Her mind goes back to the same place every time she sits down to think. She is somehow transported to this place...this place that to her knowledge does not exist in the world not the real world anyway. The place overtakes her. So competely that she can smell the air. She can feel the breeze and run her fingers through the grass. She can breathe the place in...and it is refreshing. Refreshing like only this place could ever be or ever has been. It travels to her soul and through her veins to her heart. She breathes him back in...here. Because this is the only place he can exist now...for her.

In no other place do they exist together except for here. They never have. And her heart knows it but yet she tries to believe it anyway...that she can steal him away from this special place.

And so here I am buried in a pit if loneliness...I never thought that I would be that girl. The one that watches the girly movies and cries her eyes out before its even over. I'm not the girl that needs a boy. But I am the girl that needs him.even as I say this I wonder who I refer to by saying that. I wonder who it is that my heart aches to have back. He will always be the one that I cannot have I fear. The best friend...the could have been. The I will always love you but I'm not in love with you kind of thing. The dagger of all daggers. The love that never would have lived up to the idea about it in my head. He never was that guy or wanted to be or ever can be that guy again. So I'm stuck waiting and missing an illusion. an illusion that I fear to let go of because if I'm not waiting for him...what am I doing? And what if he chooses that moment to return? If I give up on the improbable do I then stop believing in the impossible? And I'd I do that have I lost myself in the process? Have I lost that amazing ability to believe in anything and to stop at nothing?

The loneliness permeates my world as if attacking full force. It is impossible to ignore. And so I look for comfort wherever I can find it...hoping someday it will simply appear in the bed I choose to share each night with whatever boy deemed me worthy for the evening. If any.and I hate myself more everytime I end up here or there.because I'd rather find comfort in being alone than revulsion at the thought of never being able to do so

Ramblings of a Wannabe Writer Commence

just some ramblings from trying to get back into the swing of writing again:

The creek where they grew up beckons tirelessly because he no longer answers the call. She's been waiting there hoping for something better than her life has to offer now, someone better. Someone that's like him, but not him. She needs a gentle soul that doesn't know who she is or what she's been through. Someone that doesn't see how tainted she is, how different she was back then. Someone that looks like him and smells like him and treats her the way he used to. Because he's not that guy anymore.

This place calms her like no other. The smell that permeates this meadow is indescribable. It brings her back to a better time, to a simpler time. The illusion is intoxicating. The idea that she can stay in this place forever crosses her mind as she sits. She could simply let the creek overtake her, let the water run through her veins until her heart no longer beats for him. It would be easy to allow this place to have her. Because if he does not want her, this may be the only other place that does.

and here it is september again
it's like no time has passed at all
the wounds are just as fresh today
and the tears they want to fall.

it's been eleven years this time
its crazy so much time has passed
it seems like just yesterday
we knew the day was our last.

the world is so different
life is almost too hard without you
i need you to confort me, to laugh with me
but those days are definitely through.

I can still see your smile in my mind
I can almost hear your voice, smell your cologne,
almost is too much for me sometimes
I feel so devastatingly alone.

Call me from heaven
God must at least have a phone
I want to see you, to hear you, ask you
I have too many questions ________?