Thursday, January 26, 2006

I'm just in one of those moods where I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't get my thoughts down in writing, but I have no idea what I want to say. I have all these thoughts just flying in circles in my brain but I can't figure any of them out. I'm going insane. I'm trying to handle too much, but dealing with too little. I wanna be the carefree student, partying it up and livin it down... but here I am partying it down and livin it up. I'm insanely in love, and i should be happy because of that but things are so damn confusing sometimes. David isn't always the boy that I thought he was. He scares me sometimes. He's losing himself in his problems, and I'm trying as hard as I can but with everything I have going I don't know how to help him. He's consumed me, and I'm not sure how I can dig myself out without hurting him. I dont' ever want to lose him. He's the only boy that I can picture myself with 10, 20, 30, 40, even 50 years down the road. I wanna be with him forever, but I don't want him to be the only thing I am. I want to have time for my friends, time for myself, time to just write like I am right now, but with him off work I can't seem to do that. I never thought I'd get sick of him being here everyday, but here I am. and I don't know how to deal with it because it's not just that he comes here, it's that I go to him. He calls and says he's having a bad day and the first thing I want to do is go to him and make him feel better no matter how much money and gas I'm wasting that I don't have in the process. I want to get to him and fix everything. I want to lay next to him and hold him and get up at an ungodly hour just so I can get back to campus in time for my class. I want to ignore all my friends and all the plans that I might have made so that I can just see him, even if it's only for 10 minutes. i don't want to go out there, i don't want to waste money i don't have, i don't want to leave stacie here after she like passed out and has been in the emergency room all day. I don't want to run to him every single time he mentions that he wants to see me, but at the same time it's all i want. I know that how ever many years down the road i won't have most of these friends, and he'll still be there. He'll always be there. But I shouldn't go out there. I shouldn't, but I will. I will, but I shouldn't. It's killing me to think all these things out, to think these thoughts and not tell him, and I will end up telling him. Things have to start to change and they have to start to change now. I don't want to drive out to luna pier only to be sitting at adam's house watching them all get high. I'm not gonna sit there and watch david smoke away his troubles. I'm not going to drive all the way out there just to have sex until we eventually pass out and go to sleep. everyday shouldn't have to be like that. I realize that neither of us has money, but just once I want him o surprise me with an awesomely random and inexpensive treat. I'm sitting here dreaming of the surprises i can bring him tonight... already knowing that I will be there. God... love is so amazingly contradictory.

call, leave a message
the dial tone isn't working
but your voice carries
i'll hear every single word
leave the voicemail unlistened
save it for later review
i'm a thousand miles away, but only ten
and amazingly i can still smell you
you drift to me miraculously
because you're scent is still on my pillow
wash it, rinse it, dry it, repeat
you're still there
mocking my attempts to wash you away
funny how i can't make you disappear
when the last thing you wanted was to stay.

i love that i can still do this, but am i losing steam... have i lost some of my ability because i've fallen in love. is it enough to matter, enough to want back? will i ever know?

Monday, January 9, 2006

falling in love so rapidly and so completely has changed me to an extent that I never really realized anything ever could. It sounds so cliche because so many movies have quoted the exact line I'm about to in about a thousand different ways and in a thousand different situations. Being in love makes me want to do things that I have NEVER wanted to do before. He's made me realize all these dreams that maybe I had, but never knew I had until now. I want to be kissed in the rain, and make love in the sea. I want to lay in his arms and watch the sunset and roll around in the sand. I want to go completely crazy and skinny dip in a pool that we have to break into. Sure movies have given me these dreams too, they've given me the ideas at least, but David... he's given me the desire to actually do them. Nothing scares me when I'm with him. I don't care if I can get caught, or how much trouble I can get into if we do I just want to be with him everywhere. I want to sit on the edge of the roof of a building with our legs dangling off and tell him every single minute detail about myself that he doesn't already know. I want him to know that I had an imaginary friend when I was younger, whose name I can't remember, but that was the same as every single doll I ever owned. I want him to know that I lie a lot, and it's not because it's a compulsive thing, but it's because I get bored. He's just gotten so far inside that I'm not sure what to do or where to go next. Nothing is ever enough, nothing ever will be. I want to take bubble baths with him, and long steamy showers. I wanna make love in a hot tub, and have sex in the forest... and yes I know the difference between making love and having sex. I want to know every inch of him, and I want him to know every inch of me. God I don't even have anymore words to explain the extent of how he's changed me. It's not an obsession either. I mean yes, I love being with him and it literally kills me to be away from him... but it's because of the awesome person he is, and how great he treats me and how perfect we are for each other. I never would have figured that I'd find the love of my life literally living next door to me, but I did. he popped up and completely sent my life into a whirlwind of events that have led me here... to perfect and absolute happiness in love. He loves me, and with every ounce of myself I love him back. I love him so much that being away from him for one night has caused me to do crazy things. Crazy things that I see in sappy love movies that I always make fun of. I'm wearing one of his t-shirts just because it feels like him, and I'm cuddling up with the teddy bear he got me for christmas, and I'm kissing it goodnight because I can't kiss him. I have pictures of us duct-taped to the wall next to my head and I talk to him at least 3 times a day... the last of which last night ended in one of those "no you hang up" conversations that only led my roommate to make fun of me for 10 straight minutes. I couldn't make my smile go away though. I just love him so much that I'm not sure what to do with myself. I can't wait two more days to see him, and I know for sure that he'll be over here way before then because he feels exactly the same way. God I love this.

Hopelessly in love,