Sunday, August 28, 2005

nothing lyrical or poetic today
i will simply write all i have to say.

so I just typed out this enormous entry explaining how fucked up love is and how hard of a time i'm having with it and then fucked up and refreshed the window... so here's the venting as closely as I can get it. Love's a funny thing... not funny in the ha ha sense, but more like in the fucked up ironic sense. My entire highschool career I avoided the teenage love thing. Sure, I fell in love with my best friend as all teenagers at one point do, but inevitably it turned into nothing. I think I loved the idea of him more than I ever loved the actual person. And then I thought I was free and clear... I was leaving my hometown without any strings attached and launching myself into the college madness... I was free. But love's a funny thing and it crept in when I wasn't looking or paying attention. It crept between my best friend and I too... and it just wouldn't back off. It grew stronger and stronger with each day... until we get to the present. We started saying I love you a while ago... but I don't think I realized I really meant it until the other day. You see my boyfriend is going to the air force. He is leaving me before this year is even over for 8 months. We haven't even been officially together for a month yet. Can such a young romance withstand that kind of time and distance? I'm not sure. And it scares me to death because the only kind of love i've ever known ends like this. I get left behind. I get left home to cry and wonder why. It's not like I didn't know that it was coming, I always did. He never kept these things from me, but all the same it was never real to me. Until he came home from visiting a base the other day with a smile bigger than I've ever seen on his face, and animatedly told me everything he'd seen and been through that day. It was hard not to burst into tears... because in about 3 minutes my entire life collapsed. I had betrayed my best friend's trust to be with him, almost ruined our friendship, and I'd even come to truly love him and now all of a sudden he was leaving me, and he wasn't even thinking of me. He didn't until I broke down into tears later that night and he forced me to tell him why. He broke down too, I saw him cry for the first time, and even though it was a little thrill that he felt comfortable enough to do it in front of me, it hurt me too. It hurt me that I could make him feel like him doing something with him life and trying to fix everything was wrong. He started telling me that he could change this and change that so he wouldn't have to be gone so long, but I told him I wouldn't let him. I'm not letting him compromise his dreams to be with me. It's not fair to him or his future. I would leave him before I ever let him do that. I feel awful because I kind of ruined everything for him, but I couldn't help it. I don't want him to leave. I'll never outright tell him that, but in my heart I don't think I can go through this again. I can't be the girlfriend waiting at home for news that he's been killed or hurt. I realize that that won't be for a few years... but if I'm in this as deeply as I think I am, we'll still be together in a few years. I can't just wait for news like that again, not after what I went through with my dad. waiting to hear that he'd died almost killed me. And that right there is why i'm terrified to be in love with him. I love him, there's no point in trying to get around that, but am I IN love with him? Can I stay with him? Can I imagine myself marrying him? having kids with him? making him a part of my fucked up little family? The problem is that I can. And it would seriously damage me to lose him at this point. He's my everything. I know it happened fast, and some would say that I'm getting carried away, but everything just works. And he's told me that I mean more to him than any girl ever has, he flat out told me that if I wasn't sure I was in this for the long haul then I needed to tell him now, because if he waited even a day longer he wouldn't survive it. He told me he was in too deep... and I believe him. I think we're both in a little deeper than we can manage, but I can't stop myself. I don't want to, I shouldn't have to.

a little broken, a little blistered, but what's left is still beating,

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

we're chasing our tails
and falling behind
he can't quite keep up
i can't make up my mind.

i want so badly to be happy
but can't quite hold a smile
i wish he'd hold me a little tighter
even for only a little while

gotta give up your destiny
to follow the path you've chose
will it be worth it after everything
please tell me someone knows.

so i've started school and moved into my dorm.... kind of crazy stuff. I've met a bunch of nice people, and had to introduce myself to about 1000 random people that probably have no idea what my name is anymore. it's a weird atmosphere and i'm not really completely comfortable with it yet. Everyone is nice enough, but it's just strange. I love it too's so much freedom. i get to choose when to get up, when to go to bed, if i'm going to come home, where i'll party, and eat and who i'll have over. it's complete freedom... well not complete cuz this place has some fucked up rules but a lot of freedom anyway. i'm hopin it doesn't go to my head.

free to be confused,

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

packing up my boxes so carefully
that i've got creases on my heart
gotta get rid of this feeling
that the end must come before the start.

gotta say goodbye somehow
tell my mother not to worry
can't quite say the words
but my eyes tell the story.

don't wanna let go just yet
but everything is almost gone
it's all be put into motion
can't stop this ride we're on.

so my entire life is going to change in a few days... the entire thing. i'm going to college. i'm moving into a dorm. i'm going to be away from my mother for the first time in my entire life...and i'm going to be away from my friends too. i'm not ready for it, can i honestly do this alone?

exhaustion is a state of mind and i'm there,

Friday, August 12, 2005

mistakes are for fuckups
did i seriously give in
have i lost this game
was there a way i could win?

lose a friendship
gain a sense of love

so i don't even know how to feel right now... i have the best and worst of things happening all at once and i've tried to ignore it as best i could but i just can't anymore. i just can't keep going on knowing that i'm hurting my best friend in the world... knowing that she is going to move across the country and probably hate me for the rest of my life because i stole the boy that she first had sex with. i still can't believe that she's actually leaving. i've known for how long that this was going to happen...but it was never real to me. she was always going but it was always so far in the future and now i'm sitting here realizing that she will be gone in 2 days. 2 days. that seems so final. like the day she leaves it's all going to be over. and i don't want to sound like a pessimist but isn't it? won't it be over once we can't see each other every day or laugh at stupid random shit together? it won't ever be the same again... it can't be. i love her to death and i don't want her to go but i know she has to. gotta run tho.

live it up and let go,

Friday, August 5, 2005

walking through this world blinded
by ambitions and goals i can't reach
started out this path determined
i could practice the words i could preach.

but i'm failing miserably
can't quite win this game
i wanna be strong, be happy
but nothing feels the same.

so i started out this summer with a list of goals that i was determined to meet before i started college. this is a huge transition and there were a few things that i felt i needed to do before i could move on and away from the life i led in high school. and i've steadily been gaining headway on that list, or at least i thought i was. but i'm waking up right now and realizing that i have exactly 2 weeks until i move out (1 of which i will be camping out of town) and i've only really crossed one thing off my list. i said i was going to go to florida and say goodbye to my stepmom, and i did. that was probably the biggest thing on the list and with all the obstacles standing in my way i made it. i made it there and back, only a little more bruised than when i started. but i haven't been able to get ahold of my former best friend and love interest to finally let go of him. i can't just let go, i have to look him in the face and tell him that i loved him...but i can't anymore. but no matter what i do he's bound and determined to distance himself from me. i've called a thousand times, every time it was like a kick in the heart when he didn't answer or call back. he used to be my best friend and he's acting as if i mean nothing to him. maybe i do...maybe i never did mean anything, but either way i need to know. i need to see him. i only wish he'd give in just once... all i need is to see him once. and i said i'd go to my dad's grave and say goodbye once and for all... but i can't. i can't make myself do it. i know how to get there, well vaguely there's a bunch of detours that i'd have to figure out but i do know how to get there. and i have someone to go with me again... but i'm afraid. i'm terrified. i'm not sure i can really let go of him yet. i said i'd mend all my old friendships...let them go too, but i can't do that either. we hang out now and then again but it's not the same and it still hurts sometimes that i can't go to them, but i can't say goodbye to them either. i seem to only be fucking up more friendships lately, rather than fixing the few i thought were the only ones i'd ever have to worry about like that. so basically this summer i've achieved one concrete goal i set. i should be ecstatic... but what happens when these 2 weeks fly by and i haven't done a damn thing about the rest of them? can i go off to school without do any of this... can i just ignore the fact that things have gone unsaid and unfinished and undealt with? i'm not sure. how does the summer slip away so fast?

living it up and fading away,

Tuesday, August 2, 2005

been in lust a few times
but loves a little much
can't quite process it yet
but i'm craving his touch

is it lust or is it love
i'm so confused i could burst
am i overreacting, underestimating
could i truly be this cursed?

if love was supposed to hurt so badly
why am i dying to fall so hard again
his eyes bewitch my very senses
he's slowly but surely sneaking in.

so i've been sitting and thinking about this same fucked up situation for like weeks now... i've been trying to figure everything out. i have been trying to figure out why i fell for him so hard. he's an asshole sometimes, but he's sweet too...and i'm finally deciding that i need to get it all out. i need to figure out why i like him so much. so here it goes. he's different than all the rest... sure he's a lot like the last guy i fell for, but he's so much more too. it melts my heart that he can't spell to save his life, but can reason things out and sound like the most intelligent person in the world. he's a straight thinker...a good liar, and he's optomistic. he's a good talker...a good manipulator, he can make me do things with just a look in those beautiful blue eyes. to be honest i thought they were brown until the other day, but i looked into them once and they caught me... i haven't been able to look away once. i love how he calls me jen... even though it grates on my nerves, i just love it. i love it because no one else calls me that, and because he only does it to piss me off. i like how he calls me beautiful even though i don't think he's right. i love how he's trying to quit smoking for me, and that he took care of me when i was sick even though he was about a second from puking himself. i like how he lays with me and pulls me close and whispers in my ear that he could lay there forever. he makes me feel so wanted, so loved, so perfect. i love that he can pull off those extremely ridiculous cop sunglasses and bubblegum pink shirts. i love the way he smells, especially right after he's showered. and this is going to sound completely ridiculous but the thing that i like about him most is that he's not afraid to piss me off. my music is my passion... i don't let anyone fuck with my radio...and i don't allow rap to be played in my car for more than one song, but he does all he can to make sure it gets turned on. i love that we have completely different tastes in music. but what really makes me smile is the fact that after being with him for a week straight he searches for country stations on the radio, knows all the words to at least 4 fall out boy songs, turns off his rap songs when they are halfway through, and is finally coming around to the obscure punk rock CD's in my collection. i'm rubbing off on him and I love it. i love that he's spontaneous because it's so exciting. if someone will go to a public beach without their swimsuit and see a bridge they want to jump off into a river that may or may not be deep enough and strips down to their underwear in front of countless people and just jumps without a second thought....that's hot. i love how unpredictable everyday is with him. i love not knowing what he's going to say next or do next. i think i'm falling a little too hard.

fall without purpose, land without cause,

Monday, August 1, 2005

these lies are leaving teardrops
and trails to my stricken heart
it's beating, it's breaking
i feel as if i'll fall apart.

i like him a little too much
and respect her a little too less
she's lied just as i have in the past
how'd I get myself into this mess?

i love him, she's leavin
and i'm wondering if it's wrong
am i a hypocrite, a fuckup
why can't i just be strong?

lies make the world go round til it's spinning out of control...we're halfway to hell and wondering when we'll just finally get there.

what the hell do you do when you fall in love with someone you just can't be with? what the hell do you do? i've been lieing for what feels like my entire life now. i literally cannot tell my best friend in the world the biggest news i've had in months. i can't tell her i have a semi-boyfriend. i can't tell her i lost my virginity...and i can't tell her that i could possibly be in love. i wanna scream it from the rooftops... or just whisper it in the rain. it would kill her though. it would destroy her to know that after all we've been through and after all the problems us being together has caused that i'd still risk it to be with him. i can't stay away though. he is so fucking imperfect sometimes that he's just perfect. i don't know how to even explain it. i didn't even realize how much he was like my last lust/love obsession until it was entirely too late and i was already falling. he's exactly like him. the same family situations, the same fucked up sense of self, the same eyes even. they are complete opposites on the outside...but once i kept digging deeper and deeper they are the same. it's scary sometimes, because i haven't talked to him or even seen my old best guy friend in like months but i'll be sitting with this new guy and i forget that they're not the same person. i feel exactly the same with them both, but this one actually likes me back. this one isn't afraid to tell me what's going on or call me on my bullshit or just sit with me in complete silence. he is everything that my old love was... but he's everything he wasn't too. i'm scared that that's the only reason i like him this much though, that it's the only reason i'm falling so hard... i want him to be someone else so badly that i'm ignoring things that i shouldn't. and i could possibly be losing the best two friends i've ever had in the process... i'm not sure if it's worth it all. but it feels like it is. and that sounds like a bunch of bullshit because friends come first, but it's how i feel. i'm sick and tired of having to give up what i really want because someone else isn't happy. she doesn't even want him, she just doesn't want me to have him...and it's selfish. i love her to death, but she's not thinking of anyone but herself in this situation. why should i have to sit here and possibly lose someone that i could be happy with when she's leaving to move all the way across the country in a little over a week? why do i always have to lose what i really want... i feel like i give up everything that means anything to me. i give in so easily, i'm afraid to let anyone else get hurt...but i'm sick of hurting. i am sick and tired of being the one that gives everything up. and so i will lie... so no one gets hurt. he told me that lies can save friendships...and this could very well destroy ours whether she finds out or not because if i can't tell her any of this is it really a friendship? i don't think it really is... and that hurts even more sometimes. he says she's lied to me to and that hurts too... because i don't know what it's about. i don't want to believe that she could act like i'm acting now... and i'm being a hypocrite to say this but i can't believe she'd do something like that. i'm being forced to... but what the hell could possess her to do it? i'm so fucking confused right now.