my own little one tree hill

Some days I look at my life and I wonder if I will ever have enough.  I am not a selfish person, and I never really have been.  If anything I am selfless, I am even selfless in detriment to my own well being.  I will give anything to see you rise up against the tides of this overwhelming world.  And yet somehow, no matter what I do, or who I meet, or how deeply I fall in love, it is never enough.  He is never enough.  Which makes me wonder, if maybe its me that's the problem to begin with.  I have these ideas about love in my head that have built up as a result of my life.  I have what I expect love to be in my head, whether I can figure out what that actually is still stands in question. 

It seems ridiculous to relay what I am even thinking at this moment.  It saddens me to admit the thoughts inside of my head.  But I also wonder if these thoughts are not the product of my endless pursuit to finish a tv series that for many years of my young adulthood I wished was my own life.  I wished my life were that exciting, or that enticing, or even that dramatic.  For years I wanted to be Peyton Sawyer, and now as I rewatch the series on Netflix i'm beginning to see that 5 years later... maybe I am.

You see i'm finding myself in this place where I've realized that even after throwing myself full force into an amazing relationship, one that can work, and is working, that I'm still in love with someone else.  And I'm wondering if this love is eternal, everlasting, inescapable.  Or if its simply inevitable, lasting, but over.  The problem is that I do love another, I love someone with my whole heart, but he does not want me.

And so this boy is my Julian.  I could love him, I could be happy with him, but there will always always be that other guy.  I'll think of him when I am least expecting it, I will keep him in my life because i can, and because everyone allows me to.  But I will be waiting, no matter how deeply I get into another relationship, I will be waiting for that day when he misses me, when he realizes that he made a mistake.  And I will go running back. 

It kills me to see this, to be this girl.  And so I wonder if this is only the product of a high fever and too much time to catch up on dramatic television of the past.  I wonder if I am dreaming up all of these feelings, or if this is really who I am.

I am Peyton Sawyer, and he is my Lucas Scott... but for today I will be happy with Julian Baker, because he's a great guy, he makes me smile, and some days he even makes me forget that Lucas Scott ever walked away.

J-Leigh