Friday, November 11, 2005

What is it about love that makes it so damn complicated? I thought I had it all figured out but here I am sitting just as confused, or maybe more so, than I used to be. I found David, and I fought for him. I damn near lost my best friends and everything that I knew because of it. I almost gave up everything to be with him. I didn’t do it to defy the norm, or even to just have what someone else wanted. I did it because for some strange reason, I felt like it was right, like nothing would ever be more right. Me and TJ had danced around love for as long as we’d been friends, but it wasn’t taking me anywhere but down. It was hurting, and even though I didn’t think I’d ever be able to, I let him go. I let his love go. I haven’t seen him in over a year now, or even hung out with him in almost two now. And somehow we’re still friends. And after all this time apart, and me finding love and grasping on so tightly, here we are dancing around it again. I love David. I’ve never felt the way I do for him with anyone else. It’s comfortable with him to a degree that I never imagined I’d ever reach. I hate the fact that one conversation with TJ could make me think the thoughts that I am right now. It’s fucking ridiculous. But no matter how much I don’t want it to be it’s there, somewhere deep and buried. There is a part of me that is still in love with TJ, a part of me that wants very badly to believe that it could somehow work out, a part of me that still wants to fix him. He’s more broken now. He’s in pieces, and I want to finish that puzzle. And that scares me, because up until today, I haven’t second thought my relationship with David even once. He’s everything TJ ever was to me, and surprisingly he feels something too. He loves me too. It isn’t one sided, or full of half truths and bitter lies. There aren’t secrets, not until today. I didn’t fall in love with him because he was broken. I didn’t fall for him because I wanted a challenge of some sort. I fell for all the small things. I fell for the fact that he gets me a glass of ice water before I go to bed each night because he knows that I can’t sleep without just knowing it’s there. I fell for the cop sunglasses and the fact that no matter how goofy they were, they looked good on him. I fell for the way he goes over and plays video games and plays in the yard with his little brothers that are less than half his age. I fell for the guy that knows I hate mustard and keeps a distance when he’s eating it because he loves it so much. Everything’s so small, like the way he touches my back when we’re walking in public like he has to show the world I’m his, or the way that he touches me constantly while I’m driving just for comfort I guess. I love how when he’s sleeping he pulls me close without even realizing it and kisses me on the forehead. I love the fact that every time ‘sugar, we’re goin’ down’ comes on he has to do Pete’s salute during the “friction in your jeans” lyrics. I like the way he teases me, and tickles me, and holds me down and tells me he won’t ever let go. I like how he tells me he loves me every 5 minutes, even though it does get annoying sometimes. I never had any of this with TJ. All I had were questions on top of questions. That’s all I have still. He messes with my head and makes me feel horribly incapable of helping him. He confuses the hell out of me and I don’t like it. I hate it. But no matter how much it hurts, or how much I hate it or wish it would just fade away, I can’t let go of the notion that we’d be great together, that I could, somehow in the future, fix him. That I could make him happy. That’s all I want really, for him to be as happy as I am when I look into David’s eyes. I mean I guess I always knew TJ would be there, deep and buried in my heart, but I thought I had gotten past it. I thought we could be friends, but maybe we can’t. Maybe he’s the boy that I’m destined to always love, but never end up with in the end. It wouldn’t ever work out, not realistically. Not that reality was anything I ever let limit me, though. He was my first love, my first real heartbreak, my first real loss. I never even kissed the boy, but that boy changed me, forever. I have to let go once and for all now. I am in love with David and it shouldn’t matter if TJ’s coming around or not now, it’s not something I should care about. So why, all of a sudden, when I look into David’s face do I want it to be TJ staring back at me? I’m scaring myself.

if love were easy, we'd wouldn't fight so hard for it,