It's one of those days. Not again, though, just still. I'm stuck in this place where I don't know where to go and I don't know what to feel. I don't even know if I can justly explain the emotions swirling inside my heart. Maybe that's my problem. My emotion has settled inside my heart, and my head can't make sense of it. My heart and head are unattached, growing still, but separately. My heart's growth seems to be stunted, a step behind everything my brain and body is telling it to do. The step is more like a mile. A milestone. A moment in time, I can't get past.
If there's a song that describes this state of
mind I can't place what it is, who sang it, or when I heard it. I know
it exists though. There is a song that I want blast from my car radio
driving down the highway without a destination. There's a song out
there that I know would tell me exactly where to go right now. And I
can't past the feeling that I just want to get away. Anywhere but here,
never seemed so true as in this moment. Everytime I'm in my car
driving, I have to stifle the feeling to just keep driving. I've never
been here before. I've never needed to just escape everyone and
everything. And I'm not sure that it is that drastic. Maybe I just
need a break. From life.
I just want to get in the car with my
boyfriend and never stop driving until I end up somewhere and know
exactly why I started driving in the first place. There is a place, out
there somewhere. It's a place where I'll feel again. It's a place
where my heart can heal, and my head will finally clear. It's out
there. I feel it. It's humming in the back of my head, it's drawing me
nearer to the edge everyday. Do I jump? Do I drive?
hardest part of the journey of life, knowing when to silence those
feelings, and when to follow them wherever they may lead. I think I
just need to drop everything and not look back this time.
biggest fear is that when I actually get to this place, when i follow my
heart ignoring the consequences, that I'll end up in a land far darker
and harder to navigate than the one I'm in now. I'm afraid I'll get all
my answers, and it's all the things I never wanted to hear. I know
what I'm searching for, and I know what I'm hoping for, but the truth
is... no matter where I end up, he's not going to be there when I
He's not going to be standing on the edge of some nameless
town, pointing to the reason I've been driving for hours, days, more
precisely years. He won't be driving next to us on the highway, no
matter how broken down or how disgustingly maroon that Chevy truck is.
That long haired man with the ballcap and flannel shirt on isn't him.
And it won't be his driveway we break down in. Because someone else is
driving his faithful truck with his smell still embedded in every inch
of the interior. Someone else is sleeping in his bed. Someone else
parks in his driveway. Someone else's kids curl up in those bedrooms. I
know where he isn't. And as much as I don't want to admit it, I know
where he is as well.
It's cold there, and dark, and bottomless.
And the fact that it slices a dagger through my heart to enter a world
where this place is a reality, isn't fair. If memories could kill, I
would be in critical condition.
Does he know? Can he see? is it
his voice in my head urging me to just drive? and if it is, what is he
trying to tell me find? I can't make myself believe that it's him.
but i can't turn the thoughts off. My brain won't stop.
sleep anymore. he's everywhere. he's everything. He's every reason I
ever ration. he's overtaking, and it hurts. it just hurts. which
makes me want to run. That used to be my answer to everything, just run
away, leave it all behind. Don't even pack a bag, just go, and when
you get there you'll know. You can build your life back together, and
everything will be okay, but for some reason I can't even make myself
believe that. Everything will not be okay, ever. I cant save myself
but i can run...
...someone catch me,