Today the world melted away again. I woke up and it was different, but somehow still the same. And it is only now that I am realizing that the world didn't change this time. I did. I think I finally realized that it might be time to grow up. Life isn't all about having fun, or going crazy. It isn't about making stupid decisions, and laughing about them later. Life is definitely not about sharing a bed with someone different every couple days. It's about all of those things too... all of those things make up my life. Every bad decision, and every stupid choice, and every good one too. That is my life. But now I want it to be more, I need it to be more. Life is about finding that one person that you want to spend your life with and sharing everything with them. Life someday does not need to be this lonely. Because right now that's what it is. Lonely. The kind of lonely that permeates to the very center of my chest and just sits there night after night. Its like a hole, with a weight inside. I know what I'm missing. The problem is that I'm not sure who it is that will ever fill it. I've been in love before, this I am sure of, but I have never ever found a love that filled that space inside. Everyone tells me to wait, to be patient, that love will find me one day, and I'll just know, but what if I didn't know and I already walked away from it? What if I didn't get the right (possibly wrong) guy a chance? These what ifs are overpowering sometimes. They take my breath away, and they make the loneliness creep in a little farther.
And I am left sitting at the bar, next to a boy that I have known for a long time and he looks different. And the way he looks at me is different than he used to, and I guess I've seen this for a while. I've seen that something changed along the way, something in the way he catches my eye across the room and smiles at me. Something in the way he hugs me goodbye, like he holds on a little longer than before, and is a little more tender than he used to be. And this makes me want to change how I look at him, but then those what ifs rear their heads again and I wonder if it's only because I'm lonely. He's a great guy, and to be quite honest I would trust any of my best friends hearts in his hand. I'm not sure who said it, or where I heard it, or if the information is even plausible or believable, but there was a day in the not too distant past when someone somewhere said that every lonely single girl worries and cries about the fact that she is alone, when if she just took the time to look around her she has at least one guy friend that would die to spend their life and conquer the world with her. I can do that. I can look at my life and I can see at least four guys that would drop everything they have to be with me. But I still have one little problem. I'm not willing to drop my life for any of them. If we were supposed to love each other, wouldn't we already be together? But then there's the fact that if I never make any steps to change those relationships that they will never change, they will never evolve.
So here's the problem. Everything that anyone ever tells you about love is contradicting. "wait for love to come to you". "best friends usually end up falling in love". "nothing will happen if you don't get out there and do something about it". "change is necessary". "love never changes". It's all crap. I could easily love someone that already loves me, but for some reason that's just not enough for me, it never has been. I need that epic earth shattering love. The kind that fate brings, and battling keeps. I want someone to fight to get me and fight to keep me, and never fight with me. I want love that is enough for my entire life.
Because this hole inside of me is growing as each day passes. The sun rises, and with it comes a carving knife. I fear that if love does not find me, and soon that I will eventually not want to wake up anymore to witness the destruction. Love is the only cure to this kind of loneliness. But I can't find it, and am starting to wonder if I ever will.
J-L
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