Sunday, May 17, 2009

And when the end comes crashing in, imagine me ready to go out in glory

And when the razors are so inviting, this is where we end tonight. Farther away from being in love, and even farther from being alright. We end where the cobwebs lose their meaning, and spiders aren't the craziest affair. We wind to the end of a road quite horrid, a path we'd rather wind unaware. And we come to this place quite mistakenly, after a night of misguided fun, we end here because we have no idea where else to haphazardly run. We did no wrong in following this path, we meant no malice or spite. We wanted nothing other than to love him wholeheartedly, and even now want nothing more than everything to be alright. Wounds come at a price too high to pay, even after all this crazy withdrawal, we may never raise the funds to pay it, we may never come out on the favored end of our misguided brawl.

And so here is the list of misguided loves, and hates and undecideds. Even before the breakdown I can tell you I love him with all that I am.

I love him mostly for his bravery, he'd stand up in a second to any fight. He'd fight for me, or against me, but he'd never show his fright. He would protect what needed to be protected, no matter what it was. And in the end it wouldn't even see it as anything close to the fight it was. He did what needed to be done. That's his story through and through. I also love him for his passion, in bed and otherwise. He's the kindest, most open lover you will ever find. He finds joy in another's pleasure, and ecstasy in mine. He is and will always be passionate, for anything he deems worthy. He's willing to try new things, willing to work through those that don't pan out, and most importantly the attempt was always worth whatever consequences may come about. He's also adventurous, climbing each mountain that comes to play. But cautious in the sense, that if I would get hurt, he'd shield me. He's not cautious by nature, but for some reason, some amazingly compassionate reason, he is cautious if only for me. That's a virtue you find seldom in another human being. To be conscious of another's downfalls is amazing to me. Me, I'm cautious to the extreme, so when I go all out, I scare him a little, which is why he is cautious by proximity. He feels if I'm going to step out of my comfort zone someone should look out for me, I guess. I love him for a thousand different things. He takes care of me financially. He makes me smile. He plays stupid arcade video games because it may be one of the only things we can agree on. And he's nice to my friends, a virtue I can not boast myself. I'm hard to impress, less than willing to open up, and untrusting of newbies. He is everything that I am not. He is open, trusting (in a surface meaning of the term), and charming. He can charm the pants off of a newcomer. I'm even jealous of that attribute. He definitely charmed me…

I like him because he's smart in the most odd ways imaginable. He knows how fast an ostrich can run, even though the number eludes me now. He knows the german number system. He can shoot a gun. He can turn on a video game he's never seen and play it within 5 seconds correctly. This astounds me no matter how stupid it sounds. He can lie like a champ, this sounds like it would be something I would hate, but who doesn't love someone that can fool the world without a second glance? He cares about animals. He takes care of his pets. He compliments me when I least expect it, and even though I'm not sure how to take those compliments, I cherish them, each one and to an amazing degree. I still remember the first time he called me beautiful, it was unwarranted and incorrect, but I relish in the fact that he said it. I love that he loves my music for me. And my movies he could give a shit less about. I love that he loves everything I love. Maybe I should love what he does too. And I do try, I swear I do.

I hate that he hates country music. It's the most honest thing in the world to me, and I just wish he would see it for what it was sometimes. I hate that he's fast to judge and faster to punish. I hate that he has expectations I feel like I could never in a million years live up to. I'm smart but there are some things I couldn't ever expect to amount to. I hate that he hates me, for the fact that I'm not sure how to please him. I don't know how to clean, because my life as a child was in extreme upheavel. If I wasn't switching from home to home, I was losing a father, or a mother to a stepfather that killed everything pleasant in my world. I never had the childhood he expects that I did. I never learned to clean, or to resolve arguments, or even to just be calm. Being calm wasn't an option. It was life or death. I wish I could have chosen death. But here we are and the ultimatums are the same, I hate that he doesn't see that. That he doesn't know that. That he hasn't ever thought to ask. Most of all I hate that I can't blame him. These faults, they all boil down to me, me being who I am, or maybe more importantly who I was molded to be. I'm a little crazy I guess. I hold on too tight, I fly off the handle too fast, and I'm never ever comfortable with a what if. Whatifs are nevers to me, because they all boil down to do or die. You can't halfway it, if you don't do something about it, something is going to die. That's how I feel and I doubt anything will ever change that fact.

And so I'm all in. For only him, and for only this. I held my head high and I challenged all my fears when I went into this blind. I knew somewhere deep down that he was worth it, that what he would show me and teach me and be to me would be better than anything I had dreamed. I knew he was it for me. From the very first second I knew, and continue to know that he is everything I wanted. It's not all flowers and rainbows and tv show promises of happy endings, but its real. And most of the time its amazing. I see in him something that few people possess. I see in him a spirit that is worthy of the love I intend to give him. If he wants it, it is his forever. Forever and always. That's what he said.

I love him more my dreams. I love him more than becoming a counselor that could have seriously helped me when I needed one. I love him more than walking down the aisle and pledging my love to someone. I love him more than bringing another soul into this world. And that's hard for me to admit, because when I think about it I don't want to give any of that up. I don't want to give up a future than I know I would be perfectly happy with. But on the same hand, I don't want to give him up more. I love him more than any what-if in the world, because he's real, and he's breakable, and he can walk away but with everything I am I don't want him to. I could never be this me without him, and I love this me. I love this me that isn't afraid of things, or possibilities. I love this me that fights fire with fire and ice. I love who he has made me, and I will whither without him. I will burn out quicker than he realizes.

This is me, in my disgustingly honest hues. Yes, I held you back no matter your intentions. Yes, I damaged your window, and intend to repair it no matter how this pans out. Yes, I screamed and cried and bled for me. And yes, it was worth it. I would change nothing. I don't regret things. These things are who we are and what we did. We deal with them, we heal from them, and we move on. Scars are obviously left, some that will never ever go away, but together we can beat them. Together we are more than any of these scars can ever be. We are better than our drunken mistakes. We are more than our unfortunate encounters. So love me, for who I am, and for who we are together.

And if the love was not enough, and he turns his head and sighs, just know that I tried my best, let your witness be these cries. I was honest if nothing close to worthy, and fought for everything I thought we had. It's in his hands, and within his heart now, I pray to god that life is not this mad. Because we are something close to the ideal, even if not perfected nor molded quite right, we can be everything I dreamed of, I promise we can make this right. And so this lies within his hands, and his heart not yet turned to stone. Love me for who you know I am, know me for who've I've somehow grown. Close your eyes take the leap, it's not that far yet to be thrown. We will prevail, we will love each other again, please let the truth be shown.