Back to the Beginning

So here I am again, or maybe more precisely, here I am back where I always end up. It’s that place that you never quite want to be, but end up there anyway. Every time you get there you recognize it. It has the same signs, the same surroundings, but surprisingly a much different road leading there. It’s always a different path, always different choices and different circumstances, but you always end up in the same place. In the same circle, with the same problems, and the same escapes. Being such a creative person you’d think that I’d be able to write myself out of these kind of holes. You’d think that I’d be able to make different choices, leading to different circumstances, and different roads, and eventually different destinations. But my roads lead in one direction. My roads lead to what I’ve only just realized is what I define as home. Home was always an odd concept to me, anyway. It was never a place, or rather any physical place. It was always a state of mind. It was a group of places, or people, or feelings that coalesced to a single idea that I just knew somehow was home. It was the place I yearned for when I wasn’t there, but hated when I was trapped inside. I missed it, but at the same time I never wanted to miss it, or maybe I realized that in effect I shouldn’t miss it. But I do, even sitting here knee deep in it’s aftermath. I miss it. And in reality all it is, is this place where things cannot possibly ever get worse, and the only thing that can happen is that things start to look up. It’s the tail-end of depression, the last step to recovery, the first step to mental freedom. And every time I’m there I don’t want to take it. I don’t want to walk away from this place, because I know for a fact that no matter what I do, or where I go, or who I meet, or who I fall in love with, or what friends come screaming and running full force back into my life, that I’m going to end up back here. But it’s home, and I’ll always have a special place for it in my heart, and in my soul, but mainly in my mind. I want it back already and I’m still in it. Where I was going with this I have no idea, because all I turned this computer on for was to play pinball, but now sitting here I have about a million things to say. Life has been low lately. I’ve been crying a lot, mainly when I’m alone, but a lot of times when I’m not too. Things between me and David have been strained. He’s pushing away, and I’m clinging on. Not to say I’m clingy, I just hate the fact that no matter what I seem to do I can’t keep that love, or affection between us. I never thought in a million years that he’d get tired of kissing me, and it’s hard for me even to type that because I don’t want it to be true, but then again it’s the truth, and there’s no secrets here. It’s hard to keep up three fourths of the relationship I guess, and I think I’m driving him crazy with it, but I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want to be one of those couples that can’t stand to be around each other, or that get into this routine that they can’t break out of. But here we are, living the routine. He goes to work, I go to school, and about every other day I come over to his house to help him clean, sit back, in another room while he bonds with the boys until he’s ready to go to bed. We don’t go out anymore. We don’t have time alone anymore. It feels like I’m losing him slowly. Not that I need his attention and time every second of every day, I just need my time too. And sure we’re together a lot, hell we’re together more than a lot, but it’s never just us, and even if it is just us sitting in his bedroom, it’s not just us because kenny and adam are a couple rooms over and he’ll leave in a second if they call. I don’t know, I guess I feel like I’ve been kinda shifted to the backburner or something. I’m not the number one priority for him anymore, and it’s hard for me process because he’ll always be number one for me. I will blow off my friends, my family, even my schoolwork for him if he calls, but I feel bad and awkward if I ask him to come in 2 minutes early from being with the guys. Like I’m depriving him of his time alone. I shouldn’t have to feel like that. I don’t want to feel like that, but every time I bring it up he needs his alone time, or he can’t be with me 24-7. That’s never what I’m asking for, I just wish he knew that. I wish he knew how much I love him, and how much it hurts me when he pushes me away, or tells me that he doesn’t wanna touch me, or kiss me, or fuck me. It rips me apart when I have to hear that. Am I becoming his routine? Is he sick of the monotony? Does he want to move on but isn’t admitting it? It’s stupid and ridiculous to wonder any of this, to even type it out, but it’s what I think about all the time. He says I’m beautiful and hot and everything he’s ever wanted, but he changes so much, am I still all that? After finding everything out that he has about me does he still think that I’m that perfect girl he was always searching for? Does he think less of me now that he knows without barriers or lies or false personas who I really am? Sometimes I wonder if I haven’t disappointed him. I’m not his perfect little church girl that follows all the rules and does right in the world. Sometimes I have to question if god really even exists. Maybe I only say that because I wanna keep my mind open, I guess what I really wonder is if he really doesn’t exist. I’m a freethinker. I think out of the box. I don’t just go on what I see or hear or taste or smell. I know there is an entire world out there that I will never know about or see, and I know for a fact it’s there. But still I wonder if god exists. With a god out there would the world truly be like it is today? The world has gone to hell, and I honestly don’t think that any god as all-knowing and all-seeing as the one that so many people believe in can actually exist. No god would let some things that happen in this world happen. But then again there’s the other side of the spectrum. Maybe all these things are happening today because not enough people believe in god. Not enough people devote themselves to him, so he doesn’t have as much power as he used to. Either way, he’s not this great all highly being that everyone thinks he is. He’s just like us. He fucks up, he fails. So why worship? This doesn’t really ever bother me, except for when David makes me feel so inadequate for not believing, like I’m missing out or something. I’m not missing out, I’m just sick of being misinformed I guess. Misguided is probably a better word. In the end I guess I have a 50/50 chance. Heaven exists or it doesn’t. I get in or I don’t. There’s no reason to waste my life wondering, or chasing a cause that might not be there. I just wish that david could respect that side of me. The non-religious one. But none of it matters. None of this is leading anywhere or to anything good I guess. I’m just upsetting myself more because I’m realizing what is so wrong in my life and that I have no concrete way of fixing it or bettering anything. Maybe I just need to roll with it. I need to lighten up, and take things as they come. The days are warming up, the skies are getting bluer and brighter and I’m still in my shades of grey, it’s time to change with the seasons. Springtime is my season, my time, my freedom. Open my wings, fly away and take those that believe with me. It’s gonna be a wild ride, or at least an eventful one.

Fuck It

Do you think there's fate? do you think that everything in this fucked up world has it's place and it's reason and it's need to exist? because I think it's utter and complete bullshit. I wasted an entire hour of my life getting on here and typing out every last thing I could remember about my father because I felt like I was losing him, and I get a phone call, and I try to download something on limewire, and I come back to this screen and it's just gone. Tell me this happened for a reason. Tell me that there is a god out there and he saw me truly trying to help myself and get better and he let some freak internet quirk erase it all away. This world is fucked. and I'm fucked up. I need this all down in typing, and I need it to be preserved, so i'm starting over, and I will duplicate every last thing that I remember writing.

I'm standing on the edge of I have no idea where I am, and I'm not sure I want to know. It's this sickening place where I jsut want to jump, but I'm not even sure what I"m jumping too, or maybe away from. It's just the adrenaline, the feeling that nothign can touch followed by a split second of pure pain before it bleeds out of your consciousness and you are left completely and utterly numb. I want to be numb again. And I'm not even sure why. My friends are back and behind me 100%. me and my boyfriend are fantastic, he has his problems, i have mine, but we are not each others problems. we're finally okay. but there are days when i still feel empty deep inside. Days where I know a piece of me is still missing and is never ever coming back.

I should be used to that spot, I should be comfortable knowing that nothing and no amount of healing will fill it. I can visit his grave, and talk about him, and look at pictures of him, but nothing will help. nothing will heal. nothing will change. he is gone. and he's not coming home to me.

the worst part of this entire ordeal is that I can't remember what he smelled like, or what color his eyes were. I don't remember his favorite color, or television show, or even song. I can't remember if his hands were soft or rough or in between. it's slipping through my fingers, and he's slipping through my consciousness. I fear that everyday he is gone I lose a new memory... even if i am trying so desperately to hold on.

I don't want my children to ask me about him 10 years down the road and not have answers to the simplest questions. I can't stand looking in the mirror knowing that I'm leaving him behind, that I have forgotten him. After all, I'm the writer of this family. I am the only one that I know of that takes the time to let everythign that happens to me bleed through my fingertips and onto paper. I should have written it down. But I failed him, and myself when I didn't. I am failing my father by not preserving his memory.

so here's the list... again... in no particular order. Every painstaking detail that is left, because it needs to be remembered, to be written down. he was the greatest man I ever knew and people need to know him. if only through this journal and my head, and my take on who he was.

he made a killer apple pie.

he liked poinsettas on christmas.

he thought he was some kind of photographer, even tho he was horrible at it.

he loved animals.

he grew a pot plant in the hallway bathroom never thinking that us kids would know what it was.

he couldn't type worth a damn.

he wore an army jacket or a flannel jacket 99% of the time that the weather called for it.

his shoes were always untied.

he was only ever at home outdoors.

he was gentle.

he was loving.

he was the richest man, if only in love.

money did not make a difference in his life.

roses were his favorite flower to take care of.

he took us to the park and brought wax paper so we could make the slide extra slick.

he hunted for arrowheads and morrell mushrooms.

he was obsessed with indian life, not only because of his heritage, but because he liked their way of life.

he took a thousand pictures but hardly ever developed the film.

his eyes were brown.

his hair was thick and brown too.

he loved nash bridges adn cheech and chong.

he bought a real live christmas tree every year for christmas before he moved out of my mom's house.

he loved beef jerky.

we made sugar cookies together every year.

he hated cleaning.

he drove a red pick up truck.

he took us to chuckee cheese.

he loved country music

his smile was crooked.

he loved twinkies, and anything else hostess.

he made even the simplest outings fun.

his favorite place to go out and eat was ryan's buffet.

he loved his and everyone else's children.

he built dollhouses.

he wanted to build a canoe.

he was a great fisherman, and taught me everything he knew.

he didn't want me to miss him.

he believed in me.

he never judged.

he had hairy toes, i guess everyone has their flaws.

he used old spice aftershave sometimes.

he bit his nails.

he called me jen jen.

i'll add to the list later, i feel better, but like i said nothign will ever fill this hole. nothing will ever make any of this okay. i don't even know where to go from here, other than bed.

remember forever what you will someday forget,
jenny

Pain Is Learning

we're drowning in the trenches
we're choking on our indecision
is this pain we're feeling worth it
am i learning from anything at all?

sometimes i wonder if it were only easier
if i could let the currents drag me under
and take me out to the sparkling silver rivers
that lie just past the world i am not.

if pain were the only reminder in a world of chaos to do right by one's self and others, would we even pay attention? is pain anything? can it be nothing?

I sat at my computer earlier today having a virtual conversation with a virtual friend. I call him that simply because that is what he is to me now. He's a bunch of words appearing on a computer screen because he refuses to come to life for me, in every sense of the word. Come to think of it he always did refuse. I'm not sure when he died inside, but the funeral has long since been conducted and I am the sole survivor mourning the loss. There is so much pain inside of him that it radiates from his every touch, look, even typed word. He is, in every essence, pain. It's all he knows. It's all he'll let himself become now. It didn't used to bother me, it didn't used to literally hurt me, but today, for the first time, it did. This got me thinking because the way i have been taught pain is a lesson, something that needs to be learned.

Think about it, we've been taught this way since the very day we were born. When we did something wrong we were slapped on the bottom or wrist. The pain taught us not to act up. Growing out of my toddler days I had quite a large problem with sucking my thumb. One day i was playing and fell and scraped up my entire thumb leaving it bloody and scabbed. Later that same day I stuck my thumb in my mouth because it was my routine and screamed in pain. I never sucked my thumb again. The pain taught me that I shouldn't. Later my mother had a problem with my brother and I jumping on the bed. It didn't matter how many times I was scolded, I didn't listen. Not until I was jumping on the bed and fell off and cut my face up on the window ledge did I learn not to do it. I could go on and on with these examples, the point is that pain is the greatest teacher in a human's life. We don't like to hurt, or should I say, we shouldn't. It teaches us to be careful, to be smart, to do the right thing.

It's not only physical either. The mental pains are probably the worst. The problem is that they can be deceiving as well. Emotional pain cuts to the very heart of everything we are, to be human is to have emotions, and to have those emotions pained is cataclysmic. It alters us, changes us deep inside.

Its a Good Day to Look Back

Life is an endless string of events, and I guess I always knew that. I knew there would be good days and bad days, happy and sad days, and even just days like this one, days where you can just sit back, talk to old friends, and blast country music so loud while your flying down the express way at 75 miles an hour that you think nothing can touch you. I knew there was randomocity to days, i knew that everyone was different, but when I look back at this journal I don't see that. All I see is pain, and hate, and half-truths because I was so goddamn angry about what was happening to me. It's taken quite a few wakeup calls to realize this, to realize that maybe i was never representing myself with this blog, I was merely creating a world where I was the victim and it was okay for me to say anything i wanted to get back at the people that hurt me, and coincidentally those that love me the most.

I thought that the internet was safe. I knew I was broadcasting my pathetic sense of existance to the world, to countless strangers that I don't know, or even if I did know, wouldn't know me. I never stopped for one second to think that those I loved the most would ever come across my harsh words. I was wrong. Search engines are amazingly accurate, and telling these days. So my best friend, the person that I've probably hurt worst in this world, found my online journal, because it's such a jenny-thing-to-do. It's not even that I care that she read these inner thoughts of mine. I trust her more than anyone in the world, even if we don't talk much, and see each other even less. She was my best friend for years, and that trust will never go away. I just hate that I hurt her with my words. I hate that this place that I thought was so safe, and so harmless, was able to hurt her because of the way I used it. And so I'm attempting to remedy that.

I'm not just going to use this on the bad days anymore, I'm branching out. Today it becomes my outlet for hope, for happiness, and for contempletation. These are my thoughts, these are really me. Ignore what has come before this very entry because starting at 10:16 on March 9, 2006, I'm letting anyone that dares to look see what I'm really about, and who I really am.

I'm in an amazing relationship that is not quite a fairytale, but he makes me happy. We have our fights, hell we're coming out of one right now, but we always make up. I make sure before I lay my head down to sleep at night that we're okay, that I've said "I love you" and that I know, without a doubt, that we will live to see another day. Relationships are hard, but isnt that the point? We have to fight for the things that we really want, we have to battle to be worthy of the rewards. And ya, sometimes it hurts, but the way I see it now, the rest of the time it doesn't. and if I have to live through a couple more arguments or misunderstandings, then it's worth it, if only for one night laying in his safe arms.

Friendships are the same way I think. You have to fight for them, or they don't really mean much at all. I've fought with my best friend, it's true. But ever since the last time we exchanged harsh words I've been fighting FOR her. I want her back, and I'll stop at nothing to get her back. It's not worth the petty highschool drama anymore. We're adults, and we're dealing with love and life and everything else on our own, it's about time we put the team back together and battled it together, cuz I'm losing. Our friendship made me sane, and I fear for myself if these things dont get settled soon. She's traveling the country in less than a month to see us all, and I can't wait another minute. Everything will be okay. It has to be.

I never realized that the path I let myself lead the last few months is what was making me crazy. I thought for the longest time that it was because of my unresolved issues with my dad that I couldn't be fully happy, that I was irritated and felt completely off center. The truth was that I was off center, because I had let myself stray there. I went to college and left all my friends a half an hour behind, and thought it was too far. It's not, and I need them now more than ever. They bring me back to reality and make me see that not only am I being a dumbass, but that life is awesome with them in it. I wish I could see them everyday, and I can't. But I will see them more than once every couple months now too.

I'm not sure what else to say. I'm coming back from the dark place, and I have all the people that I love to thank for that. They've woken me up, and given me reason to open my eyes. I've been depressed, and I need my medication. It doesn't come in pills, or bottles, either. It comes in human form, and they're ready to be filled. Thank god for all these great friends that haven't given up on me in my absence.

i've woken up, and I'm not walking away,
Jenny

Nothing left to Argue, Nothing Left to Say

here's to afterhighschool romances being exactly like the ones that we experienced when we were there. Here's to my stupidass believing that love could really save me, and really bring me back to earth. And finally, here's to heartbreak, but never breaking up. It's a toast to being lonely, but somehow still not being alone. And it's a toast to crying and drowning yourself in the tub. I don't know where I'm going, or if my words are taking me there, but all I can say for fucking sure is that I wish to god he'd be walking up those stairs. I'm tired and I'm uneasy, and I feel like I've already lost the race, when the honest truth is that I probably never ever kept up with a single pace. I'm a gimmick, I'm a joke, I'm everything he thought he wanted, but nothing that he chose. I'm his dream girl to a tee, but how the hell does he know what he wants anyway. I'm fucked up, I'm hurting and where is he? I don't have a damn clue. He's as lost to me as I am right now. And the sad part of everything? He's the only one that I have to call. I have not a fucking soul in the world to go to right now other than the person that I all of the sudden feel the need to run away from. That's not even the truth, he was the one that ran away from me.

so run run run away, everything will eventually be okay... but just remember that those you leave behind, they change, they rearrange, and sometimes lose their mind.

i give up i'm not making sense or helping myself in the least with this stupid shit,

klzxdfj

boyfriends and boy (space) friends

does life always run in circles... or maybe just spiral? I mean in the last year I have completely changed as a person. I've found love. I've lost friends. I've found out what was truly important to me. I've lived almost on my own. But in the same aspects I've lost myself too. I lost the person I used to be able to be with my friends. I've lost the need to party all the time. I've lost the freedom to flirt, and kiss, and spend every night exactly the way I want to. None of this is bad, I've just learned a new way of life. I've given up things in order to get things, and I'm finally happy... or at least on my way to finding out what that word really means. But now I find myself in the same position I was a year ago, two years ago, hell even three. TJ's in my life again, by my sheer amount of will. I missed him, so I started calling and now I think I'm on my way to having him back. as a friend. as only a friend. and for once that's all i want, that's all I need. I need for him to be just a friend, so that I can once and for all prove to myself that david is the one, that david's the only one I want to be with for the rest of my life. But on the phone today TJ finally admitted to me why he's repeatedly made plans with me, but broken them. He finally realized that he really fucked up in letting me go. He openly said, this is hard for me to say and it's really awkward, but i wish i had done things different with you a long time ago. In not so many specific words I got out of it that he's in love with me, or maybe has realized that at some point he was. which really fuckin sucks because i wasted three years of my life being literally obsessively in love with him, and he never could figure these things out then. So you might wonder what the problem is. I've said time and time again that I'm in love with david, that I'd never screw things up, that he's the one I want to marry... and he is. I have no doubt about that fact. He is and will always be the man that I want to spend my entire life with, every bad and good day of it. But I want my best friend back. Before TJ became a love interest he was my best friend. Even after he was still my best friend because that's how strong it was. Things never would have worked out and he had me guessing too much anyways. I wouldn't wanna jeopardize that friendship now that I look back on it. But now i'm finding out that I'm jeopardizing it anyway. TJ won't hang out with me because he doesn't wanna mess up what me and david have, and he convinced of the fact that he will. He's convinced that something would happen that would hurt me, and he says it's because he wants to protect me because he loves me. I need my best friend though, more than anything right now. I just wish he'd see that. I wish he'd believe me when i said that i'd never let him come between me and david and that david honestly does not care. i wish he'd listen to me like he used to.

best friends and boyfriends never were an easy thing to decide, if only he would listen to me instead of choosing to run and hide.

love, life, friends, and circular amusements never were my thing,
Jen

I'm just in one of those moods where I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't get my thoughts down in writing, but I have no idea what I want to say. I have all these thoughts just flying in circles in my brain but I can't figure any of them out. I'm going insane. I'm trying to handle too much, but dealing with too little. I wanna be the carefree student, partying it up and livin it down... but here I am partying it down and livin it up. I'm insanely in love, and i should be happy because of that but things are so damn confusing sometimes. David isn't always the boy that I thought he was. He scares me sometimes. He's losing himself in his problems, and I'm trying as hard as I can but with everything I have going I don't know how to help him. He's consumed me, and I'm not sure how I can dig myself out without hurting him. I dont' ever want to lose him. He's the only boy that I can picture myself with 10, 20, 30, 40, even 50 years down the road. I wanna be with him forever, but I don't want him to be the only thing I am. I want to have time for my friends, time for myself, time to just write like I am right now, but with him off work I can't seem to do that. I never thought I'd get sick of him being here everyday, but here I am. and I don't know how to deal with it because it's not just that he comes here, it's that I go to him. He calls and says he's having a bad day and the first thing I want to do is go to him and make him feel better no matter how much money and gas I'm wasting that I don't have in the process. I want to get to him and fix everything. I want to lay next to him and hold him and get up at an ungodly hour just so I can get back to campus in time for my class. I want to ignore all my friends and all the plans that I might have made so that I can just see him, even if it's only for 10 minutes. i don't want to go out there, i don't want to waste money i don't have, i don't want to leave stacie here after she like passed out and has been in the emergency room all day. I don't want to run to him every single time he mentions that he wants to see me, but at the same time it's all i want. I know that how ever many years down the road i won't have most of these friends, and he'll still be there. He'll always be there. But I shouldn't go out there. I shouldn't, but I will. I will, but I shouldn't. It's killing me to think all these things out, to think these thoughts and not tell him, and I will end up telling him. Things have to start to change and they have to start to change now. I don't want to drive out to luna pier only to be sitting at adam's house watching them all get high. I'm not gonna sit there and watch david smoke away his troubles. I'm not going to drive all the way out there just to have sex until we eventually pass out and go to sleep. everyday shouldn't have to be like that. I realize that neither of us has money, but just once I want him o surprise me with an awesomely random and inexpensive treat. I'm sitting here dreaming of the surprises i can bring him tonight... already knowing that I will be there. God... love is so amazingly contradictory.

call, leave a message
the dial tone isn't working
but your voice carries
i'll hear every single word
leave the voicemail unlistened
save it for later review
i'm a thousand miles away, but only ten
and amazingly i can still smell you
you drift to me miraculously
because you're scent is still on my pillow
wash it, rinse it, dry it, repeat
you're still there
mocking my attempts to wash you away
funny how i can't make you disappear
when the last thing you wanted was to stay.

i love that i can still do this, but am i losing steam... have i lost some of my ability because i've fallen in love. is it enough to matter, enough to want back? will i ever know?