Monday, June 20, 2011

making bad decisions in the form of overthinking

And the rollercoaster begins anew, as life repeats because we're through. We are disastrous together, completely wrong for each other. If we were to continue this little dance that we have been doing for months, i fear that the world would literally implode. Do I love you? absolutely. Do i miss you? More than anything in the world, or anyone before you. Is it enough? never was. I'm terrified. I've picked up my entire life, and i've made changes that I have never had the guts to before. I made decisions for ME, not for him, or for anyone else, but for me. Unfortunately, this time the situation is not poetic. i have nothing amazing to say, nothing intriguing or alluring. I am simply me... the girl that hasn't worn makeup for a week, or even done anything to my hair. The girl that is deadset on the fact that this time life will be different, decisions will be different, and yet i'm doing the same exact things. I'm falling into my own traps again, and again i don't care. I want a guy that thinks I'm beautiful without the thrills this time. I want a guy that loves me for me, that loves my family, and wants to know my friends. i want a guy that wants to be in my life, and would go to the ends of the earth to have me in his. is that so much to ask? and yet somehow I don't want anyone but him. Another him. We're not going to name names here, because I'd embarrass myself with how many I'd have to label. He is the one i cannot let go of. The one who always captures my attention from across the room. The one who's family considers me theirs even though I can barely recall any of their names. Good people. That's the only way to describe them. and he's the boy that never wants to grow up. I fell in love with the man that I know he can and will be someday, but unfortunately he's still the boy that refuses to be him. or to love me. I must be careful with that one, because he has my heart wrapped around his finger and he doesn't even know how much he affects me. I wish just one day he could see himself through my eyes... that anyone could.
So I wonder now how I move on with my life as a single woman. Do I jump full force into the world and allow what will happen to happen? Or do i stand back and watch from afar? Do I watch my life unfold or do I live it? I want to live it, but I'm afraid where that would lead me.
Making bad decisions in the form of overthinking,