Monday, April 16, 2007

Running Away, or simply being run over?

It's one of those days.  Not again, though, just still.  I'm stuck in this place where I don't know where to go and I don't know what to feel.  I don't even know if I can justly explain the emotions swirling inside my heart.  Maybe that's my problem.  My emotion has settled inside my heart, and my head can't make sense of it.  My heart and head are unattached, growing still, but separately.  My heart's growth seems to be stunted, a step behind everything my brain and body is telling it to do.  The step is more like a mile.  A milestone.  A moment in time, I can't get past.
If there's a song that describes this state of mind I can't place what it is, who sang it, or when I heard it.  I know it exists though.  There is a song that I want blast from my car radio driving down the highway without a destination.  There's a song out there that I know would tell me exactly where to go right now.  And I can't past the feeling that I just want to get away.  Anywhere but here, never seemed so true as in this moment.  Everytime I'm in my car driving, I have to stifle the feeling to just keep driving.  I've never been here before.  I've never needed to just escape everyone and everything.  And I'm not sure that it is that drastic.  Maybe I just need a break.  From life. 
 I just want to get in the car with my boyfriend and never stop driving until I end up somewhere and know exactly why I started driving in the first place.  There is a place, out there somewhere.  It's a place where I'll feel again.  It's a place where my heart can heal, and my head will finally clear.  It's out there.  I feel it.  It's humming in the back of my head, it's drawing me nearer to the edge everyday.  Do I jump?  Do I drive?
 That's the hardest part of the journey of life, knowing when to silence those feelings, and when to follow them wherever they may lead.  I think I just need to drop everything and not look back this time. 
 My biggest fear is that when I actually get to this place, when i follow my heart ignoring the consequences, that I'll end up in a land far darker and harder to navigate than the one I'm in now.  I'm afraid I'll get all my answers, and it's all the things I never wanted to hear.  I know what I'm searching for, and I know what I'm hoping for, but the truth is... no matter where I end up, he's not going to be there when I arrive.
He's not going to be standing on the edge of some nameless town, pointing to the reason I've been driving for hours, days, more precisely years.  He won't be driving next to us on the highway, no matter how broken down or how disgustingly maroon that Chevy truck is.  That long haired man with the ballcap and  flannel shirt on isn't him.  And it won't be his driveway we break down in.  Because someone else is driving his faithful truck with his smell still embedded in every inch of the interior.  Someone else is sleeping in his bed.  Someone else parks in his driveway.  Someone else's kids curl up in those bedrooms.  I know where he isn't.  And as much as I don't want to admit it, I know where he is as well.
 It's cold there, and dark, and bottomless.  And the fact that it slices a dagger through my heart to enter a world where this place is a reality, isn't fair.  If memories could kill, I would be in critical condition.
 Does he know?  Can he see?  is it his voice in my head urging me to just drive?  and if it is, what is he trying to tell me find?  I can't make myself believe that it's him.  but i can't turn the thoughts off.  My brain won't stop.
 I can't sleep anymore.  he's everywhere.  he's everything.  He's every reason I ever ration.  he's overtaking, and it hurts.  it just hurts.  which makes me want to run.  That used to be my answer to everything, just run away, leave it all behind.  Don't even pack a bag, just go, and when you get there you'll know.  You can build your life back together, and everything will be okay, but for some reason I can't even make myself believe that.  Everything will not be okay, ever.  I cant save myself
 but i can run...

...someone catch me,
Jenny Leigh