Friday, November 11, 2005

What is it about love that makes it so damn complicated? I thought I had it all figured out but here I am sitting just as confused, or maybe more so, than I used to be. I found David, and I fought for him. I damn near lost my best friends and everything that I knew because of it. I almost gave up everything to be with him. I didn’t do it to defy the norm, or even to just have what someone else wanted. I did it because for some strange reason, I felt like it was right, like nothing would ever be more right. Me and TJ had danced around love for as long as we’d been friends, but it wasn’t taking me anywhere but down. It was hurting, and even though I didn’t think I’d ever be able to, I let him go. I let his love go. I haven’t seen him in over a year now, or even hung out with him in almost two now. And somehow we’re still friends. And after all this time apart, and me finding love and grasping on so tightly, here we are dancing around it again. I love David. I’ve never felt the way I do for him with anyone else. It’s comfortable with him to a degree that I never imagined I’d ever reach. I hate the fact that one conversation with TJ could make me think the thoughts that I am right now. It’s fucking ridiculous. But no matter how much I don’t want it to be it’s there, somewhere deep and buried. There is a part of me that is still in love with TJ, a part of me that wants very badly to believe that it could somehow work out, a part of me that still wants to fix him. He’s more broken now. He’s in pieces, and I want to finish that puzzle. And that scares me, because up until today, I haven’t second thought my relationship with David even once. He’s everything TJ ever was to me, and surprisingly he feels something too. He loves me too. It isn’t one sided, or full of half truths and bitter lies. There aren’t secrets, not until today. I didn’t fall in love with him because he was broken. I didn’t fall for him because I wanted a challenge of some sort. I fell for all the small things. I fell for the fact that he gets me a glass of ice water before I go to bed each night because he knows that I can’t sleep without just knowing it’s there. I fell for the cop sunglasses and the fact that no matter how goofy they were, they looked good on him. I fell for the way he goes over and plays video games and plays in the yard with his little brothers that are less than half his age. I fell for the guy that knows I hate mustard and keeps a distance when he’s eating it because he loves it so much. Everything’s so small, like the way he touches my back when we’re walking in public like he has to show the world I’m his, or the way that he touches me constantly while I’m driving just for comfort I guess. I love how when he’s sleeping he pulls me close without even realizing it and kisses me on the forehead. I love the fact that every time ‘sugar, we’re goin’ down’ comes on he has to do Pete’s salute during the “friction in your jeans” lyrics. I like the way he teases me, and tickles me, and holds me down and tells me he won’t ever let go. I like how he tells me he loves me every 5 minutes, even though it does get annoying sometimes. I never had any of this with TJ. All I had were questions on top of questions. That’s all I have still. He messes with my head and makes me feel horribly incapable of helping him. He confuses the hell out of me and I don’t like it. I hate it. But no matter how much it hurts, or how much I hate it or wish it would just fade away, I can’t let go of the notion that we’d be great together, that I could, somehow in the future, fix him. That I could make him happy. That’s all I want really, for him to be as happy as I am when I look into David’s eyes. I mean I guess I always knew TJ would be there, deep and buried in my heart, but I thought I had gotten past it. I thought we could be friends, but maybe we can’t. Maybe he’s the boy that I’m destined to always love, but never end up with in the end. It wouldn’t ever work out, not realistically. Not that reality was anything I ever let limit me, though. He was my first love, my first real heartbreak, my first real loss. I never even kissed the boy, but that boy changed me, forever. I have to let go once and for all now. I am in love with David and it shouldn’t matter if TJ’s coming around or not now, it’s not something I should care about. So why, all of a sudden, when I look into David’s face do I want it to be TJ staring back at me? I’m scaring myself.

if love were easy, we'd wouldn't fight so hard for it,

Monday, September 19, 2005

Do you ever hit a point where you feel like you've done all you can to try to fix a situation, and you just have to give up? Where is the point where you just say enough is enough? I've been paying for my mistakes for a long time now. I've apologized a thousand times. I've given in a thousand times. I've given up almost everything so I could keep my two best friends in the world and it got me nowhere. I was the only one trying to fix anything. They never wanted it fixed, and to be honest I knew that from day one. I woke up next to David that first time and I knew for sure that everything was over between me Jessi and Puddy. I knew there was no coming back from it... but I still had to try, because that's what best friendship means. It means that you don't just give up or give in or accept the fact that the years you've been together mean nothing. I tried my hardest to do any and everything in my power to get her back... to make her forgive me... to make up for all that i had done wrong. And I did. We were fine, until she decided she wanted to be cruel. Somewhere in there things changed dramatically... the person that I thought was my best friend took a sharp turn and turned into a person that I completely did not know. Someone that maybe I couldn't ever love. She was cruel and sadistic and only brought me up to put me a little farther down. She said and did things to me that I would never have considered... that I still wouldn't consider even after all she has done and said to me. She brutalized me mind, body, and soul. She made me question myself... question if I deserved her, if I deserved anyone. Friends don't do that. It doesn't matter how much I hurt her... friends don't make friends second guess their self worth. So ya, maybe i fucked up, and maybe I did a lot of things I never should of, but she stopped being my friend a long time before I ever gave up trying to be hers. I'm only realizing this now, but she was stringing me along just for sheer entertainment. She needed someone to blame things on, someone to point to and laugh at when the days got monotonous. She can blame me all she wants for the fact that she's off in california by herself hating her life... but i never wanted her to go. it was her choice. she got on that plane and she flew 2000 miles away from everything she knew knowing full well what she was leaving behind. and now i'm getting blamed for the fact that i'm still here and i can still hang out with everyone... when most of them are my family. she wouldn't even know them if it wasn't for me... she never would have gotten close to them or hung out with them at all... and i shouldn't be able to now just becuase she chose to leave and is pissed that i stayed? was i supposed to force her to stay? or go with her? neither one of those things is even possible. i can't change the fact that i fucked up... but i can change the fact that i have to deal with the consequences everyday. i don't need to wake up dreading the fact that i might have to make more excuses or prove myself more that day. I don't need to keep getting put down and stepped on. I'm human, i made a mistake and i'm paying for it... but i'm not okay with paying the price for the rest of my life... and my self confidence and happiness is too large a cost. Do i love her? ya i used to. i loved the jessi that would stand by me no matter what. i loved the jessi that was at my house everyday and referred to my room as "ours". I loved the jessi that wasn't afraid to tell me what she thought or hide anything from me. i don't love this jessi that's hellbent on destroying me. there has always been this quote that i disagreed with wholeheartedly that says that some friendships have to end... that maybe theres a reason for it. I get it now. Maybe our friendship has to end in order for us both to lead happy fulfilled lives. Maybe in order for me to be able to be in love I have to let her go... and maybe it's the same for her. Maybe to experience love separate from the kind she might have had with david she has to let me go. I'm only a reminder of what she "lost". we've been together for years and we grew up side by side learning the same lessons... but here's where the road forks. I'm learning how to love, and she's learning how to deal with losing love. We can't do it together anymore... we just can't. And so i'm cutting all ties. I'm not trying anymore, as bad as that sounds. I always said that I'd never consciously let a friendship go, but I never thought in a million years that it would damage me this much. I never thought I'd have to choose between myself and my friends... but here I am just the same. I'm choosing myself. I have to... there comes a point in everyone's life where they have to step back and take care of themselves. i'm broken and if i don't fix myself fast... i'm not sure i'll be able to be fixed at all.

friendships aren't unsinkable after all,

Thursday, September 8, 2005

I'm not sure I can even explain what i'm feeling right now. It's over. Jessi and I are officially not friends anymore. She's 2000 miles away and she hates me. She hates me for my lies, and my actions, and for the one thing that has actually made my life happy lately. She hates me for the love that I found in a place I should never have been looking in the first place. I never meant to steal David from her, even though she didn't really want him anyway. She liked him, she'd had a semi-relationship with him, not much of one, but still it mattered. I never meant to fall in love with him, but I did. And I can't turn it off or dig myself out of that hole. I thought she'd gotten over it a little bit, but I guess it's just too large of a betrayal. I just don't know what to do, I can't even cry. For the first time in a long time I'm back to my utterly invisible depression. I don't want to do anything. I get up, I go to class, I party, and I hang out with the few friends that I have left, but it's kind of emotionless. It hurts so bad that I just want to shut myself off. Best friends aren't supposed to be this breakable... I never thought in a thousand years that I'd lose her to such a degree. I just don't know what to do. I can't talk to her, I can't change anything. I fucked everything up and there's no going back on anything. There is honestly nothing I can do to fix this. It's so fucking frustrating too... because I need answers. I'm one of those people that believes in second chances... and even third, and fourth, and fifth if they are needed, but she's not. I don't know what to say other than she's being just as selfish as I was when I caused this. I would have done anything for her. I would have ripped my own heart out and told david that I didn't love him even though it was so blindingly obvious to me that I did. But she told me that it was okay. She lied to me. She told me she'd never completely write me off, and that she wouldn't hate me forever for this, but she is. She told me I could do what I wanted if I felt that he was that special to me. And he was. And I told her that, I was completely honest. I told her I had feelings I couldn't explain, or even shut off anymore, and she said it was fine. If I had known back then that it wasn't, that it wouldn't ever be I could have walked away. It would have broken me, and probably David too, but I could have done it. It's not something I can do anymore. I don't know at what point that fact changed, but I'm too far in now. He's my...everything. Jessi doesn't want to be there for me, so he has been, and so he's my best friend now. I have friends... but I don't have a best friend anymore. There's no one I can be completely and brutally honest with anymore. TJ's gone. Puddy's too wrapped up in Jessi's world, so there's just certain things I can't say. Erica's just not always there. Kahla's changed. Allor doesn't always listen or understand. He's my only option, and that's fine with me, but I just can't give that up. Because it's very obvious at this point that I can never be just friends with him. I could have if I didn't know him as deeply as I do now, but I can't now that I see the kind of person he really is rather than the person he wants some people to think he is. I want to be able to say that I'd still do anything for Jessi, that even after she's given up on me and ever trusting or loving me again, I could look past it and still keep up my end of the friendship. But I just can't do it. I never in a thousand years would have said the things she's saying to me to her... I never would have purposely hurt her, and she knows it. I can't keep trying to fix something she so obviously doesn't care about anymore. I can't keep rolling over and taking this kind of stuff all the time. I get hurt too much. I didn't care about it when she still cared a little bit for me, I would have taken it forever, but now that she's decided she's done... well maybe I'm done too. Maybe I don't always have to wait around for people to forgive me, or come back around. Maybe I need to look out for my own heart now and again. Maybe I need to think of myself rather than those around me, because it seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try to be perfect and never step on anyone's toes, it happens anyway. I hurt people anyway. It's my curse and I know it. I'm fucked up, my life is fucked up and there's nothing I'm ever going to be able to do to fix that... I just have to learn to live with the shittiness... I need to learn how to make it great. I need to be able to love, without feeling guilty. I need to be able to laugh, without wondering if I have a right to. I need to be able to just relax for 10 minutes even without thinking of how I can make things up to people. I need to be able to live. It's about time I started... oh shit, this is gonna be something. I'm not sure I know how to do this.

forever fucking over and fucking up,

Sunday, August 28, 2005

nothing lyrical or poetic today
i will simply write all i have to say.

so I just typed out this enormous entry explaining how fucked up love is and how hard of a time i'm having with it and then fucked up and refreshed the window... so here's the venting as closely as I can get it. Love's a funny thing... not funny in the ha ha sense, but more like in the fucked up ironic sense. My entire highschool career I avoided the teenage love thing. Sure, I fell in love with my best friend as all teenagers at one point do, but inevitably it turned into nothing. I think I loved the idea of him more than I ever loved the actual person. And then I thought I was free and clear... I was leaving my hometown without any strings attached and launching myself into the college madness... I was free. But love's a funny thing and it crept in when I wasn't looking or paying attention. It crept between my best friend and I too... and it just wouldn't back off. It grew stronger and stronger with each day... until we get to the present. We started saying I love you a while ago... but I don't think I realized I really meant it until the other day. You see my boyfriend is going to the air force. He is leaving me before this year is even over for 8 months. We haven't even been officially together for a month yet. Can such a young romance withstand that kind of time and distance? I'm not sure. And it scares me to death because the only kind of love i've ever known ends like this. I get left behind. I get left home to cry and wonder why. It's not like I didn't know that it was coming, I always did. He never kept these things from me, but all the same it was never real to me. Until he came home from visiting a base the other day with a smile bigger than I've ever seen on his face, and animatedly told me everything he'd seen and been through that day. It was hard not to burst into tears... because in about 3 minutes my entire life collapsed. I had betrayed my best friend's trust to be with him, almost ruined our friendship, and I'd even come to truly love him and now all of a sudden he was leaving me, and he wasn't even thinking of me. He didn't until I broke down into tears later that night and he forced me to tell him why. He broke down too, I saw him cry for the first time, and even though it was a little thrill that he felt comfortable enough to do it in front of me, it hurt me too. It hurt me that I could make him feel like him doing something with him life and trying to fix everything was wrong. He started telling me that he could change this and change that so he wouldn't have to be gone so long, but I told him I wouldn't let him. I'm not letting him compromise his dreams to be with me. It's not fair to him or his future. I would leave him before I ever let him do that. I feel awful because I kind of ruined everything for him, but I couldn't help it. I don't want him to leave. I'll never outright tell him that, but in my heart I don't think I can go through this again. I can't be the girlfriend waiting at home for news that he's been killed or hurt. I realize that that won't be for a few years... but if I'm in this as deeply as I think I am, we'll still be together in a few years. I can't just wait for news like that again, not after what I went through with my dad. waiting to hear that he'd died almost killed me. And that right there is why i'm terrified to be in love with him. I love him, there's no point in trying to get around that, but am I IN love with him? Can I stay with him? Can I imagine myself marrying him? having kids with him? making him a part of my fucked up little family? The problem is that I can. And it would seriously damage me to lose him at this point. He's my everything. I know it happened fast, and some would say that I'm getting carried away, but everything just works. And he's told me that I mean more to him than any girl ever has, he flat out told me that if I wasn't sure I was in this for the long haul then I needed to tell him now, because if he waited even a day longer he wouldn't survive it. He told me he was in too deep... and I believe him. I think we're both in a little deeper than we can manage, but I can't stop myself. I don't want to, I shouldn't have to.

a little broken, a little blistered, but what's left is still beating,

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

we're chasing our tails
and falling behind
he can't quite keep up
i can't make up my mind.

i want so badly to be happy
but can't quite hold a smile
i wish he'd hold me a little tighter
even for only a little while

gotta give up your destiny
to follow the path you've chose
will it be worth it after everything
please tell me someone knows.

so i've started school and moved into my dorm.... kind of crazy stuff. I've met a bunch of nice people, and had to introduce myself to about 1000 random people that probably have no idea what my name is anymore. it's a weird atmosphere and i'm not really completely comfortable with it yet. Everyone is nice enough, but it's just strange. I love it too's so much freedom. i get to choose when to get up, when to go to bed, if i'm going to come home, where i'll party, and eat and who i'll have over. it's complete freedom... well not complete cuz this place has some fucked up rules but a lot of freedom anyway. i'm hopin it doesn't go to my head.

free to be confused,

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

packing up my boxes so carefully
that i've got creases on my heart
gotta get rid of this feeling
that the end must come before the start.

gotta say goodbye somehow
tell my mother not to worry
can't quite say the words
but my eyes tell the story.

don't wanna let go just yet
but everything is almost gone
it's all be put into motion
can't stop this ride we're on.

so my entire life is going to change in a few days... the entire thing. i'm going to college. i'm moving into a dorm. i'm going to be away from my mother for the first time in my entire life...and i'm going to be away from my friends too. i'm not ready for it, can i honestly do this alone?

exhaustion is a state of mind and i'm there,

Friday, August 12, 2005

mistakes are for fuckups
did i seriously give in
have i lost this game
was there a way i could win?

lose a friendship
gain a sense of love

so i don't even know how to feel right now... i have the best and worst of things happening all at once and i've tried to ignore it as best i could but i just can't anymore. i just can't keep going on knowing that i'm hurting my best friend in the world... knowing that she is going to move across the country and probably hate me for the rest of my life because i stole the boy that she first had sex with. i still can't believe that she's actually leaving. i've known for how long that this was going to happen...but it was never real to me. she was always going but it was always so far in the future and now i'm sitting here realizing that she will be gone in 2 days. 2 days. that seems so final. like the day she leaves it's all going to be over. and i don't want to sound like a pessimist but isn't it? won't it be over once we can't see each other every day or laugh at stupid random shit together? it won't ever be the same again... it can't be. i love her to death and i don't want her to go but i know she has to. gotta run tho.

live it up and let go,

Friday, August 5, 2005

walking through this world blinded
by ambitions and goals i can't reach
started out this path determined
i could practice the words i could preach.

but i'm failing miserably
can't quite win this game
i wanna be strong, be happy
but nothing feels the same.

so i started out this summer with a list of goals that i was determined to meet before i started college. this is a huge transition and there were a few things that i felt i needed to do before i could move on and away from the life i led in high school. and i've steadily been gaining headway on that list, or at least i thought i was. but i'm waking up right now and realizing that i have exactly 2 weeks until i move out (1 of which i will be camping out of town) and i've only really crossed one thing off my list. i said i was going to go to florida and say goodbye to my stepmom, and i did. that was probably the biggest thing on the list and with all the obstacles standing in my way i made it. i made it there and back, only a little more bruised than when i started. but i haven't been able to get ahold of my former best friend and love interest to finally let go of him. i can't just let go, i have to look him in the face and tell him that i loved him...but i can't anymore. but no matter what i do he's bound and determined to distance himself from me. i've called a thousand times, every time it was like a kick in the heart when he didn't answer or call back. he used to be my best friend and he's acting as if i mean nothing to him. maybe i do...maybe i never did mean anything, but either way i need to know. i need to see him. i only wish he'd give in just once... all i need is to see him once. and i said i'd go to my dad's grave and say goodbye once and for all... but i can't. i can't make myself do it. i know how to get there, well vaguely there's a bunch of detours that i'd have to figure out but i do know how to get there. and i have someone to go with me again... but i'm afraid. i'm terrified. i'm not sure i can really let go of him yet. i said i'd mend all my old friendships...let them go too, but i can't do that either. we hang out now and then again but it's not the same and it still hurts sometimes that i can't go to them, but i can't say goodbye to them either. i seem to only be fucking up more friendships lately, rather than fixing the few i thought were the only ones i'd ever have to worry about like that. so basically this summer i've achieved one concrete goal i set. i should be ecstatic... but what happens when these 2 weeks fly by and i haven't done a damn thing about the rest of them? can i go off to school without do any of this... can i just ignore the fact that things have gone unsaid and unfinished and undealt with? i'm not sure. how does the summer slip away so fast?

living it up and fading away,

Tuesday, August 2, 2005

been in lust a few times
but loves a little much
can't quite process it yet
but i'm craving his touch

is it lust or is it love
i'm so confused i could burst
am i overreacting, underestimating
could i truly be this cursed?

if love was supposed to hurt so badly
why am i dying to fall so hard again
his eyes bewitch my very senses
he's slowly but surely sneaking in.

so i've been sitting and thinking about this same fucked up situation for like weeks now... i've been trying to figure everything out. i have been trying to figure out why i fell for him so hard. he's an asshole sometimes, but he's sweet too...and i'm finally deciding that i need to get it all out. i need to figure out why i like him so much. so here it goes. he's different than all the rest... sure he's a lot like the last guy i fell for, but he's so much more too. it melts my heart that he can't spell to save his life, but can reason things out and sound like the most intelligent person in the world. he's a straight thinker...a good liar, and he's optomistic. he's a good talker...a good manipulator, he can make me do things with just a look in those beautiful blue eyes. to be honest i thought they were brown until the other day, but i looked into them once and they caught me... i haven't been able to look away once. i love how he calls me jen... even though it grates on my nerves, i just love it. i love it because no one else calls me that, and because he only does it to piss me off. i like how he calls me beautiful even though i don't think he's right. i love how he's trying to quit smoking for me, and that he took care of me when i was sick even though he was about a second from puking himself. i like how he lays with me and pulls me close and whispers in my ear that he could lay there forever. he makes me feel so wanted, so loved, so perfect. i love that he can pull off those extremely ridiculous cop sunglasses and bubblegum pink shirts. i love the way he smells, especially right after he's showered. and this is going to sound completely ridiculous but the thing that i like about him most is that he's not afraid to piss me off. my music is my passion... i don't let anyone fuck with my radio...and i don't allow rap to be played in my car for more than one song, but he does all he can to make sure it gets turned on. i love that we have completely different tastes in music. but what really makes me smile is the fact that after being with him for a week straight he searches for country stations on the radio, knows all the words to at least 4 fall out boy songs, turns off his rap songs when they are halfway through, and is finally coming around to the obscure punk rock CD's in my collection. i'm rubbing off on him and I love it. i love that he's spontaneous because it's so exciting. if someone will go to a public beach without their swimsuit and see a bridge they want to jump off into a river that may or may not be deep enough and strips down to their underwear in front of countless people and just jumps without a second thought....that's hot. i love how unpredictable everyday is with him. i love not knowing what he's going to say next or do next. i think i'm falling a little too hard.

fall without purpose, land without cause,

Monday, August 1, 2005

these lies are leaving teardrops
and trails to my stricken heart
it's beating, it's breaking
i feel as if i'll fall apart.

i like him a little too much
and respect her a little too less
she's lied just as i have in the past
how'd I get myself into this mess?

i love him, she's leavin
and i'm wondering if it's wrong
am i a hypocrite, a fuckup
why can't i just be strong?

lies make the world go round til it's spinning out of control...we're halfway to hell and wondering when we'll just finally get there.

what the hell do you do when you fall in love with someone you just can't be with? what the hell do you do? i've been lieing for what feels like my entire life now. i literally cannot tell my best friend in the world the biggest news i've had in months. i can't tell her i have a semi-boyfriend. i can't tell her i lost my virginity...and i can't tell her that i could possibly be in love. i wanna scream it from the rooftops... or just whisper it in the rain. it would kill her though. it would destroy her to know that after all we've been through and after all the problems us being together has caused that i'd still risk it to be with him. i can't stay away though. he is so fucking imperfect sometimes that he's just perfect. i don't know how to even explain it. i didn't even realize how much he was like my last lust/love obsession until it was entirely too late and i was already falling. he's exactly like him. the same family situations, the same fucked up sense of self, the same eyes even. they are complete opposites on the outside...but once i kept digging deeper and deeper they are the same. it's scary sometimes, because i haven't talked to him or even seen my old best guy friend in like months but i'll be sitting with this new guy and i forget that they're not the same person. i feel exactly the same with them both, but this one actually likes me back. this one isn't afraid to tell me what's going on or call me on my bullshit or just sit with me in complete silence. he is everything that my old love was... but he's everything he wasn't too. i'm scared that that's the only reason i like him this much though, that it's the only reason i'm falling so hard... i want him to be someone else so badly that i'm ignoring things that i shouldn't. and i could possibly be losing the best two friends i've ever had in the process... i'm not sure if it's worth it all. but it feels like it is. and that sounds like a bunch of bullshit because friends come first, but it's how i feel. i'm sick and tired of having to give up what i really want because someone else isn't happy. she doesn't even want him, she just doesn't want me to have him...and it's selfish. i love her to death, but she's not thinking of anyone but herself in this situation. why should i have to sit here and possibly lose someone that i could be happy with when she's leaving to move all the way across the country in a little over a week? why do i always have to lose what i really want... i feel like i give up everything that means anything to me. i give in so easily, i'm afraid to let anyone else get hurt...but i'm sick of hurting. i am sick and tired of being the one that gives everything up. and so i will lie... so no one gets hurt. he told me that lies can save friendships...and this could very well destroy ours whether she finds out or not because if i can't tell her any of this is it really a friendship? i don't think it really is... and that hurts even more sometimes. he says she's lied to me to and that hurts too... because i don't know what it's about. i don't want to believe that she could act like i'm acting now... and i'm being a hypocrite to say this but i can't believe she'd do something like that. i'm being forced to... but what the hell could possess her to do it? i'm so fucking confused right now.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

feeling a little lonely
feeling a little left behind
they're laughin, they're partying
she tries to act like she don't mind

but she's feeling lonely, a little too much
and she's feeling loved, a little too little
she's stretching those fingers for their hands
but they refuse to meet her in the middle.

so i think i figured out exactly why i've done what i've done in the past. i fucked up every single friendship i ever had... i never did it on purpose, or thought I did anyway. I just would always do something or let something get to me so much that it was impossible to look at those people the same. lately it's not like that though, i'm not disappointed in people or reading too far into their flaws... i'm fucking it up. i'm doing things i know will ruin it all because i know i am going to be left behind and i figure if they have a reason to leave me maybe it won't hurt so bad. it won't just be like they don't care about me, it'll be like they can't care. i'm so angry at my friends for moving away that i have to jeopardize all the years we've been building these awesome friendships just so i can feel like i deserve to be left. that's why i'm still doing shit with the guy that almost broke my best friend and me apart...that's why i'm not calling some people, or why i'm talking behind their backs knowing that one day they'll find out. i'm bitter, and i need to stop. i need to realize that everyone has to grow up... they have to follow their dreams, and sometimes even their family across the country. they aren't doing it to hurt me. they aren't leaving me behind because they don't love me... it's just life. and i know all of this. i'm not stupid, i know that, but it hurts so bad sometimes that i convince myself that i'm to blame...that i wasn't ever enough. cause really was i?

Sunday, July 17, 2005

his eyes are barely locked
but she tries to make them waver
she shakes and she shivers
hoping he still wants her.

they're doin a crazy dance
knowing it's out out of tune
but she's singing off key
Hoping he'll notice her soon.

she's fucking up with reason
she's bound to get caught in time
she'll get what she wants out of it
If she can balance his blurry lines.

Life gets crazy sometimes, but I think when your a senior and just out of highschool trying to live your summer up for all it's worth, you don't really notice. I mean you party whenever you can... you have exactly 3 months of summer before you leave everything you know behind. You almost have to go a little overboard to make it worth it. But one day you wake up and have to wonder if you shouldn't be doing it. It never crosses your mind to stop, but you have to sit and wonder for at least 30 seconds if you shouldn't slow down a bit. It's not like you have a problem, your just doing too much to have fun. you are becoming a different person without even knowing it. you get more open, more trusting, more careless. you get hurt a lot easier. things hit you a lot harder. because when you wake up in the morning, okay maybe afternoon, after a night of partying you just have this guilt... or maybe you just don't remember anything...and it hurts for a while. who did you fuck over? what secrets did you let loose? We never stop though... we think maybe we should, but we don't. because it's fun and it's freeing. and freedom is the american way.

drink yourself sober, you'll never feel a thing,

Friday, July 15, 2005

darkness covering blind desires
the lights are low and covers drawn
he's holding tight to false hopes
that she'll come back with the dawn

but she's holding on to secrets
that she can't quite pay the cost
she wants to wander back to him
but she's a little too lost

she wants to believe she can hide him
but love and lies are not her specialty
she can't hide such an obvious betrayal
those praying eyes are bound to see.

it's the one struggle I have never had to deal with...until now that is. to be caught between a boy and a best friend, it's earthshattering. there are so many emotions and so few answers. i cannot betray my best friend. not after all the years she has been there through the laughs and tears and struggles and heartaches. but i can't help but want him. i love the attention he pays me and the way i shiver whenever his hand brushes my stomach or my shoulder. i love the way he wants to hold my hand. it's intoxicating. it's addictive and i can't stop myself sometimes. i know he's not right for me, but it doesn't stop my wanting him so badly. i don't care that he has baggage and could break up the most meaningful friendship i've ever had. i don't care that he can't possibly be this caring and completely commitable boy he paints the picture of being when we're alone. i just want things to work out perfectly... just once. but it can't. because no boy is worth the pain i felt for the 24 hours my best friend couldn't even look at me. i wish i could convince myself of that when his hands are snaking their way to making me shiver though.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

the train is almost home
but it's falling off the tracks
we all know where it's headed
and wish it wasn't going back.

the windows rattle, shake and groan
we're not sure we're gonna make it home
but it was never a home, it's true
no, not without you

we spend our entire lives trying to be someone that we're not. our entire lives...we try to be someone that is pretty, smart, and nice. nine times out of ten we are not that person. i'm not that person. i realized this when i could hurt my best friend in the entire world. we try to be perfect human beings, but it's just not possible. we will hurt people, we will always hurt them. and in the process we will hurt ourselves too, because one day we all wake up and realize that we're not pretty, and we're not smart, and we're not nice. we're just people living our lives...we'll make mistakes and fuck over people that we love. and sometimes there's no coming back from that. sometimes it's just over.

Tuesday, July 5, 2005

So here we are again
halfway off the edge it seems
my thread has long since broke
and I'm hangin on by a splinter.

hmm so I guess I should introduce myself. I'm jenny. this is my blog/journal/diary whatever the hell you'd like to call it. It's all the randomness that is me, so deal with it. It is what it is.

love and live and leave,