Saturday, March 24, 2012

Time, and tests, will tell

"One thing Winny had learned from books was that you had to be tested in life to discover who you were and what you were capable of doing.  Hopeless sissy, noble warrior, maniac-- he could be anything, and he wouldn't know until he was tested."- Dean Koontz (77 Shadow Street)

"As you have observed, it is the nature of human beings to exploit one another ruthlessly and to ravage nature as well, again and again and again over the centuries.  No class or race or faction is innocent of that crime."- Dean Koontz (77 Shadow Street)

"By their nature, heroes leave outsize footprints, overblown and dangerous legends, therefore, in a well-ordered and efficient world, there would be no place for them."- Dean Koontz (77 Shadow Street)

"Fear is the engine that drives the human animal.  Humanity sees the world as a place of uncountable threats, and so the world becomes what humanity imagines it to be."- Dean Koontz (77 Shadow Street)

The clean paper is almost menacing, waiting for me to ruin it with these misspelled words and misrepresented emotions.  I remember days where fear was not present or if it was it was only that the words would never stop, or that the pen may run out of ink or my hand would cramp before the words refused to flow.  Life is much different now.  Words are few and far between, as is inspiration.  Life is fleeting, and yet I have no words for it.  I cannot explain how it feels to question whether I want to know if my life is about to drastically be in jeopardy.  It is frustrating to try to pick out the emotions when so many are zooming around inside of my crowded head.  They are attacking me in phases, breaking me down with each onslaught of doubt, pain, worry, regret, loss, sadness, and longing.  And we are back to the age old question:  if you could know if you were going to die, would you want to know?  Would it change your life, the way you live it?  Would knowing that soon all of this will be gone, and that you might get to fall in love, and you might even have time to have children, and to find happiness and purpose in life, but that you would have to inevitably leave it all behind change if you choose to do those things?  It's hard to fathom, and the words fail me, fail to save me.

But the answer is obvious, the answer to the question at least.  I have to know, because it will change things... it might even change everything.  Can I truly have children knowing that they will grow up most of their lives without a mother?  Can I have children knowing that there is a large likelihood that I will pass on this "bad gene" and they too will suffer as I might, as my father did.  Is it fair to affect my world as my father inevitably affected ours?  This pain, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

Time, and tests will tell.  Until then, the ticking clock is nearly unbearable.