Life is funny sometimes. So cyclical and cynical. I have come to realize that this is my addiction, the feeling that I get from releasing everything that I have inside out in to the universe. Usually I just need to be rid of whatever is inside, but today is different. Today this post is for him. This is for the boy that I knew I could never love enough to keep, but just enough to hurt so badly I could not let him go. I hope you find this someday, and I hope that you care enough to tell me that you heard me.
It has been months since we were supposed to meet for lunch and you just never showed up. I wrote to you after angry for the fact that you had done something that was so out of character that I just could not understand it. I was angry, but forgiving because I think I already knew then that I was toxic. I knew that I was the one thing that poisoned your ability to be happy. I told you that I would respect the fact that you could not be around me, or that you shouldn't be, and oh how I have tried. I have tried to forget you. But then I end up back here, and for some reason there you are. You nudge my brain as my fingers touch this keyboard and I want to reach out. I want to tell you so many things. The words are burning holes within my chest, and I am losing my sanity and myself in the process.
I do not love you, I do not want to spend my life with you, and I do not regret the fact that we stopped the never-ending cycle of whatever it was that we were doing. But I do miss you. The more days that go by without a call, or a text, or even a message, the harder it is for me. You were my best friend. You were the only person in the entire world that knew me completely and still accepted me. So when I come here, to this place that I seek when I need to figure something out, I miss you more. This white screen and blinking cursor are not enough. I need you to tell me I'm not crazy. I need you to tell me everything will be okay. I need you to let me cry on your shoulder.
I took you for granted, that is one thing that I am sure of. I was a terrible person to you, and I guess I understand why you do not want to be in my life now. I took everything you gave, and I did not respect it enough until it was gone. I was embarrassed of what we had, because in all honesty I did not know what it was. Honesty and acceptance to that degree, and at our young age, bred a feral and unyielding attraction that was not easily tempered, and in the end that is what also ruined our ability to connect. We were a unique duo then, but we have both since grown up and found true and lasting love.
I think that knowledge is what hurts the most. I always thought that there would come a day when we were both happy enough and secure enough in our own love lives that we could be friends again. I thought that if we found a place where there was no threat of attraction that we could have the good parts of our relationship back, but as more time passes I fear that I never will. So here is a list of everything that I've wanted to tell you in no particular order and without holding back:
I heard that you are going to be a daddy, and I am so happy for you. I saw the announcement and my eyes literally filled with tears, because I know that this is something that you have wanted for a long time. I know that you will be an amazing dad, and that that baby will never have to worry a day in his life because he has you watching over him. I wish more than anything that I could tell you that. Love him or her with everything you have and cherish every second. And leave some memories behind for them, leave something in writing and take a million pictures, because you never know how long you'll get with them. Life is unpredictable, and I know what it's like to have an amazing dad, but I also know what it is like to lose him. Maybe this seems dark, or that I am assuming you will have a short life, but you always told me you would. You always told me you thought you were going to die young, so if you do leave a piece of yourself for that child that will continue to grow and take the best of his/her daddy with them.
I have also had some revelations of my own. As you know I am quite independent and strong-willed, but I have seen this slowly breaking. I have found a man that I feel like I can spend the rest of this life with. He is smart and charming and loving, and sometimes when he looks at me I can see him get lost. He gets that look that someone gets when they are reading a book that they can just immerse themselves in. He gets lost in me, and I lose myself for a moment too. He has a temper, but he's only hard on himself. This is upsetting only because I do not know what to do to fix it, and it scares me, but for him and never for myself. I promised you and myself that I would never let someone hurt me again, and I know that he never would. He would never raise a hand to me. And he makes me want all that sappy shit that I tried to tell myself I never wanted or never needed. I want the wedding and the white picket fence and the three children playing with the dog inside it. I want it so badly, and I want it now. That scares me too. It scares me that I know I'm not ready for that, but that I want it anyway.
I miss you because I'm not sure what books to read anymore. I miss being able to just sit there and tell you about the book I was reading, or hear your version of one that I should read. And I miss stupid movie recommendations. I'm so lost on Netflix that I've rewatched every episode of Bones at least ten times.
I go out of my way to drive past your work when I'm in the area just so I can try to get a glimpse of you to see that you're ok. Yes, that makes me crazy. The compulsion is sometimes alarming, and the disappointment is even more so when you are not standing outside waiting and waving to show me everything is fine. I sound like some love crazed teenager, but I just worry and wonder about you. Are you eating okay? Are you happy? Have you quit smoking yet? God it's ridiculous and frustrating.
And finally, do you regret me? I know that I hurt you more than I ever helped you, and I took you for granted and I let you down, but was it still worth it? Do you miss the friendship that we had as much as I do? Do you ever wish that you could just go back and change things so that we never crossed the line? Wish that we had done things differently in the beginning so that maybe we could still talk from time to time now? Because I do. I miss my friend, and I fear that he does not miss me. I fear that you finally woke up and saw me through eyes that were not clouded by love, and realized that you didn't like what you saw anymore. I would understand if this is so, but it would also hurt.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get out of this long-winded and ridiculous rant. In the end, I just want you to know that I miss you. I miss my friend, and I miss your view of the world. It didn't always make sense to me, but it was unique. You are a special person and I want you to know that I finally realized that. You are the best friend I could ever hope to find, and I am saddened by the fact that my antics while depressed and single have caused me to lose something so amazing.
All I want is a cup of coffee, a slice of pie, and a talk with my best friend. I want to know you're okay, and to show you that I'm finally okay too.
Hoping and praying that my message gets through but preparing for the worst,
J-L
And nearly 5 years later I still wait and I still hope that he hears me.
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