Sometimes I feel as if the things that I try to do to help people are misinterpreted by others around me. Is it wrong of me to not give a damn how my conversations with an individual person are perceived by outsiders who don't really know what went down or what was said? Or should I care? I've lived my entire life caring entirely too much how the world saw every little thing that I did and every little decision that I made. And I've woken up from that way of life and I've come out of my shell in ways that I did not think were possible. I've become this person that I like. Don't get me wrong, I still think things through. I still play situations within my head before I ever enter in to them. The difference is that instead of just sitting there thinking about a situation, I do actually go through with it, consequences be damned. I am doing my best to be assertive. I dive head first into the lives of my loved ones when I think that it's right, or when I think that I can help them. Should I be judged because of this? Should I have to feel as if I'm doing something wrong every time I try to use what little insight I have from my education to help them? I honestly don't think it is, no matter what past I may have with the person.
I bring this all to your attention as well as my own because today I did what I felt was right to help two of my best friends. I took 45 minutes of my time and tried to help a boy that I used to love, continue to love someone else. I can see why this could be viewed as inappropriate, but who are you or anyone else to judge my intentions? All I wanted was to help him see what he was unconsciously doing. I wanted to open his eyes to the things that he wasn't aware he was putting his girlfriend (another one of my best friends) through. I went out there with no pretenses, no secrets, and no barriers, because I know that he respects that. I was direct and truthful. And I might have even hurt him, but I think I had to simply to help him help himself love completely. He needs my help, or he never would have allowed me to stay in that car. He wants to listen to me; he wants my help because he knows that I'm someone he can trust, someone that is honest, and someone that will lead him down a path that might be a little easier. Hell I might even be able to understand things about him that he so far cannot. And so I took a leap and I helped my friend. And I return to my apartment, to a boyfriend that is looking at me like I've betrayed him, like I've done something wrong. He alludes to the fact that I shouldn't shove my nose where it doesn't belong unless I'm invited. What my boyfriend does not and will never understand is the fact that I have a special friendship with this person. I know where the boundaries are. I know him better than myself, and better than he knows himself. I see through all his bullshit. And I help him, in ways that my boyfriend will never see, nor does he need to see. It's a quiet but immensely deep friendship that we have.
It's one of those friendships that can survive any battle. It can survive almost love, and utter heartbreak. It can survive almost death, and deaths of others. And someday it may be the death of us simply because it is so deep and so meaningful, but we're willing to deal with whatever consequences, because it's something neither of us can or ever will give up. I've tried to walk away. There were days where it hurt to just think about him. But then I'd see him and it'd be like I was going back in time. Everything melts away, and friendship survives all heartaches. I love this boy, but I am no longer in love with him. I'm simply addicted to his friendship. He makes the world stop spinning so quickly and he wipes away all the stupid illusions until I see what's always been sitting in front of me. As much as he needs me right now, I've needed him more in the past and he has always, always been there. No matter what. Our intentions are entirely straightforward.
But even my best intentions may not be enough for him. For either of them. But I will continue on doing what I think is right because it doesn't matter what some outsider thinks. I need to do what makes me sleep sound at night, what keeps that knot out of my throat and keeps my heart from beating straight out of my chest in fear. And if my true love cannot understand this, maybe it isn't what I think it to be.
My best intentions will always be misinterpreted,
My lifelong battles will someday be misread,
And I will probably lose them both in pursuit,
Of quiet within my crowded head.
But I will keep on breathing,
I will keep on trudging on,
Because this all matters,
Until love is completely gone.
J-L
11:58 pm
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