And so here I am buried in a pit if loneliness...I never thought that I would be that girl. The one that watches the girly movies and cries her eyes out before its even over. I'm not the girl that needs a boy. But I am the girl that needs him.even as I say this I wonder who I refer to by saying that. I wonder who it is that my heart aches to have back. He will always be the one that I cannot have I fear. The best friend...the could have been. The I will always love you but I'm not in love with you kind of thing. The dagger of all daggers. The love that never would have lived up to the idea about it in my head. He never was that guy or wanted to be or ever can be that guy again. So I'm stuck waiting and missing an illusion. an illusion that I fear to let go of because if I'm not waiting for him...what am I doing? And what if he chooses that moment to return? If I give up on the improbable do I then stop believing in the impossible? And I'd I do that have I lost myself in the process? Have I lost that amazing ability to believe in anything and to stop at nothing?

The loneliness permeates my world as if attacking full force. It is impossible to ignore. And so I look for comfort wherever I can find it...hoping someday it will simply appear in the bed I choose to share each night with whatever boy deemed me worthy for the evening. If any.and I hate myself more everytime I end up here or there.because I'd rather find comfort in being alone than revulsion at the thought of never being able to do so