Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Running is the new healing, at least that's what she says.

And she's running away again, faster than she ever has before.  She is running from obligation, from being needed.  Is it so much for her to desire someone to want her again?  To truly want her, more than anything else in the entire world.  That is her dream, that she will someday find a man that is content to just be with her.  Someone that can lie next to her in bed in the dark and just talk for hours.  Someone that makes the world melt away, and revels in the fact that he can melt with her.  She thought that she had found him, she thought that she had found this amazing man that would make the rest of the world finally make sense, or allow her to ignore the fact that it will never, and has never ever made sense anyway.  But then she realized that she needed more than that, but somehow less than that too.  You see she thought that she saw the glimmer of her father in the eyes of a boy waiting in line for a roller coaster, but really all she found was a boy that would love her the same.

Unfortunately it was as he was confessing his love for her, that she realized that she would never love him the way he already loved her.  She could not love him, and at first she thought it was because she still loved another.  In those first excruciating moments it was his face that flashed before her eyes.  It was his eyes she was looking into and it was his hand holding hers, ever so gently, but still protectively.  It was his stubble that she was stroking, and his lips that her fingers were running across.  So ya, maybe the epiphany was two-fold.  She realized that she still loved someone who would never ever choose to love her the way she deserved back, not in the way she wanted anyway.  Because he would always love her, just not in the right ways.  But she also realized that the boy that she had chosen to take that other man's place was no closer to the man that she needed.  The funny thing, is that together they were a perfect man.  Strong, protective, comforting, sensual and racy meets sensitive, caring, loving, and goofy.  Two halves of a whole that made up the greatest man she had ever known.  Together they were her father, but individually they were largely disappointing.

And so here she stands, after running away again.  Writing a story about a girl that was obvious was her from the time the pen starting touching paper, and then her fingers started gracing the keys.  She is trying to make sense of her decisions, of her reactions, of her nearly insatiable need to be with these boys that mean nothing to her.  But her decision-making seems to have been placed on hold in light of her need to heal.  Again.  So that in a month or two when she meets another amazing man, she can run and her body will be conditioned for the consequences. 

The real question is whether the same can be said of her mind.


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

my own little one tree hill

Some days I look at my life and I wonder if I will ever have enough.  I am not a selfish person, and I never really have been.  If anything I am selfless, I am even selfless in detriment to my own well being.  I will give anything to see you rise up against the tides of this overwhelming world.  And yet somehow, no matter what I do, or who I meet, or how deeply I fall in love, it is never enough.  He is never enough.  Which makes me wonder, if maybe its me that's the problem to begin with.  I have these ideas about love in my head that have built up as a result of my life.  I have what I expect love to be in my head, whether I can figure out what that actually is still stands in question. 

It seems ridiculous to relay what I am even thinking at this moment.  It saddens me to admit the thoughts inside of my head.  But I also wonder if these thoughts are not the product of my endless pursuit to finish a tv series that for many years of my young adulthood I wished was my own life.  I wished my life were that exciting, or that enticing, or even that dramatic.  For years I wanted to be Peyton Sawyer, and now as I rewatch the series on Netflix i'm beginning to see that 5 years later... maybe I am.

You see i'm finding myself in this place where I've realized that even after throwing myself full force into an amazing relationship, one that can work, and is working, that I'm still in love with someone else.  And I'm wondering if this love is eternal, everlasting, inescapable.  Or if its simply inevitable, lasting, but over.  The problem is that I do love another, I love someone with my whole heart, but he does not want me.

And so this boy is my Julian.  I could love him, I could be happy with him, but there will always always be that other guy.  I'll think of him when I am least expecting it, I will keep him in my life because i can, and because everyone allows me to.  But I will be waiting, no matter how deeply I get into another relationship, I will be waiting for that day when he misses me, when he realizes that he made a mistake.  And I will go running back. 

It kills me to see this, to be this girl.  And so I wonder if this is only the product of a high fever and too much time to catch up on dramatic television of the past.  I wonder if I am dreaming up all of these feelings, or if this is really who I am.

I am Peyton Sawyer, and he is my Lucas Scott... but for today I will be happy with Julian Baker, because he's a great guy, he makes me smile, and some days he even makes me forget that Lucas Scott ever walked away.


Saturday, December 17, 2011

I see myself through their eyes and I am beautiful (I see myself through my lies and I am beautiful)