walking through this world blinded
by ambitions and goals i can't reach
started out this path determined
i could practice the words i could preach.

but i'm failing miserably
can't quite win this game
i wanna be strong, be happy
but nothing feels the same.

so i started out this summer with a list of goals that i was determined to meet before i started college. this is a huge transition and there were a few things that i felt i needed to do before i could move on and away from the life i led in high school. and i've steadily been gaining headway on that list, or at least i thought i was. but i'm waking up right now and realizing that i have exactly 2 weeks until i move out (1 of which i will be camping out of town) and i've only really crossed one thing off my list. i said i was going to go to florida and say goodbye to my stepmom, and i did. that was probably the biggest thing on the list and with all the obstacles standing in my way i made it. i made it there and back, only a little more bruised than when i started. but i haven't been able to get ahold of my former best friend and love interest to finally let go of him. i can't just let go, i have to look him in the face and tell him that i loved him...but i can't anymore. but no matter what i do he's bound and determined to distance himself from me. i've called a thousand times, every time it was like a kick in the heart when he didn't answer or call back. he used to be my best friend and he's acting as if i mean nothing to him. maybe i do...maybe i never did mean anything, but either way i need to know. i need to see him. i only wish he'd give in just once... all i need is to see him once. and i said i'd go to my dad's grave and say goodbye once and for all... but i can't. i can't make myself do it. i know how to get there, well vaguely there's a bunch of detours that i'd have to figure out but i do know how to get there. and i have someone to go with me again... but i'm afraid. i'm terrified. i'm not sure i can really let go of him yet. i said i'd mend all my old friendships...let them go too, but i can't do that either. we hang out now and then again but it's not the same and it still hurts sometimes that i can't go to them, but i can't say goodbye to them either. i seem to only be fucking up more friendships lately, rather than fixing the few i thought were the only ones i'd ever have to worry about like that. so basically this summer i've achieved one concrete goal i set. i should be ecstatic... but what happens when these 2 weeks fly by and i haven't done a damn thing about the rest of them? can i go off to school without do any of this... can i just ignore the fact that things have gone unsaid and unfinished and undealt with? i'm not sure. how does the summer slip away so fast?

living it up and fading away,
Jenny