soul was born to run, impulsive to the core, but the biggest fear is what happens when I can't run anymore. And if I'll ever find what I run for.

Am I scared to get hurt, or that I've found a place worth being still for?  My heart continues beating, my mind is racing at a frenzied pace, but amazingly my hands are steady. Only here. And as I say this I can hear what its like when he smiles.

This world is a mess of contradictions and nonsensical bullshit, but I love every twisted note. I love that I hear his smiles, taste his apprehension, smell his doubt, feel his absence, and imagine a place where this is routine, mutual, a place where finally there is no reason nor temptation to run. ever again. Or at least for one more night.

Monday, January 16, 2012

untangling the web

The concept of time is something that I can no more put out of my mind than I can erase, or escape it.  Memories are remnants of this time, and as those memories fade, I am left to wonder if time itself does not fade, and eventually cease to exist.  We wake up and we live each day and we go through the seconds and minutes and hours as if they are nothing, but once we live them, and cease to remember them, do they themselves fade away?

And as I stood there today, realizing that everything that we ever had was gone, I smiled.  I reveled in the fact that he no longer existed there, that maybe we no longer had to exist either.  All that remains of us is the fact that we have both found our way here.  I understand what here means to me, although I'm not really sure where or what here actually is.  What it is for him, I don't really care.  Because even though it is here for him, it doesn't have to be here for me anymore.  I have finally escaped the tangled web we chose to weave all of those years ago, and I feel confident in the fact that I am better for it.

Fate is for the believers, destiny is for the lovers... somehow I find myself somewhere in between these.  Locked between fate and destiny and believing and loving.  You would be amazed by the amount of lies that exist in this space.  So, I wonder if I can believe in that happy ending, or simply bask in the utter lunacy of it.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

love and contradictions

Today the world melted away again.  I woke up and it was different, but somehow still the same.  And it is only now that I am realizing that the world didn't change this time.  I did.  I think I finally realized that it might be time to grow up.  Life isn't all about having fun, or going crazy.  It isn't about making stupid decisions, and laughing about them later.  Life is definitely not about sharing a bed with someone different every couple days.  It's about all of those things too... all of those things make up my life.  Every bad decision, and every stupid choice, and every good one too.  That is my life.  But now I want it to be more, I need it to be more.  Life is about finding that one person that you want to spend your life with and sharing everything with them.  Life someday does not need to be this lonely.  Because right now that's what it is.  Lonely.  The kind of lonely that permeates to the very center of my chest and just sits there night after night.  Its like a hole, with a weight inside.  I know what I'm missing.  The problem is that I'm not sure who it is that will ever fill it.  I've been in love before, this I am sure of, but I have never ever found a love that filled that space inside.  Everyone tells me to wait, to be patient, that love will find me one day, and I'll just know, but what if I didn't know and I already walked away from it?  What if I didn't get the right (possibly wrong) guy a chance?  These what ifs are overpowering sometimes.  They take my breath away, and they make the loneliness creep in a little farther.

And I am left sitting at the bar, next to a boy that I have known for a long time and he looks different.  And the way he looks at me is different than he used to, and I guess I've seen this for a while.  I've seen that something changed along the way, something in the way he catches my eye across the room and smiles at me.  Something in the way he hugs me goodbye, like he holds on a little longer than before, and is a little more tender than he used to be.  And this makes me want to change how I look at him, but then those what ifs rear their heads again and I wonder if it's only because I'm lonely.  He's a great guy, and to be quite honest I would trust any of my best friends hearts in his hand.  I'm not sure who said it, or where I heard it, or if the information is even plausible or believable, but there was a day in the not too distant past when someone somewhere said that every lonely single girl worries and cries about the fact that she is alone, when if she just took the time to look around her she has at least one guy friend that would die to spend their life and conquer the world with her.  I can do that.  I can look at my life and I can see at least four guys that would drop everything they have to be with me.  But I still have one little problem.  I'm not willing to drop my life for any of them.  If we were supposed to love each other, wouldn't we already be together?  But then there's the fact that if I never make any steps to change those relationships that they will never change, they will never evolve.

So here's the problem.  Everything that anyone ever tells you about love is contradicting.  "wait for love to come to you". "best friends usually end up falling in love". "nothing will happen if you don't get out there and do something about it". "change is necessary".  "love never changes".  It's all crap.  I could easily love someone that already loves me, but for some reason that's just not enough for me, it never has been.  I need that epic earth shattering love.  The kind that fate brings, and battling keeps.  I want someone to fight to get me and fight to keep me, and never fight with me.  I want love that is enough for my entire life.

Because this hole inside of me is growing as each day passes.  The sun rises, and with it comes a carving knife.  I fear that if love does not find me, and soon that I will eventually not want to wake up anymore to witness the destruction.  Love is the only cure to this kind of loneliness.  But I can't find it, and am starting to wonder if I ever will.


Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Footprints in the snow

The world looks so innocent encased in white. As if nothing can touch it, and it has never been touched before. A virgin to the horrors of the world. And then someone touches it. Leaves their mark in a permanently impermanent way.

Even as she writes it she knows that he will not see it. The snow continues to fall covering the letters ever so slowly, and she watches them fade away. She knows she ruined the pristine illusion, but also revels in the fact that snow is self protecting.  It regenerates much like a starfish... And soon it will be as if she had never been here to even witness the storm.

She is jealous if the fact that she cannot fade away as easily as her footprints in the snow.