So when the world goes topsy turvy this is where I stand my ground. I tell my secrets without abandon, hoping some answers will be found. Maybe I'm a little crazy, a little too perfect to live in this fucked up world. The only thing I ever wished to be, was to always always be his girl. And this rhyming is getting out of tune already… so here's my saga I hope your ready.
I've been with a man for almost 4 years… almost being the key word here. Our anniversary is august 3rd, today is July 29th. He broke up with me with no warning, no reason, and no care 3 days ago. Looked me straight in the face and told me that he didn't love me, that maybe he never really had. And my world melted. It lost all reason, all purpose, everything. We were on our way back from vacation. I didn't even get to unpack my bags before I was forced out of my home. Days went by without communication, until I had a few drinks and decided that I wasn't going to be silenced on this topic anymore. I didn't care what he'd done, I wanted him back. He still didn't want me. And I wouldn't give up, so he says something that tears my world to pieces once again. I cheated on you. 4 words, 5 syllables, yet groundbreaking. At first I didn't believe a word he said. I didn't see his face because he did it over the phone so I couldn't believe it, I wouldn't. So we arranged a time to talk. I sat waiting for an hour and a half before I got the phone call. He was at the police department. He had changed the date on his expired motorcycle 30 day tags, was carrying an ample amount of marijuana, and would be in jail a few days. Could I call his mom? Could I call his boss? Could I pick him up? I wasn't his girlfriend anymore. He'd done who knows what with who knows who who knows when. I wasn't his lifeline, and yet somehow I was. I called him mom, she called his boss, and she picked him up. And somehow I came running back to him when he got home. He wanted to talk, about what we were going to do now that our relationship was over. I wanted to talk, about how we were going to make this work. I WAS BEGGING HIM FOR ANOTHER CHANCE. We have to have entered a topsy turvy world where yes means no and everything is backwards. It made no sense. He did the unmentionable. And I was apologizing, I was going to change for him?
Here's the part where all you readers get pissed at ME. You tell me not to be THAT girl. You tell me to pick up whats left of me and walk away. Kick him in the balls, slap him across the face and move on to something better that I deserve. That's what I'd be feeling if I read this. Writing this is different. For the first time in my life, I know without a doubt and without pause that I love this man. He's screwed up right now. He's on a disaster path that's leading him to somewhere that he likes. He wants to be alone… wanted maybe is the key word. You never really realize what you want until it's gone, or leaving. So yelling and screaming that I loved him, that I would always love him, that he made a mistake but he could fix it, only tonight. And now he's kicking himself in the balls, and slapping himself across the face, and telling me to move on to something better that I deserve. He is marveling at the power my love for him has. I will not listen to a word you have to say, and I'm sorry, but I'm a smart person. I have an IQ that is off the charts and I've aced every class I've come across, unless of course I didn't feel the need to summon up the effort. My friends would describe me as the genius, the smart one, the one that always knows what to do. But from the day I was born, I listened to my heart, not my head.
I feel broken in two. I feel as if our relationship will never be quite what it was before, because I have this stuck in the back of my head. There will always be her, when I'm undressing, when I'm kissing him, when I'm making love to him. To some degree the thought of her will not go away, at least for a while. As for him, is he to be trusted? I say yes, but again that's my heart speaking. It is my belief that he hit a psychological break and wanted to let loose all ties to all those around him. I was the only one that wasn't going to go willingly, so he did the one thing we both thought would seal the deal on this relationship. I said from day one my only two rules were don't hit me, and don't cheat on me. Those are the only reasons I would leave without a second thought. I was wrong. As was he. This may prove to be our undoing in the end, but for now I'm being strong because I think in the end of all this bullshit, and when all the backwards curtains are pulled and the world is as it should be, there will be happiness on the other side. Call me stupid, call me whatever you want, I'm in love and for the first time I don't care what other people think about my decisions. I might be wrong, but I'm okay with that.
And so we wait, for the final ball to drop, or for the scene to reverse back to reality. We wait to see if love really is enough in this fucked up world. We wait to see where we go from here… these are the days you marvel at your own strength, and also your own weaknesses. I love him, but this makes me fucking hate myself. This will be a long road but it's brightening a little everyday. Maybe that romance in him will return. Maybe he'll come home and sweep me off my feet. Maybe he'll make me love myself again someday. We just have to wait and see.
-JL
Loving him and losing it.
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