Tuesday, July 19, 2016

The unforgiveable destruction of illusion

Some days my heart aches in ways that are difficult to describe...difficult to even admit.  I stare at the ring on my finger and I feel so many conflicting emotions that it becomes overwhelming.  Love, unquestionable love and desire.  Hope, for happiness and comfort.  But also a deep and ever-present darkness...anxiety, worry, despair. 

I have stood here before.  Not here, it was very different.  I was...naive, gullible, innocent.  He was...he was...deceptive.  As more time passes the memory fades, both in importance and clarity.  I don't love him anymore.  I wasn't sure that would be possible back then. I was sure that kind of love was...inescapable.  That the poison would linger, that his thorned vines would continue to tangle and I would never be free.  Yet here I stand, "free". And yet I am caged, not by him or even his memory.  I now realize that the real prison was made by me.

He changed me.  What he did to me cut so deeply, so suddenly that I cannot pretend to be untouched, that I have somehow overcome the trauma.  He abandoned me.  He made me question my self-worth.  He showed me that people lie, and people manipulate, and that all people do not have good intent.  He tore apart everything I believed in and everything that I thought I knew was true.  And the hardest part is not what he did, but that I let him.

A lot changed after this.  Everything I believed in, everything I thought I wanted...it wasn't true anymore.  And a few years went on, and as much as I could I healed.  I dusted myself off, I stood on my own and I kept going.  And a big part of me believed that I had truly healed, that I was okay.

I see now that I am not.  I see the darkness within this sparkling symbol of love, of commitment, of promise.  And that crack in my heart pangs.  It whispers, it worries.

I'm not good enough.
I don't deserve this.
He can't love me.
I'll ruin it.
He'll give up on me.
I'll lose him.
...I'll never be what he needs.

And sometimes I feel like my soul is screaming at him...warning him.  Telling him that he has made an impossible promise.  Because he can't love me.  Not like that, not forever.  Because a long time ago someone broke forever for me.  He shattered it, and he still has those pieces.

Is it wrong to want closure?  I have moved past love, and hate, and even regret. I am exactly where I want to be, but I am terrified that if I don't say some things out loud, if I don't ask him why, that my heart may betray me.  It is so good at running, escaping the inevitable. 

But I am so tired of running.

When did I stop believing in forever? When did I begin to question whether I could ever be loved, protected, respected?  When did I give up on that white picket fence, bringing life into the world and for once feeling what family meant...real family? 

He asked me if I wanted to have children the other day...and I didn't answer. I couldn't...because all I could see was your face that day at the jewelry store when you asked me to look at rings.  I saw the illusion of hope in your eyes, and I remembered how it felt to be surprised...And also how it felt when the curtain fell and the truth was all that remained.  It all came back...the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, the disbelief.  So, I in turn created an illusion, a distraction.  And I didn't tell him the truth.  The truth that I often doubt that others can love me, that I deserve to be a wife, a mother.  You made me fear love.  And while I can forgive what you did to me, that is something I cannot forget, something that I believe may be unforgivable.