Nothing left to Argue, Nothing Left to Say

here's to afterhighschool romances being exactly like the ones that we experienced when we were there. Here's to my stupidass believing that love could really save me, and really bring me back to earth. And finally, here's to heartbreak, but never breaking up. It's a toast to being lonely, but somehow still not being alone. And it's a toast to crying and drowning yourself in the tub. I don't know where I'm going, or if my words are taking me there, but all I can say for fucking sure is that I wish to god he'd be walking up those stairs. I'm tired and I'm uneasy, and I feel like I've already lost the race, when the honest truth is that I probably never ever kept up with a single pace. I'm a gimmick, I'm a joke, I'm everything he thought he wanted, but nothing that he chose. I'm his dream girl to a tee, but how the hell does he know what he wants anyway. I'm fucked up, I'm hurting and where is he? I don't have a damn clue. He's as lost to me as I am right now. And the sad part of everything? He's the only one that I have to call. I have not a fucking soul in the world to go to right now other than the person that I all of the sudden feel the need to run away from. That's not even the truth, he was the one that ran away from me.

so run run run away, everything will eventually be okay... but just remember that those you leave behind, they change, they rearrange, and sometimes lose their mind.

i give up i'm not making sense or helping myself in the least with this stupid shit,

klzxdfj

boyfriends and boy (space) friends

does life always run in circles... or maybe just spiral? I mean in the last year I have completely changed as a person. I've found love. I've lost friends. I've found out what was truly important to me. I've lived almost on my own. But in the same aspects I've lost myself too. I lost the person I used to be able to be with my friends. I've lost the need to party all the time. I've lost the freedom to flirt, and kiss, and spend every night exactly the way I want to. None of this is bad, I've just learned a new way of life. I've given up things in order to get things, and I'm finally happy... or at least on my way to finding out what that word really means. But now I find myself in the same position I was a year ago, two years ago, hell even three. TJ's in my life again, by my sheer amount of will. I missed him, so I started calling and now I think I'm on my way to having him back. as a friend. as only a friend. and for once that's all i want, that's all I need. I need for him to be just a friend, so that I can once and for all prove to myself that david is the one, that david's the only one I want to be with for the rest of my life. But on the phone today TJ finally admitted to me why he's repeatedly made plans with me, but broken them. He finally realized that he really fucked up in letting me go. He openly said, this is hard for me to say and it's really awkward, but i wish i had done things different with you a long time ago. In not so many specific words I got out of it that he's in love with me, or maybe has realized that at some point he was. which really fuckin sucks because i wasted three years of my life being literally obsessively in love with him, and he never could figure these things out then. So you might wonder what the problem is. I've said time and time again that I'm in love with david, that I'd never screw things up, that he's the one I want to marry... and he is. I have no doubt about that fact. He is and will always be the man that I want to spend my entire life with, every bad and good day of it. But I want my best friend back. Before TJ became a love interest he was my best friend. Even after he was still my best friend because that's how strong it was. Things never would have worked out and he had me guessing too much anyways. I wouldn't wanna jeopardize that friendship now that I look back on it. But now i'm finding out that I'm jeopardizing it anyway. TJ won't hang out with me because he doesn't wanna mess up what me and david have, and he convinced of the fact that he will. He's convinced that something would happen that would hurt me, and he says it's because he wants to protect me because he loves me. I need my best friend though, more than anything right now. I just wish he'd see that. I wish he'd believe me when i said that i'd never let him come between me and david and that david honestly does not care. i wish he'd listen to me like he used to.

best friends and boyfriends never were an easy thing to decide, if only he would listen to me instead of choosing to run and hide.

love, life, friends, and circular amusements never were my thing,
Jen

I'm just in one of those moods where I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't get my thoughts down in writing, but I have no idea what I want to say. I have all these thoughts just flying in circles in my brain but I can't figure any of them out. I'm going insane. I'm trying to handle too much, but dealing with too little. I wanna be the carefree student, partying it up and livin it down... but here I am partying it down and livin it up. I'm insanely in love, and i should be happy because of that but things are so damn confusing sometimes. David isn't always the boy that I thought he was. He scares me sometimes. He's losing himself in his problems, and I'm trying as hard as I can but with everything I have going I don't know how to help him. He's consumed me, and I'm not sure how I can dig myself out without hurting him. I dont' ever want to lose him. He's the only boy that I can picture myself with 10, 20, 30, 40, even 50 years down the road. I wanna be with him forever, but I don't want him to be the only thing I am. I want to have time for my friends, time for myself, time to just write like I am right now, but with him off work I can't seem to do that. I never thought I'd get sick of him being here everyday, but here I am. and I don't know how to deal with it because it's not just that he comes here, it's that I go to him. He calls and says he's having a bad day and the first thing I want to do is go to him and make him feel better no matter how much money and gas I'm wasting that I don't have in the process. I want to get to him and fix everything. I want to lay next to him and hold him and get up at an ungodly hour just so I can get back to campus in time for my class. I want to ignore all my friends and all the plans that I might have made so that I can just see him, even if it's only for 10 minutes. i don't want to go out there, i don't want to waste money i don't have, i don't want to leave stacie here after she like passed out and has been in the emergency room all day. I don't want to run to him every single time he mentions that he wants to see me, but at the same time it's all i want. I know that how ever many years down the road i won't have most of these friends, and he'll still be there. He'll always be there. But I shouldn't go out there. I shouldn't, but I will. I will, but I shouldn't. It's killing me to think all these things out, to think these thoughts and not tell him, and I will end up telling him. Things have to start to change and they have to start to change now. I don't want to drive out to luna pier only to be sitting at adam's house watching them all get high. I'm not gonna sit there and watch david smoke away his troubles. I'm not going to drive all the way out there just to have sex until we eventually pass out and go to sleep. everyday shouldn't have to be like that. I realize that neither of us has money, but just once I want him o surprise me with an awesomely random and inexpensive treat. I'm sitting here dreaming of the surprises i can bring him tonight... already knowing that I will be there. God... love is so amazingly contradictory.

call, leave a message
the dial tone isn't working
but your voice carries
i'll hear every single word
leave the voicemail unlistened
save it for later review
i'm a thousand miles away, but only ten
and amazingly i can still smell you
you drift to me miraculously
because you're scent is still on my pillow
wash it, rinse it, dry it, repeat
you're still there
mocking my attempts to wash you away
funny how i can't make you disappear
when the last thing you wanted was to stay.

i love that i can still do this, but am i losing steam... have i lost some of my ability because i've fallen in love. is it enough to matter, enough to want back? will i ever know?

falling in love so rapidly and so completely has changed me to an extent that I never really realized anything ever could. It sounds so cliche because so many movies have quoted the exact line I'm about to in about a thousand different ways and in a thousand different situations. Being in love makes me want to do things that I have NEVER wanted to do before. He's made me realize all these dreams that maybe I had, but never knew I had until now. I want to be kissed in the rain, and make love in the sea. I want to lay in his arms and watch the sunset and roll around in the sand. I want to go completely crazy and skinny dip in a pool that we have to break into. Sure movies have given me these dreams too, they've given me the ideas at least, but David... he's given me the desire to actually do them. Nothing scares me when I'm with him. I don't care if I can get caught, or how much trouble I can get into if we do I just want to be with him everywhere. I want to sit on the edge of the roof of a building with our legs dangling off and tell him every single minute detail about myself that he doesn't already know. I want him to know that I had an imaginary friend when I was younger, whose name I can't remember, but that was the same as every single doll I ever owned. I want him to know that I lie a lot, and it's not because it's a compulsive thing, but it's because I get bored. He's just gotten so far inside that I'm not sure what to do or where to go next. Nothing is ever enough, nothing ever will be. I want to take bubble baths with him, and long steamy showers. I wanna make love in a hot tub, and have sex in the forest... and yes I know the difference between making love and having sex. I want to know every inch of him, and I want him to know every inch of me. God I don't even have anymore words to explain the extent of how he's changed me. It's not an obsession either. I mean yes, I love being with him and it literally kills me to be away from him... but it's because of the awesome person he is, and how great he treats me and how perfect we are for each other. I never would have figured that I'd find the love of my life literally living next door to me, but I did. he popped up and completely sent my life into a whirlwind of events that have led me here... to perfect and absolute happiness in love. He loves me, and with every ounce of myself I love him back. I love him so much that being away from him for one night has caused me to do crazy things. Crazy things that I see in sappy love movies that I always make fun of. I'm wearing one of his t-shirts just because it feels like him, and I'm cuddling up with the teddy bear he got me for christmas, and I'm kissing it goodnight because I can't kiss him. I have pictures of us duct-taped to the wall next to my head and I talk to him at least 3 times a day... the last of which last night ended in one of those "no you hang up" conversations that only led my roommate to make fun of me for 10 straight minutes. I couldn't make my smile go away though. I just love him so much that I'm not sure what to do with myself. I can't wait two more days to see him, and I know for sure that he'll be over here way before then because he feels exactly the same way. God I love this.

Hopelessly in love,
Jenny

What is it about love that makes it so damn complicated? I thought I had it all figured out but here I am sitting just as confused, or maybe more so, than I used to be. I found David, and I fought for him. I damn near lost my best friends and everything that I knew because of it. I almost gave up everything to be with him. I didn’t do it to defy the norm, or even to just have what someone else wanted. I did it because for some strange reason, I felt like it was right, like nothing would ever be more right. Me and TJ had danced around love for as long as we’d been friends, but it wasn’t taking me anywhere but down. It was hurting, and even though I didn’t think I’d ever be able to, I let him go. I let his love go. I haven’t seen him in over a year now, or even hung out with him in almost two now. And somehow we’re still friends. And after all this time apart, and me finding love and grasping on so tightly, here we are dancing around it again. I love David. I’ve never felt the way I do for him with anyone else. It’s comfortable with him to a degree that I never imagined I’d ever reach. I hate the fact that one conversation with TJ could make me think the thoughts that I am right now. It’s fucking ridiculous. But no matter how much I don’t want it to be it’s there, somewhere deep and buried. There is a part of me that is still in love with TJ, a part of me that wants very badly to believe that it could somehow work out, a part of me that still wants to fix him. He’s more broken now. He’s in pieces, and I want to finish that puzzle. And that scares me, because up until today, I haven’t second thought my relationship with David even once. He’s everything TJ ever was to me, and surprisingly he feels something too. He loves me too. It isn’t one sided, or full of half truths and bitter lies. There aren’t secrets, not until today. I didn’t fall in love with him because he was broken. I didn’t fall for him because I wanted a challenge of some sort. I fell for all the small things. I fell for the fact that he gets me a glass of ice water before I go to bed each night because he knows that I can’t sleep without just knowing it’s there. I fell for the cop sunglasses and the fact that no matter how goofy they were, they looked good on him. I fell for the way he goes over and plays video games and plays in the yard with his little brothers that are less than half his age. I fell for the guy that knows I hate mustard and keeps a distance when he’s eating it because he loves it so much. Everything’s so small, like the way he touches my back when we’re walking in public like he has to show the world I’m his, or the way that he touches me constantly while I’m driving just for comfort I guess. I love how when he’s sleeping he pulls me close without even realizing it and kisses me on the forehead. I love the fact that every time ‘sugar, we’re goin’ down’ comes on he has to do Pete’s salute during the “friction in your jeans” lyrics. I like the way he teases me, and tickles me, and holds me down and tells me he won’t ever let go. I like how he tells me he loves me every 5 minutes, even though it does get annoying sometimes. I never had any of this with TJ. All I had were questions on top of questions. That’s all I have still. He messes with my head and makes me feel horribly incapable of helping him. He confuses the hell out of me and I don’t like it. I hate it. But no matter how much it hurts, or how much I hate it or wish it would just fade away, I can’t let go of the notion that we’d be great together, that I could, somehow in the future, fix him. That I could make him happy. That’s all I want really, for him to be as happy as I am when I look into David’s eyes. I mean I guess I always knew TJ would be there, deep and buried in my heart, but I thought I had gotten past it. I thought we could be friends, but maybe we can’t. Maybe he’s the boy that I’m destined to always love, but never end up with in the end. It wouldn’t ever work out, not realistically. Not that reality was anything I ever let limit me, though. He was my first love, my first real heartbreak, my first real loss. I never even kissed the boy, but that boy changed me, forever. I have to let go once and for all now. I am in love with David and it shouldn’t matter if TJ’s coming around or not now, it’s not something I should care about. So why, all of a sudden, when I look into David’s face do I want it to be TJ staring back at me? I’m scaring myself.

if love were easy, we'd wouldn't fight so hard for it,
Jenny

Do you ever hit a point where you feel like you've done all you can to try to fix a situation, and you just have to give up? Where is the point where you just say enough is enough? I've been paying for my mistakes for a long time now. I've apologized a thousand times. I've given in a thousand times. I've given up almost everything so I could keep my two best friends in the world and it got me nowhere. I was the only one trying to fix anything. They never wanted it fixed, and to be honest I knew that from day one. I woke up next to David that first time and I knew for sure that everything was over between me Jessi and Puddy. I knew there was no coming back from it... but I still had to try, because that's what best friendship means. It means that you don't just give up or give in or accept the fact that the years you've been together mean nothing. I tried my hardest to do any and everything in my power to get her back... to make her forgive me... to make up for all that i had done wrong. And I did. We were fine, until she decided she wanted to be cruel. Somewhere in there things changed dramatically... the person that I thought was my best friend took a sharp turn and turned into a person that I completely did not know. Someone that maybe I couldn't ever love. She was cruel and sadistic and only brought me up to put me a little farther down. She said and did things to me that I would never have considered... that I still wouldn't consider even after all she has done and said to me. She brutalized me mind, body, and soul. She made me question myself... question if I deserved her, if I deserved anyone. Friends don't do that. It doesn't matter how much I hurt her... friends don't make friends second guess their self worth. So ya, maybe i fucked up, and maybe I did a lot of things I never should of, but she stopped being my friend a long time before I ever gave up trying to be hers. I'm only realizing this now, but she was stringing me along just for sheer entertainment. She needed someone to blame things on, someone to point to and laugh at when the days got monotonous. She can blame me all she wants for the fact that she's off in california by herself hating her life... but i never wanted her to go. it was her choice. she got on that plane and she flew 2000 miles away from everything she knew knowing full well what she was leaving behind. and now i'm getting blamed for the fact that i'm still here and i can still hang out with everyone... when most of them are my family. she wouldn't even know them if it wasn't for me... she never would have gotten close to them or hung out with them at all... and i shouldn't be able to now just becuase she chose to leave and is pissed that i stayed? was i supposed to force her to stay? or go with her? neither one of those things is even possible. i can't change the fact that i fucked up... but i can change the fact that i have to deal with the consequences everyday. i don't need to wake up dreading the fact that i might have to make more excuses or prove myself more that day. I don't need to keep getting put down and stepped on. I'm human, i made a mistake and i'm paying for it... but i'm not okay with paying the price for the rest of my life... and my self confidence and happiness is too large a cost. Do i love her? ya i used to. i loved the jessi that would stand by me no matter what. i loved the jessi that was at my house everyday and referred to my room as "ours". I loved the jessi that wasn't afraid to tell me what she thought or hide anything from me. i don't love this jessi that's hellbent on destroying me. there has always been this quote that i disagreed with wholeheartedly that says that some friendships have to end... that maybe theres a reason for it. I get it now. Maybe our friendship has to end in order for us both to lead happy fulfilled lives. Maybe in order for me to be able to be in love I have to let her go... and maybe it's the same for her. Maybe to experience love separate from the kind she might have had with david she has to let me go. I'm only a reminder of what she "lost". we've been together for years and we grew up side by side learning the same lessons... but here's where the road forks. I'm learning how to love, and she's learning how to deal with losing love. We can't do it together anymore... we just can't. And so i'm cutting all ties. I'm not trying anymore, as bad as that sounds. I always said that I'd never consciously let a friendship go, but I never thought in a million years that it would damage me this much. I never thought I'd have to choose between myself and my friends... but here I am just the same. I'm choosing myself. I have to... there comes a point in everyone's life where they have to step back and take care of themselves. i'm broken and if i don't fix myself fast... i'm not sure i'll be able to be fixed at all.

friendships aren't unsinkable after all,
Jenny

I'm not sure I can even explain what i'm feeling right now. It's over. Jessi and I are officially not friends anymore. She's 2000 miles away and she hates me. She hates me for my lies, and my actions, and for the one thing that has actually made my life happy lately. She hates me for the love that I found in a place I should never have been looking in the first place. I never meant to steal David from her, even though she didn't really want him anyway. She liked him, she'd had a semi-relationship with him, not much of one, but still it mattered. I never meant to fall in love with him, but I did. And I can't turn it off or dig myself out of that hole. I thought she'd gotten over it a little bit, but I guess it's just too large of a betrayal. I just don't know what to do, I can't even cry. For the first time in a long time I'm back to my utterly invisible depression. I don't want to do anything. I get up, I go to class, I party, and I hang out with the few friends that I have left, but it's kind of emotionless. It hurts so bad that I just want to shut myself off. Best friends aren't supposed to be this breakable... I never thought in a thousand years that I'd lose her to such a degree. I just don't know what to do. I can't talk to her, I can't change anything. I fucked everything up and there's no going back on anything. There is honestly nothing I can do to fix this. It's so fucking frustrating too... because I need answers. I'm one of those people that believes in second chances... and even third, and fourth, and fifth if they are needed, but she's not. I don't know what to say other than she's being just as selfish as I was when I caused this. I would have done anything for her. I would have ripped my own heart out and told david that I didn't love him even though it was so blindingly obvious to me that I did. But she told me that it was okay. She lied to me. She told me she'd never completely write me off, and that she wouldn't hate me forever for this, but she is. She told me I could do what I wanted if I felt that he was that special to me. And he was. And I told her that, I was completely honest. I told her I had feelings I couldn't explain, or even shut off anymore, and she said it was fine. If I had known back then that it wasn't, that it wouldn't ever be I could have walked away. It would have broken me, and probably David too, but I could have done it. It's not something I can do anymore. I don't know at what point that fact changed, but I'm too far in now. He's my...everything. Jessi doesn't want to be there for me, so he has been, and so he's my best friend now. I have friends... but I don't have a best friend anymore. There's no one I can be completely and brutally honest with anymore. TJ's gone. Puddy's too wrapped up in Jessi's world, so there's just certain things I can't say. Erica's just not always there. Kahla's changed. Allor doesn't always listen or understand. He's my only option, and that's fine with me, but I just can't give that up. Because it's very obvious at this point that I can never be just friends with him. I could have if I didn't know him as deeply as I do now, but I can't now that I see the kind of person he really is rather than the person he wants some people to think he is. I want to be able to say that I'd still do anything for Jessi, that even after she's given up on me and ever trusting or loving me again, I could look past it and still keep up my end of the friendship. But I just can't do it. I never in a thousand years would have said the things she's saying to me to her... I never would have purposely hurt her, and she knows it. I can't keep trying to fix something she so obviously doesn't care about anymore. I can't keep rolling over and taking this kind of stuff all the time. I get hurt too much. I didn't care about it when she still cared a little bit for me, I would have taken it forever, but now that she's decided she's done... well maybe I'm done too. Maybe I don't always have to wait around for people to forgive me, or come back around. Maybe I need to look out for my own heart now and again. Maybe I need to think of myself rather than those around me, because it seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try to be perfect and never step on anyone's toes, it happens anyway. I hurt people anyway. It's my curse and I know it. I'm fucked up, my life is fucked up and there's nothing I'm ever going to be able to do to fix that... I just have to learn to live with the shittiness... I need to learn how to make it great. I need to be able to love, without feeling guilty. I need to be able to laugh, without wondering if I have a right to. I need to be able to just relax for 10 minutes even without thinking of how I can make things up to people. I need to be able to live. It's about time I started... oh shit, this is gonna be something. I'm not sure I know how to do this.

forever fucking over and fucking up,
Jenny