make me a believer, for i want to believe in nothing but you

I've never been a real believer in fate, even though the thought of it intrigued me.  I never put much stock in horoscopes, or psychics, or even intricate life plans.  But I feel as if I am being forced to recognize the powers of the universe, that some things are just meant to happen, some people were just supposed to meet.  A thousand things could have impeded our meeting.  Any small decision could have changed any of our four courses that day, and we would not have met at all.  I say this, wondering if we had made different choices if the world would have allowed us other chances to meet.  If we would have met somewhere less magical, or if we would have gone on with our lives oblivious to the fact that the other existed.

Who travels an hour and a half to an amusement park, sparks up a random conversation with two strangers that have driven two and a half hours to get there, and ends up spending the entire rest of the day with them?  Who finds a guy that they are head over heels for in line for a roller coaster that she almost decided to ride later?  I guess I do.  So I have to believe in fate.  And that fact that this guy that makes me feel things inside of my heart and inside of my soul that no other guy has ever made me feel before, is amazing to me.  Life is amazing.  And my heart is all jumbled and my brain is no better off... but I feel like I have so much to say here, and yet so little will come out of this incoherent jumble.

I'm falling harder than I may be comfortable with, but I feel like this might be the point,
J-L

Her mind goes back to the same place every time she sits down to think. She is somehow transported to this place...this place that to her knowledge does not exist in the world not the real world anyway. The place overtakes her. So competely that she can smell the air. She can feel the breeze and run her fingers through the grass. She can breathe the place in...and it is refreshing. Refreshing like only this place could ever be or ever has been. It travels to her soul and through her veins to her heart. She breathes him back in...here. Because this is the only place he can exist now...for her.

In no other place do they exist together except for here. They never have. And her heart knows it but yet she tries to believe it anyway...that she can steal him away from this special place.

And so here I am buried in a pit if loneliness...I never thought that I would be that girl. The one that watches the girly movies and cries her eyes out before its even over. I'm not the girl that needs a boy. But I am the girl that needs him.even as I say this I wonder who I refer to by saying that. I wonder who it is that my heart aches to have back. He will always be the one that I cannot have I fear. The best friend...the could have been. The I will always love you but I'm not in love with you kind of thing. The dagger of all daggers. The love that never would have lived up to the idea about it in my head. He never was that guy or wanted to be or ever can be that guy again. So I'm stuck waiting and missing an illusion. an illusion that I fear to let go of because if I'm not waiting for him...what am I doing? And what if he chooses that moment to return? If I give up on the improbable do I then stop believing in the impossible? And I'd I do that have I lost myself in the process? Have I lost that amazing ability to believe in anything and to stop at nothing?

The loneliness permeates my world as if attacking full force. It is impossible to ignore. And so I look for comfort wherever I can find it...hoping someday it will simply appear in the bed I choose to share each night with whatever boy deemed me worthy for the evening. If any.and I hate myself more everytime I end up here or there.because I'd rather find comfort in being alone than revulsion at the thought of never being able to do so

Ramblings of a Wannabe Writer Commence

just some ramblings from trying to get back into the swing of writing again:

The creek where they grew up beckons tirelessly because he no longer answers the call. She's been waiting there hoping for something better than her life has to offer now, someone better. Someone that's like him, but not him. She needs a gentle soul that doesn't know who she is or what she's been through. Someone that doesn't see how tainted she is, how different she was back then. Someone that looks like him and smells like him and treats her the way he used to. Because he's not that guy anymore.

This place calms her like no other. The smell that permeates this meadow is indescribable. It brings her back to a better time, to a simpler time. The illusion is intoxicating. The idea that she can stay in this place forever crosses her mind as she sits. She could simply let the creek overtake her, let the water run through her veins until her heart no longer beats for him. It would be easy to allow this place to have her. Because if he does not want her, this may be the only other place that does.

and here it is september again
it's like no time has passed at all
the wounds are just as fresh today
and the tears they want to fall.

it's been eleven years this time
its crazy so much time has passed
it seems like just yesterday
we knew the day was our last.

the world is so different
life is almost too hard without you
i need you to confort me, to laugh with me
but those days are definitely through.

I can still see your smile in my mind
I can almost hear your voice, smell your cologne,
almost is too much for me sometimes
I feel so devastatingly alone.

Call me from heaven
God must at least have a phone
I want to see you, to hear you, ask you
I have too many questions ________?

It was a moment that froze time, but in a way that is hard to explain. It was a moment that froze a million previous moments in one specific place and melded them together to a point where they were all the same. And then it shattered, broken by the remnants of a scream he never intended me to hear, and a confession that I had known was coming.

You see him and me, we were broken when we met. We were both torn apart by people that "loved" us. It was a bond that isn't easy to explain, both because it was so long ago, and also because I think that explaining it in words makes it look like something far worse than it was. We were those friends that healed each other. We picked each other back up and we healed, and we moved on. It's difficult to tell the tale. We had more in common than any other person I had ever met. We were in tune on a cosmic level that most don't believe in. We were meant for each other... for these few moments in time. Inside his room, and on that couch, a whole world exists... existed... that no one knew about, and that no one could understand. When I was there I was safe. I can't say that he felt the same, although I hope that he did. That place was our world. If we stayed there, together, forever, then nothing could ever hurt us again.

I loved him. I loved that him that hold me and made me feel like nothing could ever hurt me. But outside of that little world things were different, and eventually the better we felt, we ventured out of that room. We went back out into the world, and it was amazing. It was amazing to feel again.

But the reality of it was that the more we wanted the world, the less we ventured into our own. Or the longer we let ourselves get swallowed by this false sense of security, the lonelier the real world felt. This relationship did not exist outside of the boundaries of that world. I wish I could tell you why. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew why those feelings that blossomed in that room in the dark, went dormant in the light. But I do not know.

My beliefs about love have changed as a result of this relationship. Before this I thought that love was neverending. I thought that if you loved someone you never stopped loving them. And that is probably still true. The meaning is different though. Our love exists within that room, and within the memories of that room, and will exist there forever. That broken girl and that broken boy that somehow unbroke each other will always exist there. And I will cherish what happened in those months that all we really had was each other. But I live in the real world, one that isn't safe or sheltered. I live in a world where I get hurt now.

And when I felt like I couldn't deal with that hurt anymore I returned to that place thinking that it would still be the same even though everything else was now different. I came back seeking that comfort that had existed for so long. But in my absence, it had changed, he had changed, we had changed. So I picked myself back up, and I healed myself this time, because I could.

What I didn't realize is that maybe he didn't think of us the same way. Maybe I took for granted the fact that we were so alike, that he had to feel the same way I did. I could go from loving him, to loving being around him without much chaos in my world. I could be his friend. But he never wanted to be mine.

I just wish that he could see what we really had. That we had a perfect life, in the confines of his room, but that that life did not translate to the real world. We had everything we needed in that room, but out in the real world we need more. And that in that room the world flies by without us. People grow up without us, and have real lives. People go to real jobs, and get married and have children. We are not that for each other. We are not the happily ever after. We are the once upon a time.

But unfortunately now we are the end. And I guess that makes sense on some cosmic level that no one else can understand. We were more for each other in those few months than most people are for each other in ten years. We were a rather concentrated relationship, and probably one of the best relationships I've ever had. He wanted to be more for me, but I wish he could just see that the reason I loved him was because he wasn't trying. I fell in love with a boy that was broken hoping to fix him. I loved him for his sadness, and for his failing confindence, and also for his broken heart. But then one day he healed. And even though he was still a great man, an amazing man, he was not the boy that I fell in love with. And so, I fell out of love.

We were meant for each other, for those few months, to learn that love did still exist. Maybe he'll hate me for finding out that I feel this way, that I loved him but left him. And maybe he'll still think that he wasn't enough, or maybe that he was too much. I think he was just enough. And ya maybe it's not the kind of love that lasts forever, but its still important, it's still an important kind of love. This is the kind of love that heals all wounds, and no other love will ever measure up in that regard.

That scream could have shook mountains, and maybe it did. Maybe that's what it took for me to see that we were not as similar as I had thought. Maybe that's what he needed to do to rip me out of the real world and back to that world that we had created together. I escaped it, but I'm not sure that he ever wanted to.

You'd think that after twenty four years I'd have learned how dishonest this world is. It's all fake. All a giant ruse to convince us that life is perfect, life is beautiful, life is... easy. People don't say what they mean any more than they do what they say. Life is not perfect. Life is not beautiful. And life is definitely not easy. Still I have this illogical desire to believe all of the lies that surround me. I want to believe that life can be perfect, that life can be beautiful and that life can be easy. If I believe it, maybe I can make it come true.

But with these kind of ideas life is an utter disappointment. Nothing is ever enough. That movie that you saw last night wasn't funny enough, or scary enough, or maybe didn't have enough action.

making bad decisions in the form of overthinking

And the rollercoaster begins anew, as life repeats because we're through. We are disastrous together, completely wrong for each other. If we were to continue this little dance that we have been doing for months, i fear that the world would literally implode. Do I love you? absolutely. Do i miss you? More than anything in the world, or anyone before you. Is it enough? never was. I'm terrified. I've picked up my entire life, and i've made changes that I have never had the guts to before. I made decisions for ME, not for him, or for anyone else, but for me. Unfortunately, this time the situation is not poetic. i have nothing amazing to say, nothing intriguing or alluring. I am simply me... the girl that hasn't worn makeup for a week, or even done anything to my hair. The girl that is deadset on the fact that this time life will be different, decisions will be different, and yet i'm doing the same exact things. I'm falling into my own traps again, and again i don't care. I want a guy that thinks I'm beautiful without the thrills this time. I want a guy that loves me for me, that loves my family, and wants to know my friends. i want a guy that wants to be in my life, and would go to the ends of the earth to have me in his. is that so much to ask? and yet somehow I don't want anyone but him. Another him. We're not going to name names here, because I'd embarrass myself with how many I'd have to label. He is the one i cannot let go of. The one who always captures my attention from across the room. The one who's family considers me theirs even though I can barely recall any of their names. Good people. That's the only way to describe them. and he's the boy that never wants to grow up. I fell in love with the man that I know he can and will be someday, but unfortunately he's still the boy that refuses to be him. or to love me. I must be careful with that one, because he has my heart wrapped around his finger and he doesn't even know how much he affects me. I wish just one day he could see himself through my eyes... that anyone could.

So I wonder now how I move on with my life as a single woman. Do I jump full force into the world and allow what will happen to happen? Or do i stand back and watch from afar? Do I watch my life unfold or do I live it? I want to live it, but I'm afraid where that would lead me.

Making bad decisions in the form of overthinking,

J-L