Thursday, July 9, 2009

My Pieces

Over the course of growing up I was probably asked over a hundred times what kind of person I am. Am I giver, or a taker, a liar or a faker. I've been given a thousand comparisons to choose from. Black and white reminders of categories that no real person could ever fit in. I was told from day one that I had to fit into categories. I had to be… something. I had to be able to explain exactly what kind of person I was in order to decide what kind of person I wanted to someday be. Today I finally realized who I was. And to be quite honest, it has nothing to do with the bullshit cookie cutter places they wanted to shove me into. I am a very unique person, one that has intrinsic value that is lost on most people. Those are the ones that vanish from my life without many second thoughts. They move on before they realize what I have to offer them. I don't really blame them, I'm just realizing exactly what it is that I possess, what kind of value I hold to this amazingly fucked up world. So what is it you might ask? What is it that I have to give to you? The answer is a piece of me.

I've skirted around this idea that I started as a whole person, and that I've lost pieces of myself along my long journey of life. I've talked it to death in previous journals, but I never really gave it any depth. I never really structured the idea in the sense that I intend to now. Before I get too deep into this I want to issue a small disclaimer. I do not intend this to increase my social, or even intrinsic value to the world. I am not spewing these mostly useless words to prove to you that you should be in my life, or that somehow I am worth more than you. I just made a profound realization in my life, and its brought me to a place of finality somehow. It has brought me to a place where I can be me, I can be comfortable, and I can feel as if, in the long run maybe I do mean something. So here is my normal incoherent babble for you to muddle through with (dis)interest.

I'm one of those people that has always always felt like there is something profound missing from my life. I walk around seeking that final piece day after day, and I will find things that feel right, and I will keep them, and still that hollow piece in my heart pangs to be filled. I used to blame it on losing my father at such a young age. I thought that I would never fill the hole that he left me with. I've realized that is not the case. I love my father, and in some way shape or form he is still with me every day of my life. He is proud of me, he loves me, and somewhere out there he is waiting for me to return to him. Am I bitter? Absolutely. Do I hate the world sometimes still? Everyday. Do I feel empty because of it? No. I feel a lot of things about my father, but not one of them is emptiness. I'm almost overflowing at the brim with memories of him. I will never lose that. So why do I feel so empty? The answer lies within the kind of person I have found myself to be.

I am selfless to a degree that I'm not sure I can explain in words. I am the friend that will never give up on you. I am the person that will give up anything to make you feel better, even in detriment to my own well being. I am the one that will give my life for yours, and think about it a little too late and a little too little. This sounds weird even as I type it out about myself, because I'm a bitch. I tell it how it is. I call you on your bullshit. I get heated and upset a lot. My tolerance is high, but when I explode, I decimate whatever lies within reach. I'm real. So maybe this is the price you pay for the goods you receive from me. I give up a part of my soul to everyone I touch… a part of my heart.

I will always be empty to some degree, because the pieces of myself that I long for lie within the people of my past. I give a part of myself to each person, a different part, a necessary part that makes their life a little easier to deal with. Maybe this is why I find it hard to let people in my life go because in an essence I am giving up on me. I am giving up on the parts of me that I felt I could do without. I love so deeply and so passionately that I do not see giving these pieces of myself away as anything great. I see it as necessary. A need. I love doing it.

Everyone I love holds a piece of me that I will never get back. And I realized today that they are better for it. They have never, nor will they ever again, have a person like me in their life. I love them more than I can fathom loving myself. All of them. All of you. Even the ones I have yet to meet, I love you for all your fucked up little quirks. I love you for your empty chambers that I can no doubt fill with another interesting part of me. I can be whatever you need me to be. Because I don't need to be anything other than that.

My haphazard past has led me to many places, and I could probably not trace it back if I tried. My pieces lie like breadcrumbs in the hearts of those that I have touched, and even if I sought to find each and every piece, I do not have the heart to take those pieces back. They needed those pieces, more than I did, and more than I will ever need them again. All those versions of me, they still exist out there within these people. Maybe I'm getting a little existential on you guys, but there are a thousand versions of me out there conquering the world. There are a million of me affecting the world still today, because each person with a piece of me, no doubt passes that part of me along to those they come into contact with. It's a strange little Jenny chain saving lives and hearts out there. This sounds crazy, and like I'm full of myself, but I feel good.

I feel great for the fact that I am worth something. I am the person that will someday at least try to save your life. I've seen what saving one life has coalesced to, what it is still blossoming into. And its eyeopening. I love that my life can save thousands just by shattering… even if it is one piece at a time. I only hope that a piece of me is climbing through these virtual pages. Learn from me, and pass it on. Maybe you too, can save a life.

Maybe emptiness doesn't have to be a bad thing. Maybe it's just a reminder. A slight pang that tells me that in some small, maybe even insignificant way, I'm changing the world. My pieces make other people feel whole, and my emptiness is a reminder of that. It is a small incentive to continue living the way that I do, to continue loving with no limits. I'm a bitch, but you love me, and your probably better for it too.

So in conclusion, if I were to define myself, I would have to say that I am a completer. I encounter people, I pick them up and dust them off and fill a tiny hole within them that allows them to continue on by themselves. I am not a creator, nor am I a developer, I am simply a builder. I am a helping hand. I reassemble what is out of whack. And I love doing it. I love finding something broken and bandaging it. Maybe someday I will encounter another person like myself and finally become my own finished product. I almost hope that doesn't happen though, who am I, if I am not who you need me to be?


 

This is either the caffeine or the sleep deprivation talking, but I mean every misspoken word of it.

XO

J-L

15 comments:

  1. Aw this is great. Screw MrRepzion for stealing this.

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    Replies
    1. What do you mean stealing this?

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    2. There's a douche-headed, yet sadly popular user on youtube called Mr. Repzion who made a video about himself, in which he opens up about himself.....except what he said wasn't his, he stole this entry from you and read it aloud in the video, and made it seem like it was a piece he had written himself,. In other words, he stole it and tried to make it his. Here's a mirror of the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7hMOcEdqDk#t=244

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    3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7hMOcEdqDk#t=149
      This a video he made and makes it seem like he wrote it

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    4. he stole your words, gave you no credit and changed them around alittle bit to "make them his own"...check out the mirror video of the original one he took down after being called out.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7hMOcEdqDk#t=406
      Seriously, watch the whole thing.

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    5. That ' Repzion ' guy steal your content and upload a video of him using the word in your blog...he have taken it down but some people have mirrors of it on the youtube...

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    6. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7hMOcEdqDk

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  2. He made a video where he read this letter verbatim and claimed it as his own lol

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  3. wow thanks everyone I had no idea. I guess there is no greater compliment than verbatim theft...

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    1. The original video actually linked your blog and the people who mirrored it, edited out the start of the video. All these anonymous people are just trolls. I saw the original video, came here, and read it for myself. He removed the video because reddit took the video the wrong way (or the post) here and claimed he was being arrogant. Once he removed it, they started uploading copies claiming he stole it or whatever. Its a damn shame as I am a regular reader of your blog due to him in the first place. Ticks me off to see people purposefully try to misrepresent him. When you have 200,000+ followers people will do anything it seems to get attention nowadays.

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    2. Hon, he himself admitted that he stole this in a more recent video. He puts his name into the poem and fully admits now that he did this. Don't be a dumbass fanboy who has to justify every bad thing he does. You're going to be very, very busy.

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    3. Timothy is a god damn liar, I watched the original video and I looked in the description, there was no link to this. Timothy is just a Repfag trying to justify Repzion's actions.

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  4. Daniel had a struggle pronouncing a good amount of words in this piece. LOL

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  5. The first mirror was blocked by Fullscreen, Mr. Repzion's network. Even though it's not his content and they know it.

    Here's a second mirror: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pv_uhcsuaGY

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  6. And Daniel (Mr. Repzion) hasn't learned his lesson -- he plagarized someone else.

    Videos explaining it:
    1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pv_uhcsuaGY
    2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39IRK0jL-uE

    ReplyDelete