feeling a little lonely
feeling a little left behind
they're laughin, they're partying
she tries to act like she don't mind

but she's feeling lonely, a little too much
and she's feeling loved, a little too little
she's stretching those fingers for their hands
but they refuse to meet her in the middle.

so i think i figured out exactly why i've done what i've done in the past. i fucked up every single friendship i ever had... i never did it on purpose, or thought I did anyway. I just would always do something or let something get to me so much that it was impossible to look at those people the same. lately it's not like that though, i'm not disappointed in people or reading too far into their flaws... i'm fucking it up. i'm doing things i know will ruin it all because i know i am going to be left behind and i figure if they have a reason to leave me maybe it won't hurt so bad. it won't just be like they don't care about me, it'll be like they can't care. i'm so angry at my friends for moving away that i have to jeopardize all the years we've been building these awesome friendships just so i can feel like i deserve to be left. that's why i'm still doing shit with the guy that almost broke my best friend and me apart...that's why i'm not calling some people, or why i'm talking behind their backs knowing that one day they'll find out. i'm bitter, and i need to stop. i need to realize that everyone has to grow up... they have to follow their dreams, and sometimes even their family across the country. they aren't doing it to hurt me. they aren't leaving me behind because they don't love me... it's just life. and i know all of this. i'm not stupid, i know that, but it hurts so bad sometimes that i convince myself that i'm to blame...that i wasn't ever enough. cause really was i?

his eyes are barely locked
but she tries to make them waver
she shakes and she shivers
hoping he still wants her.

they're doin a crazy dance
knowing it's out out of tune
but she's singing off key
Hoping he'll notice her soon.

she's fucking up with reason
she's bound to get caught in time
she'll get what she wants out of it
If she can balance his blurry lines.


Life gets crazy sometimes, but I think when your a senior and just out of highschool trying to live your summer up for all it's worth, you don't really notice. I mean you party whenever you can... you have exactly 3 months of summer before you leave everything you know behind. You almost have to go a little overboard to make it worth it. But one day you wake up and have to wonder if you shouldn't be doing it. It never crosses your mind to stop, but you have to sit and wonder for at least 30 seconds if you shouldn't slow down a bit. It's not like you have a problem, your just doing too much to have fun. you are becoming a different person without even knowing it. you get more open, more trusting, more careless. you get hurt a lot easier. things hit you a lot harder. because when you wake up in the morning, okay maybe afternoon, after a night of partying you just have this guilt... or maybe you just don't remember anything...and it hurts for a while. who did you fuck over? what secrets did you let loose? We never stop though... we think maybe we should, but we don't. because it's fun and it's freeing. and freedom is the american way.

drink yourself sober, you'll never feel a thing,
Jenny

darkness covering blind desires
the lights are low and covers drawn
he's holding tight to false hopes
that she'll come back with the dawn

but she's holding on to secrets
that she can't quite pay the cost
she wants to wander back to him
but she's a little too lost

she wants to believe she can hide him
but love and lies are not her specialty
she can't hide such an obvious betrayal
those praying eyes are bound to see.

it's the one struggle I have never had to deal with...until now that is. to be caught between a boy and a best friend, it's earthshattering. there are so many emotions and so few answers. i cannot betray my best friend. not after all the years she has been there through the laughs and tears and struggles and heartaches. but i can't help but want him. i love the attention he pays me and the way i shiver whenever his hand brushes my stomach or my shoulder. i love the way he wants to hold my hand. it's intoxicating. it's addictive and i can't stop myself sometimes. i know he's not right for me, but it doesn't stop my wanting him so badly. i don't care that he has baggage and could break up the most meaningful friendship i've ever had. i don't care that he can't possibly be this caring and completely commitable boy he paints the picture of being when we're alone. i just want things to work out perfectly... just once. but it can't. because no boy is worth the pain i felt for the 24 hours my best friend couldn't even look at me. i wish i could convince myself of that when his hands are snaking their way to making me shiver though.

the train is almost home
but it's falling off the tracks
we all know where it's headed
and wish it wasn't going back.

the windows rattle, shake and groan
we're not sure we're gonna make it home
but it was never a home, it's true
no, not without you

we spend our entire lives trying to be someone that we're not. our entire lives...we try to be someone that is pretty, smart, and nice. nine times out of ten we are not that person. i'm not that person. i realized this when i could hurt my best friend in the entire world. we try to be perfect human beings, but it's just not possible. we will hurt people, we will always hurt them. and in the process we will hurt ourselves too, because one day we all wake up and realize that we're not pretty, and we're not smart, and we're not nice. we're just people living our lives...we'll make mistakes and fuck over people that we love. and sometimes there's no coming back from that. sometimes it's just over.

So here we are again
halfway off the edge it seems
my thread has long since broke
and I'm hangin on by a splinter.


hmm so I guess I should introduce myself. I'm jenny. this is my blog/journal/diary whatever the hell you'd like to call it. It's all the randomness that is me, so deal with it. It is what it is.

love and live and leave,
jenny