Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Defining Love in Longwinded Verses

I swear I may be the only person left in this world that holds love to such a high degree of importance. I feel as if I don't breathe correctly without him. I feel as if the last month and a half has not even existed, like my life was put on hold and nothing I did matters or even happened. Without him, the world was dark, and I was not me. Nothing made any kind of logical sense, it just was. And it was impermanent. I knew from the second that my world fell apart and he left me begging and crying for him, that this would not last for the rest of my days. I let the love of my life walk away from me. I let him run, full fledged and faster than I could ever imagine keeping up with, away from me. And I did this only because I know the power of love, and I knew that he loved me. I knew that one day he would wake up and realize that he was missing something, and that that something was me. Some would probably say that I didn't know this, that I merely hoped it, but I stand firm in my belief that I did know. If I had not, I probably would not have survived this. In hindsight I'm surprised that I did survive, because for a month and a half I did not breathe. He was my air, and he was nowhere to be found. I'm still a diehard believer in love now, maybe more so seeing the recent events unfold in front of my eyes. The world brightened, and there he was, standing there with that smile and tears in his eyes. The man that I lost long before he ever ran away was suddenly standing before me again with arms wide open and opportunities up his sleeve. Did I want him back? Would I accept him? Hadn't I always?

And so we begin again. A new slate, or maybe just a clean yet partially tarnished used one. We will move on from this still hurting and a little bruised from our time apart. But we will try again, if only for the sake of trying. I need him in my life, I want him in my life, and nothing will stop me again. The ultimate question remains: Is love ever enough? God I hope so.

Love is a concept that I'm not sure I will ever justly define. It's a feeling that you get deep down inside for a person that changes you. It rearranges all the little compartments in your heart until you realize that not even one would be quite perfect without that person in your life. There would be holes everywhere, and no reparations could fix it completely. Love hurts more than anything else in the world, it tears you to pieces and stomps on the shards left on the floor. It also makes every second of that torture worth it. Love is the be all and end all of life. Without it, there is no life. Maybe I'm the only person on earth gullible enough to go there, but I believe that love is the only thing in this world that can save us. Unfortunately, it can kill us just as easily. I'd rip my heart out and give it to him, and I may already have.

So here's to love, and ripping our hearts out to give it meaning,


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Ruling or being ruled?

How amazing it must be to know your place in this intricately complicated world that we live in. I have to wonder if anyone really KNOWS their place though. Sometimes we think we have the entire picture figured out. There are no hazy edges or blurry spots that can be misinterpreted, and then suddenly the pictures fades, changes, rearranges, and spews forth a blurry mess we can no more decipher than we can like it. And we must unravel the mess all over again, we must figure it all out and hope to god the same thing does not happen again. This is what life is like when you let it rule you.