Wednesday, January 23, 2013

My personal airport musical, if only the performers could see themselves now.

Have you ever felt as if you were removed from the world around you; as if you were part of a one person audience simply watching the world unfold around you?  You could watch, but you could not join the masses.  Arriving to the airport today, I experienced just this. 

Order exists in this small subenvironment that does not exist outside it.  I arrive, a part of the masses following the clearly defined security route to my terminal and specified gate.  Although I am among these people, I do not feel part of their world.  There is some separation between them and I; some invisible barrier that clearly defines our separate paths.  Feeling this, I withdraw, succumbing to an isolation I have become comfortable with.  The world has never been something that I could comfortably bear, those around me creating pressures and disturbances that were just too much for me to handle being a part of.  So maybe, in truth, I am the reason I do not belong.  Maybe I am the reason I simply watch from the sidelines as the world continues on in front of me, but not entirely with me.

And as these thoughts begin to overcome me, I choose to turn it off.  I intend to put these headphones over my ears and shut my eyes so tightly that it disappears completely, but as the chaos around me is silenced and the beat of my music pumps through my ears, i cannot help but wonder at the silent movement of those around me.  They move, but cannot shuffle.  They rush, but cannot clamber.  Normal sounds are muffled, and without them everything gains a grace it could not before.  It becomes a world that I can tolerate, even imagine myself within.  

I have an irrational thought that the people surrounding me are trapped within a musical, unconsciously waiting for the perfect moment to burst into song, or begin dancing in the middle of this crowded airport.  Some even seem to move in sync with the pound of the drums, appear to gyrate in sync to the guitar.  A man on his cell phone could even be mouthing the lyrics.  But there is no sound, except for the band that only I can hear.

And I'm the only one watching such an awe-inspiring performance, drinking in each perfect second. I cannot help but wonder how to join them, how to find such synchronicity and grace in this world.  Can it even exist, though, outside of these headphones and the walls of this small airport?  When people are not confined to an order such as this one, will they act the same?  Will I still want to live among them?  The questions go on and on and again I feel as if I might drown in it.  And even though I want to savor every moment of this performance, I again close my eyes tightly and wish it all away.  Hoping to find that when I open them again that it has not changed.

And in solitude I pray for the day that I too can live within my own version of that life, where I can be comfortable knowing that I am not alone anymore, and happiness is only one track away.